After a few months the 'all day' sickness faded away but as my stomach started to grow so did the ache in my back, which is just as unpleasant as the sickness. Mango had been right about one thing - I hadn't fully accept being pregnant until it started to show, I think it was more the case of not believing it until I could actually see it. My clothes no longer fit me, my waist line has expanded and I have a right little bump growing in front of me. I am still struggling to believe that there is actually a little life growing inside me. A baby, me having a baby, something else I found hard to believe. I can't wait to see what our baby is going to look like, but the prospect of being a Mother frightens me a little, I worry about not being a good Mother, my own Mother has not really set me a very good example to follow.
Cosmic can not leave the baby bump alone, if he is not constantly rubbing it he is talking to it. I think he is a lot more excited about the baby than I am. The baby already has a name whether it is a boy or a girl, it is going to be called Twilight after Comic's sister but he would really like the baby to be a boy. I'm still not too sure that calling the baby Twilight is a good idea, I like the name but I am not sure why Cosmic would want a constant reminder of the thing that haunts him the most, his sisters fading, especially at the moment with the silent calls and text that we have all been receiving from Lime.
Things are really no better between me and Mango, there is an awkwardness between us that just seems to be getting worse, he is still putting up that brick wall between us and he always seemed so irritated when he is around me and tries his hardest to avoid me. Sometimes when he thinks I am not taking any notice of him, I catch him watching me and he always has the same hurt expression on his face, he sees me looking at him then quickly looks away. A few times I've tried to talk to him about it but he just walks away not saying a word - I can see how much he is still hurting, and it bothers me.
After a short time the silent phone calls started to fade away a little, they are still coming but not so often, but still they all feel the need to have me 'babysat', there is someone with me all the time. On the days that Mango appears and it is just the two of us I thought we might be able to mend some of those broken bridges between us, but it's not happening, we end up bickering which is really upsetting me. Most of the time he brings his girlfriend with him and I am beginning to prefer these days, even though I don't like his girlfriend, when she is with him we can avoid each other, she keeps him occupied and we don't end up bickering with each other.
Mango's girlfriend Lavender didn't last very long, as Cosmic predicted. because none of his other girlfriends have lasted very long - Lavender soon disappeared, they broke up. I was the reason for their breakup apparently, she really didn't like the 'baby sitting' sessions and hated Mango being around me, she saw me as a threat, and I really don't know why because I am sure she can see that the atmosphere running between the two of us isn't good, but knowing Mango he would be stupid enough to tell her how he felt about me.
He wasn't single for very long, his new girlfriend, Maizie, is another nurse from the hospital. I hoped I might get on with this one, but she too took an instant disliking to me. She doesn't like me very much either but unlike Lavender, Maizie lets me know about it to my face.
Watching them together, completely grosses me out!! Although I don't know why I should be feeling this way, maybe I can understand a little where Mango is coming from when he said he hates seeing me and Cosmic together, but I shouldn't even be feeling this way .... Jealous even .... whatever this feeling is - I hate it and really don't understand it. Being pregnant my hormones are all over the place, I just hope this feeling is being created by my hormones playing up.
by Mango
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Lilly came down the stairs and started walking away from me towards the living room, she hadn't noticed me coming out of the bathroom. Cosmic had let me in earlier, while she was sleeping, he is now upstairs doing his normal morning work out, so she probably doesn't even know I am here. "How is the baby bump today??" So I, like a total idiot, just say the first stupid thing that came into my head and instantly regretted it, - even though I HATE the fact that she is pregnant with his child and their baby is really the last thing I want to be talking about - I needed to get her attention. Today I am feeling too weak to fight it, after a massive bust up with Maizie this morning, I find myself desperately needing Lilly, even if it's just a friendly conversation, or a hug if I'm lucky, I just needed to be close to her before I went out of my mind. There would have been a time when I could have talked through my troubles with her, but not any more, my stupid feeling have put a stop to that and ruined the best friendship I've ever had.
