Lying at the bottom of the stairs, blood already forming a puddle around her head. My hands working hard to stop the flow, being a neurosurgeon, I already knew that this was not looking good. I ripped at my top, I needed material, she lifted her hand and touched my arm which halted me for a second she whispered something, one word that I didn't quite catch, then her hand slid off my arm and dropped like a brick onto the floor. I thought the worst "No, Lilly stay with me!!" I grabbed her wrist trying to find her pulse, it was still there but very faint, pulling back her eye lids, she was still in there but only just.
I have tortured myself ever since wandering what that last word was that she had whispered before she slipped into unconsciousness. That could be the last thing she is ever going to say to me - I so desperately wanted to know what she had said, so much so it has started to eat me up.
I lay there replaying the scene in my head, every time I close my eyes I do it, It feels like I have watched it over and over a thousand times ....... for eight weeks I've hardly slept and when I do I'm woken by nightmares, Lilly never makes it in my dreams even though she is still in the hospital and still holding on - I get the feeling this is all going to end badly. The longer she stays in this coma the more likely that she is going to come out of it brain damaged, and the longer it continues the less likely it is that she she will ever wake up.
There is a tapping on the bedroom door that disturbed me from my thoughts, I opened my eyes. "Mango can I come in?" It is Mom, I told her to come in.
"You are up late Mom."
"I've just finish a late shift and noticed your light is still on." she said sitting down on the sofa and patting the seat next to her for me to sit by her, which usually means I'm in for one of her talks. "How are you feeling today dear?" Oh here we go.
"How do you think I feel - I'm never going to be right again - especially if she never wakes up - why Mom? Why did this have to happen to us?." I could already feel the tears stinging my eyes.
"I really don't know dear." she looked at me "It's been about eight weeks now hasn't it?"
"Yes eight weeks and 2 days why?" I asked her, she didn't say anything but I can tell she is thinking, she pulls this strange face when she is trying to rationalize her thoughts "And don't go giving me any medical rubbish about coma's because I've read nearly everything that can be read, there is nothing you can tell me that is going to make me feel any better."
"No dear, I was just wandering .............. did Lilly give you any indication that she might be pregnant before she fell?"
"No why?" I thought that was a strange question for her to ask me
"This morning I was doing some washing and I came in here to change your bed clothes and noticed Lilly's dressing gown hanging on the back of the door, so I thought I would take that to wash too. I found something and I've agonized over it all day, I didn't know whether to tell you or not. I don't want you feeling any worse than you already do!!"
"Tell me what?"
"When I was putting it into the machine I checked the pockets and found something that I think you should see." she reached into her pocket but didn't pull anything out at first she sat there with her hand in her pocket "Now this might come as bit of a shock but I don't want you to go upsetting yourself too much dear." My mind started working overtime - what could she possibly have in her pocket that might upset me?
I held out my hand "Just give it me Mom, whatever it is it can't be that bad."
She placed the white stick onto my hand gently, I know instantly what it is "I'm sorry - you know it is more than likely she would have lost it in the fall"
Mom's words just washed over my head as I sat there staring at the word "positive" I could feel the blood draining from my face as my mind flashed back to the morning the fall had happened. "How accurate are pregnancy test kits from the chemist" she had asked me "These days 99%, why?" I'd answered still busy with my head in a book researching a new drug that I was considering trying on Alpine. "You know Ruby thinks she's pregnant again don't you!!" she had said throwing me off the scent "AGAIN!!" I'd laughed. She had then changed the topic of conversation onto Prelude's antics and I never gave her question another thought.
"FUDGE!!!!"
My head went into panic mode - I needed to get to the hospital.
"Mango - what are you going to do?" Mom asked but I just ignored her.
I stuffed the test kit into my pocket and ran out of the room Mom calling after me to stop, but I couldn't - I had to know - I had to get to the hospital.
I ran down the stairs, looking on the table in the hall my car keys were not there, not having time to look for them I went out the front door and ran all the way to the hospital, I probably would have got there quicker if I'd driven, but I probably am not capable of driving safely with the way I'm feeling right now anyway.
