Chapter 16 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~ Kiss Me Slowly ~

Time is irrelevant, there is no way of telling if its day or night, or even how long I have been here.   I never eat, I never need to use the bathroom and I only sleep to dream in this place I seem to be .....  just existing.  I am not even sure there is a point to my existence, I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds, the living and the faded, or am I just trapped in my own crazy mind.  The worst part is not knowing how I got here or even how I'm ever getting out.

I only sleep to dream because I chose too - never feeling tired,  and really there is no need for me to sleep.  I just feel like I've suddenly gained the ability of closing my eyes and switching off.  My dreams or visions, whatever they are - is what keep drawing me back in - curious of what I might see - and getting very confused and frighted with what I am seeing.

  Dreams at the best of times never make a lot of sense, dreams can sometimes be so irrational they verge on insanity, things that just aren't possible in life can happen in your mind while you are sleeping.  These dreams are not like that.

The dreams that I am having in this place are not like normal dreams - they are never irrational, they always makes sense and they are always a memory that reminds me of something else that has happened in my life.

I don't remember my life, only what the book is letting me see again, it is reminding me of my past, and each reminder is producing a chain of memories that is slowly helping me piece my life back together.  Also the dreams that I am having here - they are also helping to fill in the blanks of my life.  Hopefully in the end I am going to find the reason for all this.

Every time I close my eyes I have only one wish  - to see Cosmic.
I rarely see him and if I do he is pushing me away, telling me to go back - why I don't understand??  He said forever - so why is he sending me away?

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Mango phoned me and told me to meet him in the meadow, but he never said where so I start to look around for him, he said he had a surprise for me - I couldn't imagine what.

I can hear piano music softly playing in the distance, so I automatically follow it, knowing straight away I've found him, giggling to myself, wandering what he has gone and done now.

Turning the corner there he is as I expected, Mango sat playing the piano, but his piano out in the meadow is the last thing I could have expected.  He never ceases to amaze me, he does the strangest things sometimes!!!  I sat down beside him and he carried on playing until I spoke.

"Why on earth would you bring your piano out here??"  I looked at him and saw the mischievous grin spread across his face

"You said you wandered what it would be like to play out here  - so knock yourself out - it's all yours"  He waved towards the keys and sat back resting his hands on his legs.

"You are an idiot sometimes, you know that don't you!!" we both started laughing as I started to play, he had even thought about bringing the music sheets for me.  After a few minutes he joined in, I play left handed he plays right handed - we are getting pretty good at playing together.

We played the piano together for what seemed like hours, we did a lot of laughing, mainly at my mistakes, because of course he never makes any.  To him playing the piano comes quite naturally, his fingers glide across the keys gracefully - he doesn't even need to look for the notes - he feels the music - I don't, for me it needs a lot of concentration - so after a while I start making a lot of mistakes and get ratty.

"I can feel some lid slamming coming on, I'm a surgeon and need my fingers remember."  He stopped playing suddenly snatching his hands away from the keys then grinned at me.  He can read me so well and yes when I lose my temper I do have a habit of slamming down the lid in frustration.  He stood up and held out his hand "Come, I want to show you something."

He started walking away, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him.  "Are you just going to leave your piano there?"  I asked not really thinking.

"Yes, unless you think you are strong enough to carry it on your own - it took 5 men to get it here!!"  I had not even given a thought to how he had gotten the piano here. "Don't worry, I never did like it being so dark, I had a new one delivered earlier it's a lot brighter."   That kind of made me laugh a little, he's colour blind and he's changed his piano because of it's colour, does it really matter what colour it is, don't they all play the same anyway!?

He led me to the bench and sat down, I automatically sat down beside him and he put his arm around me and we just sat there for ages in silence like we do a lot of the time.  It's been very hard these past few years for both of us, but I'm really glad I finally have my best friend back, all that we have been through has brought us even closer together.

"Do you like them??"  he asked me suddenly  "I had them changed"  until he said I hadn't noticed that the pond lights had changed - they were purple they are now colourless.

"Whatever did you do that for?"  I asked but I think I already know why he has done it.  If I hadn't told him he would never have known they were purple.  "You know removing all traces of purple from the world is not going to make any difference don't you!!  Im beginning to worry I'll come home one of these days and find you have painted both of my brothers a different colour!!!"  I know he thinks he is helping me but it really doesn't make a difference, it's not going to help me forget what I've lost any quicker.

He ignored what I had said, trying to totally change the subject and started rattling on about the fun times he used to have here when he was a young boy, how he used to sneak here with his mates just to go swimming in the pond and the trouble he got into when his parents found out.