Lilly swung around, looking a little surprised, I might have shocked her with my presents, but my guess for her surprise is probably that, for once, I have actually gone out of my way to speak to her - I have really been a little too hard on her lately, keeping a distance between us - struggling to keep my feeling in check. "If you put your hand on it quickly you can feel the kicking, I'm actually worried about the constant kicking, it never stops" she said as she grabbed my hand. I quickly snatched my hand back out of her grasp, just the slightest touch of her hand sent a strange feeling rushing through me like an electric current which always drives me crazy. I snatched my hand away not because I wanted to, but because I had to - I can't afford to let her make me feel that way, it just makes being with Maizie even harder than it already is, when Maizie touches me all I feel is ... nothing ... just numbness. I hoped that dating other woman would help me move away from Lilly, but it's not working, it's just making it worse for me, it just makes me want her even more. They are not her, they don't even come close, I will never be satisfied until I get the real thing - and that's never going to happen - I know I'm doomed.
Lilly looked at me a little hurt and confused, then she grabbed for my hand again, a determined look on her face - this time I let her take it and gritted my teeth as that feeling washed over me again, I wandered for a second if she felt it too, searching her face for some sort of sign - then silently started swearing at myself - I had to stop this!!!. She didn't hold my hand for long, she let go of it as soon as she'd placed it onto her tummy. Instantly I could feel the baby kicking away underneath the palm of my hand, which distracted me, the baby was certainly very active, even over active for her stage of pregnancy. "Active little fella isn't he!!" I left my hand resting on her tummy, the baby constantly kicking away "It looks like he might be athletic, like Cosmic, you don't need to worry, he's perfectly fine, being active is a good sign that he is a healthy little boy." I looked up at her and noticed she had a strange look on her face.
"Why do you keep saying he? You said boy ... do you know it's a boy??!!" She looked at me confused again, I felt the blood rush from my face, thinking I just might have put my big foot in it by telling her the sex of the baby. I took my hand off her stomach and stood up straight, mentally kicking myself for slipping up.
"Oh My Berry!! .... I'm sorry!!" .... I thought they had wanted to know the sex of the baby, and would have expected Maize to have told them during the scan, now I felt awful, alarm bells ringing in my head, another reason why I should not be so close to my patients, I really need to get Lilly and Cosmic transferred over to one of the other doctors.
"We do want to know - we were upset when Maizie said it wasn't clear enough to tell us ..... so is it a boy??" She looked at me in anticipation waiting for an answer, a smile on her face. Relieved that I hadn't put my foot in it after all, I nodded in confirmation trying to smile at her even though I felt far from happy. I watched as her smile grew even bigger and she let out a little squeal of excitement. "Cosmic is going to be so happy!!! he really wants a boy"
I found it all very strange!! I looked at the scan pics and readings after Lilly and Cosmic had left the hospital. It is quite clear that the baby is a boy - even Maizie couldn't have missed that - which I know she hadn't - because she actually told me it was a boy before I even got the chance to look for myself. She could see perfectly, so why hadn't she told them? when obviously they had wanted to know. I know how much Maizie hates Lilly, I wouldn't put it past her to be a bitch, and withhold the information just to be spiteful. I need to have serious words with her, what she has done is very unprofessional, any of the other doctors would probably have strung her up for doing this!!
Now I'm feeling guilty for getting Maizie to cover my appointment while I volunteered myself for a stint in theatre, not in the mood to watch Cosmic and Lilly playing happy families, I was actually relieved when the emergency came in to get me out of their scan appointment. "I was in theatre yesterday, an emergency came in just before your appointment. I'm sorry I had to get Maizie to do your scan"
"She
didn't say where you were. Actually I thought you were avoiding me on purpose again - you
seem to be getting very good at that lately!!!!" She snapped at me quite sharply, which kind of took me by surprise, the smile now gone from her face, her temper rising along with mine - we can't even have a normal conversation anymore, we always end up bickering and one of us ends up storming off. "I want to know why you are totally blanking me, and you are not even civil to me most of the time!!"
"Don't start that again!!! Lilly how many times do I need to explain to you ........?" I snapped, its not the first time we have had this conversation, she thinks I'm being mean and nasty for trying to put distance between us, I'm not doing it to be nasty, far from it. I have to for my own sanity.