I didn't stop running, even two impatient to wait for the lift I legged it up the stairs and all the way to ICU, a few of the doctors and nurses giving me funny looks as I ran past them, some of them I came very close to knocking flying, a few I did, but I didn't stop.
I burst through the double doors of ICU ran round the cubicals and nurses station and into Lilly's side room.
One of the nurses following me into the room "Dr Muffin .........." she stopped when she saw what I was doing. I had Lilly's notes folder open throwing sheet after sheet aside in a panic to find what I was looking for. Paper flying everywhere the nurse trying to pick it up as some of it floated to the floor. I heard the door open and someone else came into the room, Forrest.
"Mango what on earth are you doing?" I ignored him, I found the page I was looking for searching for the word I wanted - Pregnancy test = N/A - she hadn't been tested. Forrest stood in front of me "Mango what's wrong?" I ignored him again and went over to the equipment boxes and pulled out a fresh syringe, ripping off the wrapper then grabbed for a blood vial.
"Mango, I know she's your wife but you can't just come in here and do what you want - she is not your patient, you know hospital policy, you are not allowed to treat her - give me that needle now before you do something stupid - I'm her doctor - tell me what are you doing??"
"Taking bloods." I said as he snatched the syringe from my hand "Why has no one ran a pregnancy test on Lilly?"
"After everything she went through and the operations she's had - and you did actually said No when I asked you if she was pregnant Mango - I didn't think there was a need to have her tested - what is wrong with you anyway?? I've never seen you this ........... demented before!!!."
"I didn't know." I took the test kit out of my pocket and handed it to him. I felt light headed so I sat down in the chair by her bed feeling really defeated. Head in hands trying my hardest to fight away the tears that are threatening to start falling.
"You know Mango if she was pregnant with all that she has been through, it's not likely she still is .... that was one hell of a fall that she had ........"
I looked up at him "I know ....... but I need to know!!" I was virtually in tears
"Don't worry, I'll do bloods and we'll organize an ultrasound..asap " I watched him take some blood from her arm then turning to the nurse and told her to take it down to pathology on fast track.
"I'll wait." I said as I went to grabbed her notes again.
"Mango!!!" he shouted at me
"Forrest, chill, I'm just looking at her notes that's all, you need to phone radiology don't you - I don't intend to wait all night - I want to know NOW not tomorrow!!" he laughed at me as he walked out of the room.
Eight weeks and 2 days that is how long it has been since she slipped into a coma - the likely hood of her waking up and when - who knows? The only good sign she is breathing on her own she doesn't need the machines to do it for her. Nobody can predict when a coma patient wakes up if they ever do. Lilly's brain shuts itself down after her first operation and there is no telling when and if it will every switch itself back on again. All I can do is stand here - hope and pray that one day soon Lilly will wake up again.
My tears started falling again and I was long past caring who saw them, I can be composed as a doctor but not when it's Lilly, my whole life. Every second of the last eight weeks and 2 days have been hell for me.
I heard bumping and banging as the door started to open slowly, a nurse pushing an ultrasound machine came into the room using it like a ram to open the door, it always makes me really angry to watch how some of the hospital staff disrespect the machines. Forrest following close behind. "You are in luck - they are quiet - but then it is 3am in the morning, Mango do you ever sleep?"
"Not any more!!" I said to him as I sat back down on the chair, butterflies in my stomach head in hands listening to them working around the machine impatiently waiting for them to do what they have to do.
"Are you coming to look Mango?" I shook my head and put my head back in my hands. I couldn't bare to look not really knowing what I wanted the result to be. It will fade me if he says there is no baby and of course I would be ecstatic if she was pregnant under normal conditions but she is lay here in a coma, I have to be realistic - Pregnant and in a coma - there are just too many things that make it a total nightmare situation and I don't know if I have the strength to go through it!!!!
"Well I'll be damned!!" Forrest said suddenly "Mango I think you should come and look at this."
I stood up and moved to where I could see the monitor "Oh Berry!!!!"
