Sunday, 20 November 2016

Forrest 2

Words - Birdy

As soon as we walk into Caramels house, we can hear the very loud television.  I see Bay is sat on the couch alone watching it.  I'm quite surprised that he is here, not even thinking to ask Caramel who is sitting with Alpine while we were at the hospital.

He has the television on so loud, he didn't seem to hear the front door opening.  I stand laughing as Caramel frowns at me and covers her ears.  I tap him on the shoulder which makes him nearly jump right out of his skin.

       "Are you deaf?"  I yell at him over the top of the television
       "No!!"  he laughs at me

Bay jumps up off the couch and turns the volume completely off with the remote.

       "So why is the tv on so loud?"  I frown at him
       "I was trying to drown out Dad's yelling earlier, and I just haven't bothered to turn it back down!!"  he laughs
       "You need to tone it down, or you will be shatter your ear drums!"  I frown at him  "And I think I need to check your ears and hearing, if you didn't see anything wrong with how high the volume was.  I could understand if you are listening to music, but you aren't!!"
       "Stop fussing, and they say I'm a girl!!"  he laughs at me  "There is nothing wrong with my ears or hearing!"

He turns his attention away from me and scowls at Caramel.

Waiting on you, trying to keep your head strong

     "Where the hell have you been Mom?"  he snaps  "You said you wouldn't be long, I'm sick of you doing this to me!!   I told you we are supposed to be taking Amber to the clinic, Slate is going mad, by the time we get there, we will have missed the appointment!!"
     "He is a big boy, now there was nothing stopping him going on his own, does Slate need you to constantly hold his hand?"  I laugh at Bay who is all stressed out
     "Funny leafy!  What are you doing here anyway?" he frowns at me  "You are not on the rota for a shift, or are you just hanging out?"
     "Hanging out as well as helping your Mother sort out your Dad's respite care.  She is struggling at the moment and you need to lay off her, she is under enough pressure without you throwing a gay tantrum at her!!"
     "Respite Care?"  he frowns
     "Yes, I can't cope, I need a break, and if you don't like it it's tuff!!"  she snaps at Bay defensively  "I'm tired, so I'm sending him to a hospice for a few weeks while I go away and take a break .... Forrest has said I can use his beach house."
     "Huh!!  Finally!!"  Bay laughs  "Well it's about time you listened to some sense ... now we might all get a break from the nutter, and you wander why I can't wait to leave this town!!"
     "Bayleaf!!  Stop calling him that!!"  she shouts at him  "Where is your Dad anyway?"
     "He's in bed asleep.  I have had to give him some sedative, so don't get giving him any more yet.  I've written it down on his chart ... have you seen my split lip, I'm lucky he didn't break my arm, although it is killing me!!!

Bay holds his arm out to show us.  I can see it is red, very badly swollen and the bruising is already coming out, he is having to hold his arm up with his other hand because he is obviously in a lot of pain.   When I examine his arm gently and move his fingers slowly, he cries out in pain to the point where he has tears in his eyes.

With nothing to lose you raise your voice with something to prove

      "Bay you need to get that arm x-rayed, from the look of it, I suspect it could well be fractured."
      "Great!!  That's all I need!!" he snaps  "The last thing I need right now is time off work, especially if it hasn't healed fully by the time I get to my new job in Cherry Hill!!  It is my throwing arm too, that is going to go down well isn't it, me joining the new team with a lingering injury!!"
      "How did that happen?"  Caramel starts to get upset, I presume it is the mention of Bay's planned move to Cherry Hill, because I know how much it is upsetting her.
      "He just switched, one minute we were talking normally, then he just went psycho, suddenly he said he didn't know who I was and he didn't like the sandwiches Mom made him. Suddenly he says he doesn't like ham or tomato, which is stupid when it's always been his favourite.  He accused me of trying to poison him, because I'm not his son apparently, he said his son is buried in the cemetery and I need to do one!!  I'm not his son, I'm just the gay one ... he has always hated me and we all know Cin has always been his favourite."  he grumbles as me and Caramel quickly glance at each other.  "I'm lucky he didn't cave my head in with the plate ..."  he points to quite a deep cut by his temple that I hadn't noticed  "... and I'm wearing the tomato!!"  he pulls on his top which is stained.  I know that must be really annoying him, because he is as finiky as I am over dirt and mess.
       "Bay, he doesn't hate you, and we have already warned you all, not to pay any attention to anything he says, when he's having a bad time."  I frown at him as I inspect the cut on his head.  "He doesn't know what he's saying half the time because of his condition!!  So don't even dwell on it or let it upset you."
       "I'm not, but he riles me sometimes, he forgets my name, forgets who I am, but he never forgets I'm gay!!"  he mumbles
        "You need a few stitches in that cut, it's pretty deep, so don't mess with it or you will get it infected.  Has he done anything else?"
        "Not to me, but he has smashed a few things in the kitchen and he's pulled the cupboard door right off its hinges trying to make himself another sandwich!!"  he pulls a pained expression as Caramel starts to cry  "I've never seen him this bad, his temper is getting worse, its like he's lost the plot completely!!  I had to use the syringe in the draw and jab him from behind while he wasn't looking, otherwise he probably would have caved my head in completely and smashed the house up."  he frowns at me  "I'm actually worrying about leaving Mom here alone with him."

and all the things you say to me, I can't forget them

     "She is not alone.  I've got the day off work so I will stay with your Mom to make sure she is safe.   I'll assess him when he wakes up."  I smile at Bay  "If he's getting this bad we might have to admit him into hospital and get him and his medication reassessed again, but I think at the moment it is probably just Sunny fading, if you remember he got like this after Cinnamon faded, I expect he will calm down again soon."  I smile at Bay  "You go and take Amber to the clinic and while you are at the hospital make sure you get that arm and cut looked at ... don't worry about your Mother!!"
      "Thanks Leafy, you are a gooden!!"  I just laugh at him as he hugs me, then kisses and hugs his Mom and runs out of the house.

Oh if only he knew the truth, he would hate me!!

As soon as Bay closes the door Mell falls into my arms and cracks up again, I'm expecting her to say something, about what Alpine had said to Bay, about him not being his Son, but she doesn't.

I just hold her while she cries, hating this whole situation that we have created and what she now has to go through.  However, I can't help but think that she is doing a lot of this to herself now, because she is so stubborn, when there really is no need for her to carry on suffering like this.

After a short cry I kiss her head and try to wipe the tears off her face.  She stares up at me for a moment before she starts to kiss me.  I know the kissing is going too far when it starts getting heated, her hands start wondering and she is slowly trying to undress me.

You don't leave, but you tell me with your eyes what you need

      "Mel stop!"  I pull away from her as I straighten my clothes up  "Aren't you forgetting something, the door is not locked, and who is on the rota for this afternoon?"
      "Turmeric is due at three, I'm at work at four remember, then Mint is due at six and is sitting with him until I've finished work"  she tuts

My blood runs cold when she mentions Turmeric.

      "Since when has T been doing a shift?"
      "Since Sunny faded"  she starts laughing  "Granite roped him in to cover Sunny's shifts."
      "Yeah I bet he did!!  He is an ass hole, I bet he has done that on purpose just to wind me up!!"  I snap
      "You know how it amuses Granite that you do go stupidly over the top when in comes to T.  So you lay yourself right open to his mischief!!"
      "I'm sorry Mel, but I don't want him in this house."
      "Oh please!! Don't get going all stupid on me!!"  she laughs at me  "I seriously don't know why you feel so threatened by that idiot!!"
      "Because you and T have got history, he is still besotted and he is like a dirty rat up a drainpipe given half the chance!!"
      "History!!"  she starts howling "Please!!  A stupid childish fumble when we were thirteen doesn't count and I have no intention of repeating it, look at the trouble it got me into last time!!   Besides I don't let any only dirty rat up my drainpipe!!"

She start laughing as she takes my hand pulling  me towards the couch.  She suddenly pushes me backwards, I lose my balance and I fall back on to it, she just laughs as she crawls over me.

Oh please, do you think that I don't know what it means

She starts kissing me.  I don't stop her this time, and we start to get a little carried away.

       "Talking about dirty rats, isn't it about time you crawled up my drainpipe."  she mumbles quietly against my neck which she is now kissing, this snaps my head back to reality.
       "Not now."  I mumble as I gently hold her away from me a little  "Later .... Shouldn't you be checking on Alpine before we start getting too carried away."  I smile at her
        "Are you going off me?"  she frowns at me
        "Don't be stupid, of course I'm not!!  THE DOOR is still unlocked and if I let you you'll have us naked on the sofa losing track of time, and the last person I want walking through that door catching us is T!!  Alpine needs checking on and I want to get this respite sorted out before you change your mind!!"  I laugh at her  "When all that is done, then I'll inspect your drainpipe!"  I smirk at her
         "You are no fun any more!!"  she tuts as she gets off the couch
         "I'm getting old babe and quickies are no fun!!"  she laughs at me as she heads towards Alpines room.  "While you are there, check how much sedative Bay has given him and what time, so I can work out how long he is likely to be out for.  Actually just bring his chart in so I can take a look at it."
         "Anything else?"  she laughs at me
         "Yeah a brew and butty would be nice, I need to build up my strength if you are planning on molesting me later."  she laughs at me  "Mel, where is Alpines medical card, birth certificate and ID papers, I need them for the hospice, coming from Sugar Valley we will have to prove he's a pure berry.  We also need to check your passport is still valid, otherwise we might have to delay all this until we can escape."
         "They should all be in the top draw over there, you'll have to sort out what you need."  She points towards the sideboard before she walks into Alpines room.

all the things you hide from me, I accept them

 I lock the front door and put the chain on, to stop anyone from just walking in, before I make my way over to the sideboard and open the top draw, which is untidily stuffed with paperwork.  Even though it irritates me, I laugh at her hoarding and untidy disorganisation as I start to pull a handful of papers out and flick through them, searching  for what I need.  When I've found all of Alpines papers, I search for her passport, but its not in the draw.

I stuff all the unnecessary paperwork back, close the draw and open the one below it.  I pull out quite a few more handfuls of papers and envelopes before I spot two passports.  I throw Alpines passport back into the draw and am about to put all the other paperwork back in when something catches my eye.  The colour red, which I hate, jumps out at me, so I look at the paper closely.

It's a red letter ... she hasn't been keeping up with the mortgage payments.  I glance through some of the other papers and it is not the only one - she has a lot of red letters in this draw.  It disturbs me when I see she has taken out loans, which she is not paying back regularly.  I glance at some of the unopened envelopes, and I think I know automatically what she has been doing.  She is a hoarder and she hoards her problems like she hoards everything else.  She can't face opening them so she is just throwing them into the draw without looking at them.

I glance at Alpines bedroom door, wandering what is taking her so long, before staring back at the unopened envelopes.  I open one out of curiosity, wandering just how bad it is, I know she won't tell me if I ask.  A letter from the bank, she is on the verge of losing the house.  I open another one, a balifs letter for none payment of loans, which she has ignored because she hasn't even seen it, not even bothering to open the mail.

but I need you next to me

I know that she has always struggled financially because she has only her small wage coming in, with Alpine being unable to work due to his brain damage.  On top of the maintenance payments, I've helped her financially over the years to pay bills and make the mortgage payments when she has really been struggling, and she was getting a little financial help off the kids when they started working, but lately, I haven't even given a thought to them now all being moved out, and she's back on just her wage ... why didn't she tell me it was getting this bad!!

I stuff all the paper work back into the draw, keeping a hold of the red letter from the bank and go over to sit down on the couch.  I open her passport to check the dates and am relieved that it is still valid, but only just.  I'm surprised because I've never known her leave Sugar Valley, and presumed she hadn't since she first came here from the boarding school in Strawberry Fields.  However, she has renewed her passport since and there is one stamp in it after Strawberry Fields - Rocky Falls.

After a few minutes Caramel walks back into the room with an armful of sheets, which she drops on the floor by the kitchen door.  She sits down on the couch next to me and I automatically put my arm around her.