They should have let me cut ties with them as soon as we finished school, like I wanted to - but no - they had to keep on till I ran out of excuses and gave up. They all know how I feel about Lilly, "Aw you'll get over it" they said - yeah right - I wish I could - none of them have a damn clue!!!!. I knew then I was making a big mistake sticking around, but still I was stupid enough to let them talk me into believing it would all be fine, that I would get over it.
I was spared from saying anything when Cosmic appeared from his workout, he came bounding down the stairs, a big smile on his face as he looked at Lilly. I hate the fact that he is blatantly so happy and he has everything that I want.
"How is my little man today?" he said rubbing Lilly's tummy
"Playing football with my insides again, and Mango just told me, he looked at the scan pictures, you are getting the boy you wanted."
"Really!!" there he goes again, a big grin on his face, like the cat that's got the cream - and he has - he always seems to get everything he wants. He picked Lilly up and swung her around a few times. My mind suddenly flashed back to when I had done that to her, that time at school and a few times during those two weeks in the holidays here in this town with my parents, when we had so much fun together and we were happier than either of us had ever been - then HE happened, him and his damn flowers - we were getting somewhere until he crashed in and ruined everything.
Cosmic starts to kiss her right in front of me, my stomach lurched and I struggled to stop myself from throwing up all over the carpet. If only he knew how much I hated him .... huh! .... why am I even doing this to myself, I bring myself around here every day just to set myself up for more heartache, just seeing her is enough to hurt me. If it wasn't for Lime and her text threats to me and Cosmic of not stopping until she fades Lilly - I would have been long gone by now. I've stayed to help protect her, and for what? It's not to make my life better, just worse, the pain of seeing them together every day - this is seriously starting to drive me insane, it is changing me, I'm becoming bitter and twisted, and I don't like it one little bit.
I seriously can't do this to myself anymore - I have to leave - she doesn't need me, she has everyone else looking out for her. I can go anywhere, to the eye I'm a pure berry, I could settle in any town and nobody would bother about me. I'm going to apply for that transfer that has been sat on my desk taunting me for two days - I'm going to get myself a million miles away from here - then maybe I can move on from this.
The sooner I'm gone from here, the better!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
by Lilly
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wedding dress obviously is not going to fit me now, the wedding only two weeks away I need a new one, one that is going to accommodate my huge baby bump. We have left it until the last possible minute not knowing just how big the baby bump was going to get. Ruby who is also heavily pregnant needs a new dress and Maizie is coming along ... well, I don't really know why she is coming along, because she is making it pretty obviously to everyone that she doesn't want to be here with me, so why come? Nobody forced her too!! I sometimes think secretly she has a thing for Prelude, she never leaves him alone when she is round here, and I imagine that is the only reason why she even bothers to come around here.
Cosmic and Mango are meeting Sunny in town and they are going to play golf while we are shopping for a new dress. Prelude is coming with us as he is paying for my dress. Standing out front waiting for Ruby who is still inside fussing over whether the teenage baby sitter is capable of looking after three toddlers on her own. "Ruby come on!!" Cosmic is getting impatient while I'm having a mini breakdown, worrying that I won't find a wedding dress to fit me and then worrying about how I am going to look in a wedding dress with my huge baby bump - ridiculous!!!!
The three of them are nattering away to each other quite oblivious that I'm stood here cracking up, my hormones are all over the place and I'm a blubbering wreck, not helped by the fact that I'm still reeling from the tiff that started between me and Mango earlier that Cosmic interrupted, I seriously needed to have it out with Mango, I can't carry on with the way it is going between us, the tension, its slowly starting to crack me up.
I am really not happy that I am going to look like a hippopotamus on my wedding day.
"I can't do this, maybe we should postpone the wedding, I am going to look ridiculous with this lump in a wedding dress!!" Suddenly the boys went quiet, Prelude and Mango both looking at Cosmic, it was like one of those "uh oh" moments when everyone's holding their breath and you could hear a pin drop. Well it would have been if it wasn't for my blubbering.
Cosmic pulled me to one side and started to try and calm me down, telling me I was being stupid and worrying over nothing. I would look beautiful bump or no bump apparently - but he wasn't doing a very good job of convincing me - my mind was set.