I saw it straight away, there is no way you could miss the fetus moving about on the screen its little heart beating away at a normal pace. "You've been busy Dad" he said as he playfully punched my arm laughing then pointed to the monitor "Can you see what I see?" Too many arms and legs that's what I can see, I watch as he moved the angle to a better position making a second fetus and heart beat clearly visible "This can't be happening - there is two of them!!!" I said as the shock started to set in, I took a step closer to the screen. "How have they manage to survive?" I asked my eyes fixed on the two healthy fetus wriggling around .
"You know as well as I do Doc - where the human body is concerned anything is possible even the impossible!! But I have to say this has to be one of my biggest shockers to date!!! Especially as we had no idea they were even in there!!!" he said "She's 12 weeks but only just according to this."
"Aren't they a little small for 12 weeks." I said as I took my eyes off the screen and ran my hand across Lilly's stomach noticing how bloated it looked "You know I can see it now, how have the regular day staff not noticed how bloated her stomach has become ..... if I'd been her doctor I'd have noticed the change in her stomach, but seeing as you won't let me near her ......"
"That's because you're her husband and you know hospital policy - I know you are finding this very hard Mango but sometimes you realy don't make my job easy you know - and yes I hold my hands up I didn't notice the change in her when I should have done" I went to say something in reply but he cut my words short - "Do you have any more multiples in your family?" he asked "Can you move your hand off her stomach for a minute"
I took my hand off her stomach as I watched the expression on Forests face "Lilly's brother has twins." I said still watching his face, this smirk spread across his face as he looked back at me.
"Any triplets?" he said smiling
"No why?"
"Because I've just found another little fella hiding away at the back!!"
"WHAT!!" I ran round to look at the monitor, while i had been rubbing my hand gently backwards and forwards over her stomach I hadn't been watching the monitor at all. I could now see the smaller fetus lying behind the other two. For a minute I thought my legs were going to give way from underneath me.
"That's why they look undersize for twins - they are actually triplets!!"
"He's a lot smaller than the other two, we are going to have to keep our eye on him." he looked over at me "I'm not holding my hopes up for the little one, he is way too small compared to what he should be."
"I agree but it's a do-able mess Mango you have to stay positive - if you want my honest opinion you need Lilly not to wake up right now, you know how messy the wake up process is that combined with a multiple pregnancy could be disastrous!!!! As long as she stays as she is there is nothing stopping those babies going full term for triplets 29 - 33 weeks they have survived for 8 weeks without us knowing they are there - with the right care and attention its just another 15 weeks Mango and they can be delivered safely."
"Just another 15 weeks!!!! The last 8 weeks have felt like an eternity for me Forrest and I didn't have babies to worry about, another 15 weeks - I'm going to be mentally insane by then - there is just too much that can go wrong and with my luck - everything that can go wrong will go wrong!!"
"Nonsense - you have 3 healthy looking babies there, that is your first big piece of good luck right there - I'd bank on at least two of them making it, the little fella at the back might be a little touch and go but all we can do is try our best. For 12 weeks they are perfect - there are no abnormalities showing, 2 are normal size for triplets, no. 3 is a little smaller than I would like but he's a little fighter he's got this far!!! From now on they will be monitored 24/7"
"Have you done anything medically to her that might have affected the babies, that you wouldn't have done if you had known she was pregnant?" I worried, they might have done something that might be harmful for the babies.
"Off hand I can't think of anything - only scans but I'll go through her notes later."
"She lost a baby before you know, at 27 weeks, he faded in premature childbirth, there should be notes in her file somewhere. This makes me a little less confident."
"You should go home, get some sleep, I'm sure you will feel a lot better about this after you've had some rest, you have looked very washed out lately." he patted me on the back before he started to tidy away the ultra sound machine. He handed me three small scan pictures, my parents are going to get the shock of thier lives when I take these home!!!
"I'm going to stay here and sit with Lilly for a while, if I go home I won't sleep anyway."
"Yes about that Mango, I'd advise you get dressed the next time you decide to come tearing to the hospital in the middle of the night." he started laughing.