My phone started ringing, I bit my lip, I had no intention of answering it  "Are you not going to answer that?  It could be important"  he said when I just left it ringing.

"No..... I've ...... errr ...... started getting those silent phone calls again."  Even though they scared me, I hadn't wanted to tell him about the phone calls because I know exactly how he would react.

He shot up from where he was laying   "Why in Berry's name didn't you tell me!!!  Since when - when did they start again??"  A look of shock and horror on his face - I know exactly what he is thinking, but I don't even want to think about it, that would mean having to remember, when all I am trying to do is forget .

"Last night, Prelude is getting them too."   he closed his eyes for a minute

"First thing tomorrow I'm getting you a new phone and we should go to the police this time, you can argue all you like  - I'm doing it whether you like it or not!!!"  I wasn't planning on arguing with him, I know he is right.

"Please Mango - can we not talk about this right now!!"

"Lilly you know you can't just sweep this under the carpet, what if ....."

"NO!!!! DON'T SAY IT!!!!" 

I got up and started to run, but he grabbed me and brought me to a halt and I crumpled into a heap on the grass, he pulled me towards him and just held me.  "Ok - Ok - I'm sorry, but I'm NOT letting anyone else fade, I will be doing something about it tomorrow!!!"  he said.   I had gone and done what I told myself I wouldn't do in front of him anymore - I started to cry.

He just held me saying nothing until I stopped crying - I know how much this hurts him, he loves me and he has to watch me still crying over somebody else - I don't know how he can stand sticking around me when all I ever do is hurt him.

"I'm sorry - I don't mean to keep hurting you, I will get over it one day!!"  He shuffled himself out from under me and shifted to my side where he could face me  "I know"  he said but it wasn't very convincing like he didn't believe it himself  "I will honestly, but I don't know why you put up with me!!"

"You know why!!"  he said then added suddenly  "Let's go swimming!!"  I tried to protest I didn't have a swimming costume  "We don't need one - it's not like I've never seen you in your underwear before!!"  It wasn't that what bothered me it was the thought of the cold water.

He scrambled to his feet and started to take his clothes off, so I did the same.  We were both stood there in just our underwear.

"You know I'd rather fade myself than lose you!!"  he said suddenly.  He didn't need to tell me, that I already know, he has already put his neck on the line for me once, without Maizie's quick reaction,  he would have been lying next to Cosmic and I would have lost them both.

 He suddenly swept me up into his arms  "You best not be throwing me into that pond!!"
He just laughed and started walking towards the water, I gritted my teeth waiting for him to launch me into the water but he didn't he carried me in.

He gently lowered me into the water, it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be, my feet sank into the muddy pond floor, I didn't like the feeling very much of the slimy mud - I never even gave a thought to what might be swimming about in this water.   We had our arms around each other and he's laughing at the faces I'm pulling as I move my feet around in the slimy mud.  He leans his head towards me and I though for a second he is finally going to kiss me.

The expression on his face changed and he let go of me backing away a little and turning his face away from me.  I know exactly what he is doing fighting with himself, so many times he has gone to kiss me then stopped himself, I know I am the one who is going to have to make the first move.  How can he find it so easy to tell me he loves me but so hard to kiss me?!  Maybe it's because he thinks this is still all one sided, not once have I replied  I love you too, when I should have done, too scared to admit it out loud in case I lost him too.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him towards me, our faces were inches apart, I closed the gap pressing my lips down onto his, I saw his eyes widen with surprise for a second then he closed them as his lips parted and he started to kiss me slowly.

He drew back for breath but then his lips crashed back down onto mine again, our kissing is no longer slow, now it's more urgent, verging on erratic, he is losing control and taking me with him.  I wrapped my legs around him and he held me up against him, still kissing me intensely as he walked us towards the edge of the pond.  He lifted me up onto the grass at the edge of the pond and scrambled out of the water.   We lay together on the grass, and both totally lost all control, watched only by the moon and stars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat bolt upright - I couldn't breath, I sat panicking as I realized something.
I knew instantly that was no jumbled up dream - that was another memory - how could I have not remembered that.  A string of other memories flashed across my mind.  Mango - my heart starts to ache - how could I have forgotten what we had become.
Yet again I couldn't see past Cosmic, he always makes me blind.

I can hear the piano music again which draws me over towards the door.   I am hearing it a lot now when I'm not sleeping and I know it is Mango sat playing his piano, I can tell by the songs being played.  But where is he and why does he sound so close?  I know Mango is out there somewhere, hurting and waiting for me.

I just don't know how to get there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song:  Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute