Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Chapter 22 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~ Just One Last Time ~

I throw the book down violently on the floor in temper.

How many more times am I going to have to go through this?

Grieving for Cosmic and the baby was probably the worst time of my life.  I say probably because I don't know what else is to come, but I don't need to keep being reminded. I don't need it to keep coming back to haunt me!!!!  I feel like this book is trying to show me something.

I started wandering what happened to Alpine?
I hope he made it - I just wished I could remember.

I shuffled across the floor to sit closer to the door.

I can hear the piano music again, all the time it seems to be getting louder and louder.  The song he is playing sounds familiar, I searched through my memory to find it.  School.  I remember hearing that once at school, he had played it in temper then, that's how it sounded now.  He is hitting the piano keys too hard in  frustration.  I sat and listened, suddenly there was a twanging noise like he had smashed his hands down on a load of keys, then a load bang - he has just slammed down the piano lid - I know he has.

 When the piano music silenced I can here another new sound - I sat for quite a while trying to work out what it was, a tinking sound ............ it reminded me of Mulberry when he was a toddler  .......... a child's xylophone.  No it couldn't be.   Suddenly the piano music started again and drown out the quieter tinking noise.  He's playing my favourite song again now.

I leant my head back against the wall, closed my eyes and just listened to the music
I drifted off to sleep 


I am sitting in the cemetery, crying quietly sat in front of Cosmic and the baby's graves.
 Somehow I knew that book would bring my mind back here.

I heard a voice behind me that made me jump.

"Lilly why are you dreaming about me again??"

I knew the voice ..... but it couldn't be 

"Cosmic?"   I turned to see a ghostly figure

"I'm imagining this, I don't believe in ghosts!!" 

I started to rub my eyes but when I looked again he is still there

"That is why you have never been able to see me, 
I'm always here but because you don't believe you've never seen or heard me."

"But I can see you now."

"Well things aren't exactly normal right now are they Lilly!!"

I looked at him

 "It's actually been a long time since you visited or even thought about this place in body mind or spirit."

I shook my head at him what he said wasn't right.

"This is just too confusing, I don't understand what is going on any more."

"That's why I'm here because you still don't get it do you - you still don't see it!!  You should have left this place years ago.  Have you even worked out where you are yet?"

"I think so, but ...... if I told you what I think you'll just laugh at me!!"

"Sit down, I need to tell you something before it's too late."

"You have got yourself stuck and at the moment you're fading, you are chosing to fade" 
he said to me as he sat down

"I am? why am I stuck?"

"You want to go back to him but you feel guilty because of me."

"I .........."  

"But it's okay Lilly, you don't need to feel guilty, you are meant to go back to him."

"You don't mind?!"

"What if I told you your life was never meant to be purple, I just got in the way, you were born colourless for a reason."

"What do you mean?"

"It was always meant to be him, I just got in the way of that."

I looked at him wandering why he is saying this to me.

"You still don't see that you have loved him all along do you?  You have always loved him."

"Why are you saying this to me I thought you loved me?"

"I do love you, but he was always going to love you more than I ever could, 
I always knew it back then but I was just too selfish to step aside."

I watched as he slowly started to fade away

"What about forever?  You promised!!"

"Remember I love you and forever is still there 
but somehow I don't think you will chose to spend forever with me.

I jut looked at him as he got fainter and fainter

"Just remember - there is something else you have to do before forever
 please make the right decision - you need to go back."

he completely vanished before my eyes
He was gone 
and I knew it was forever.

I opened my eyes.

 I sat there just thinking about what Cosmic had said to me realising I felt no emotion
His visit hadn't created any emotion - I wasn't upset, it didn't hurt, I just felt numb.

That's when I heard it

"Lilly can you hear me"  Mango's voice I can hear it clearly like he is right next to me talking into my ear  "Squeeze my hand, please let me know you're in there."

I looked around me then down at my hands turning them over slowly.   I sat staring at my hands knowing they are no more real than these four walls that I've created around me in my mind .

If only I knew how to wake myself up.


Song:  Just One Last Time - Davd Guetta


I hope this chapter has given you something to think about - there are enough clues in there with the other white room chapters for you to work out what is going on  here without me actually saying it.

I will be putting out the next chapter tomorrow as this was a very short chapter.


  1. I am pretty sure I got the gist of what is going on. Can't wait to read the next chapter tomorrow.

  2. Very nice. I'd actually thought that the room was physical until now -- that she'd had a breakdown and was recovering in an institution. So this was a surprise. Very curious to read on.

    1. I was interested to see what you were going to say - because I know I'd thrown you onto the insanity track. Well - it won't be too long now we are about 5 chapters away from Lilly catching up with herself. But I will tell you - no that room is not physical :)

  3. I had kind of guessed when you mentioned last white room chapter that she hadn't eaten that she might be in a coma or something but I still wasn't sure. I love this story so much :) I'm hooked

  4. Oh, she's in a coma! How sad about her and Cosmic, I thought for sure she loved him. That's good for Mango's cause though!

  5. I thought she was in a coma and trying to come out of it or not. Depending upon which one she chose, Cosmic or Mango. I think she loved both of them but never acknowledged her true feelings for Mango until after Cosmic was gone.