I looked down at myself, Oh Berry!!! I am still wearing my bed clothes.
"Ok Forrest, you've had your laugh, don't you have patients to look after!!" I can hear him having absolute hysterics behind me, while I'm stood here feeling too embarrassed to turn round and face him. How had he managed to keep a straight face up until now, he must have noticed the minute I came charging in here.
"You KNOW ...... I'm never letting you forget this one don't you Mango!!" he said hardly able to speak for laughing.
"Yeah that's what I'm scared of!!"
18 weeks later
The C Section was originally planned for 29 weeks but the smallest of the triplets was still too small and he would never have survived. Lilly still had not shown any signs of waking up and I hated the thought of her now being a human incubator for our babies, but what choice did we have. We stretched it out for another 3 weeks to give the little one a better chance but we still didn't hold much hope for him. Today's the day, we couldn't risk delaying delivering the triplets any longer.
"Theatre one is free now, sorry for the hold up we hit a complication." I said to Forrest
"You're still in scrubs, I hope you don't think you're coming into theatre with us!!" he looked at me with that face of his.
"No, I know I can't come in but I will be observing."
"Oh No!!!! I'm not having you banging on the glass and distracting me and I know you the slightest sign of any problems and you'll be in there - Mango you can wait out in the corridor like a normal expecting Dad would have to - it's for your own good."
"But ........."
"No buts - you know the little one is touch and go and if the worst does happens you won't be able to just sit there and watch will you!! So it's best you don't see anything."
I suppose being relegated to the corridor is probably the best thing for me - even though I wanted to be in there - Forrest is right, the slightest sign of anything going wrong and I will be in there - sod the consequences.
I sat staring at the theatre doors, something I've had to do on more than one occasion since Lime pushed Lilly down the stairs. I hate every minute that Lilly is in theatre, because I can't be in there, I have to put her life in somebody else's hands which is very hard for me.
Today is different I have to trust Forrest with four lives, not just one.
Both of my parents turned up, Mom's on a day off and Dad has a spare few hours between theatre slots, so they both thought they would come and keep me company and of course they are both pretty excited about becoming grandparents.
It seemed like an eternity had passed by when Forrest finally came walking out through the theatre doors.
I stood up nervously trying to work out the expression on his face.
"Go on - tell me - bad news first"
"There actually is no bad news - Lilly and all three babies are fine."
"Really!!??"
"Yes, the little one is actually stronger than I thought he would be, he's got a right pair of lungs on him, but he's not out of the woods just yet - he's going to be in the baby unit longer than the other two but you already knew that."
"What colour are they? you'll have to tell me."
"Oh yeah your colour blind, I forgot, the girl is purple she has orange hair, the stronger boy is orange and has purple hair and the smaller boy is all orange, but the strangest thing - all three of them have Lilly's eyes."
"That's not possible!!"
"Honestly, all three of them have colourless eyes - it's started a right debate amongst the theatre staff - none of us thought it was genetically possible."
"No neither did I!!"
I stood staring at the three babies, not completely sure I could take it all in. I never dreamed this could be possible - from the moment I found out Lilly was pregnant I convinced myself I was not lucky enough for this to work out. I never imagined one of them making it - now I'm stood here looking at all three of them.
"It's been hours and you didn't phone I couldn't wait any longer" Mulberry suddenly appeared
"Sorry. Ive just been stood here for ages - I'm not sure I can take this in - pinch me Mulberry I'm not dreaming am I?"
"If you are then we are sharing the same dream - all three made it - that's wicked!!"
"The little one on the left is not safe yet, but fingers crossed, he's stronger than we thought he would be."
"Lilly is okay isn't she?"
"Yes she's fine, I checked on her before I came down to see these three, I wish she was here she needs to wake up more than ever now - they need their Mom!!!"
"So what are you going to call them?"
Names - oh berry!! I hadn't even give a thought to what names I am going to give them - this is where I need Lilly, what would she want to call them?
"I think I might need some help with that because I don't have a clue!!!"
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Song: - Time for Mirracles - Adam Lambert
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