My phone started to ring, I answered it and was just faced with a familiar silence at first. It has been a while since any of us have had any silent calls and we have all started to relax a little, I thought that Lime has just been trying to scare us, but it would never amount to anything, I thought she had probably gotten fed up of her own game, but the boys were not so easy to let it go.
As I started to pull the phone away from my ear to switch it off, I stopped, quickly placing it back to my ear again because I had heard a noise coming from the phone. Laughing - I could hear laughing - Lime laughing down the phone at me.
I would recognize that laugh anywhere - Limes evil laughter is getting louder in my ear, making alarm bells ring in my head, I suddenly felt very scared. I quickly snapped my phone off so that I didn't have to listen to it anymore. Cosmic is watching me with a worried look on his face, the expression on my face must have given away to him that something is wrong. "Lime laughing." that is all that I could say to him at first.
I can hear Mango and Maizie still bickering behind me, this is grating on my nerves and adding to the panic that is welling up inside of me.
My head is spinning, I can't get the sound of Limes laughter out of my head - Mango and Maize still bickering away behind me - in front of me I have Prelude and Cosmic both staring at me impatiently waiting for me to tell them about the phone call - I start feeling claustrophobic and can feel the panic taking over me.
Suddenly Mango screams "MOVE ..... NOW ...!!!!" I didn't even get the chance to turn to see what he is screaming at.
I didn't have time to react, suddenly I felt three sets of hands on me - Mango grabbed my arm and pulled me screaming "LILLY ... MOVE" as Prelude and Cosmic both pushed me flying backwards. I could see the look of horror on both of their faces as I felt myself flying backwards away from them. I just caught a slight glimpse of the grey car as the bushes swallowed me whole. I ended up lay on my back in the middle of the hydrangea bush, struggling to untangle myself from the branches that seemed determined to hold me down. I heard Maizie she screamed Mango's name then there was a loud thud, followed by another, I just knew that car had hit someone, then I heard the car tyres squealing as it sped away. All the time I'm desperately fighting with the bush and can't see a thing, I can only imagine what might have happened.
Finally freeing myself from the undergrowth, I scrambled to my feet awkwardly because of my heavy bump hindering me. I just stood and looked in horror at the scene that lay out in front of me.
Mango and Maize lay on the floor moaning, Mango is holding his face, his hand is covered in blood. He looked over at me "Lilly are you ok??" he asked and I just nodded, then I saw the expression on his face as he looked over at Cosmic and Prelude - He suddenly sprang to his feet and into action, I heard him on his phone calling for help as he rushed over to where Cosmic and Prelude are lying checking them both for a pulse. Maizie too now up on her feet ran over to help Mango.
It felt like my heart stopped when I looked over at Prelude and Cosmic, realizing both of them were lying silently and motionless over by the mailbox. I was frozen in shock riveted to the spot not sure what to do, watching Mango and Maizie hunched over the two bodies whispering quietly to each other, I couldn't hear a thing being said but I just knew it was bad.
"COSMIC!!" "PRELUDE!!"
I started to run towards them. Mango shouted at me to stay where I was. Maizie who was leaning over Prelude quickly sprang to her feet and rushed towards me stopping me from getting to them. I heard Mango telling Prelude to hang on and he started pressing down on his chest - I panicked knowing exactly what it meant, I tried to fight Maizie, desperate to get to them, but she firmly had a hold of my arms determined to stop me from getting past her. Why and what about Cosmic, why have they just left him lying there?
Suddenly the most horrendous pain tore across my stomach, doubling me over.
"AAAWWWWW"
a second pain
"AAAAWWWW - What's happening??" I could feel something warm and wet running down the insides of my legs.
"Oh No!! Mango!!" Maizie shouted as we both stared at the pool of bloody water collecting round my feet.
"Lilly??" Mango rushed over to me "Are you hurt? What's wrong?" I didn't answer him more bothered about seeing the unspoken communication between the two of them and watching Maizie running over to Prelude to continue what Mango had been doing.
"AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW"
Another even sharper pain - damn this hurts!! I doubled over again holding my stomach, I felt Mango's hand on my stomach and I heard him swear, that's when I realized ......
"THE BABY!!!???"
~~~~~~~~~~
Songs : Moments by Once Direction