       "Did you find what you needed?"
       "Yeah, your passport is still valid, thankfully, but it will need renewing in a few years"  I frown at her  "Babe why have you been out to Rocky Falls?"
       "That's where my parents moved to after they left Orange Falls."  she smiles at me
       "I don't remember you going to see your parents."
       "You probably wouldn't, it was when you threw that mega wobble after Bay was born and you did one for a while.  Me and Alpine were arguing, and you know how I felt, trapped, I knew I'd made a mistake coming here with him in the first place thinking I could run and hide away from my other problem, then I go and make things worse for myself, with you.  I just lost my head, you had done one and I needed my family."  she rolls her eyes
       "I'm sorry!!  I didn't really help at the time did I!!"

if I can't hold you now, keep thinking that you might not come around

       "No, not really, things could have been so much different now if you hadn't acted like such an idiot!!"  she pulls a face at me
       "Babe, that's not fair and you know it!!"  I frown at her  "Don't think I like being the way that I am, you know if I could change it I would in a heart beat."
       "I know, I'm sorry!"
       "So your trip to Rocky Falls didn't go well I take it as you don't have any contact with your parents, you don't even talk about them."
       "I was stupid to go out there trying to patch things up with my parents.  They were angry enough with what I did with T when I was thirteen, but the colour mixing just finished us off, they washed their hands of me.  My brothers felt the same.  I thought with Cinnamon being completely brown they might take an interest in him, but I should have known, they didn't want to know."
       "What's with the sheets?"  I frown at her "Didn't you changed his sheets this morning?"
       "Yes I did, but he has wet the bed again ... I'm getting sick of it, the mattress is ruined and needs replacing, his room stinks and I can't get rid of the smell!!  Its like having a small child in the house again!!"  she mumbles  "Why has he started wetting the bed suddenly?"
       "I'm not sure, medically there are several things that could be causing it.  I'll get bloods and a urine sample off him after and get them tested."  she pulls a face.
       "We have enough to deal with already, we don't need any more medical problems adding to them!!" 
       "Don't worry, I'll sort it, don't stress!!"  I smile at her  "Did you bring his chart?"
       "Oh yeah, its with the sheets."  she laughs as she jumps up off the coach, digs around in the sheets and hands his chart to me.  "What do you want on your sandwich?"
      "Ham, cheese, whatever, I'm not bothered." 

I watch her closely after I have seen her trying to stifle a yawn as she is picking up the sheets.  She looks tired as she makes here way into the kitchen where I can now hear her bumping and banging about quite loudly.

I have no words, I have no words to say

I stare down at his chart.  The chart was Mango's idea and is basically a record of what he is like each day.   Everyone who sits with him adds to the chart, which gives us a picture of his antics and mood, it gives us a clear picture of all his good days and bad days.  I notice lately he has had a lot more bad days than good, and everyone who has sat with him over the past four days has remarked on how frustrated and violent he is getting.  I'm amused by the last entry, Caramel has written in capitals "HE HAS BLOODY WET THE BED AGAIN - IM GOING TO CUT HIS SPOUT OFF!!"

I laugh while I check the sedative, working out that he should be out for another three or four hours yet, so it will give us plenty of time to talk in peace.  I get up and go in to check on Alpine before I wander into the kitchen.

I stand in the doorway for a while, just watching her, I'm amused that she is making salad and not sandwiches after she asked me what I wanted.   There is a pile of broken crockery swept up by the bin and I spot the cupboard door that Bay said Alpine had pulled off, propped up against the wall.

       "I'll try and fix that cupboard door later."
       "I think he's knackered it completely, I'm not sure it can be fixed."  she mumbles
       "Why don't you phone in sick, you are worn out.  I thinks you need a rest, and we seriously need to talk."  she frowns at me  "I'll put T and Mint off and I'll stay with you this afternoon and tonight, I'll cook you dinner later, so you can put your feet up, and if his Lordship moans about my cooking like he usually does, I'll order him a pizza, that always keeps him happy."  she smiles at me  "I really don't like the idea of you and especially not Mint being left alone with him if he is this agitated, especially after what he's done to Bays arm and head.  Him lashing out is getting worse and he has not had many good days lately has he?"
       "No he hasn't, if I have to be honest, he is starting to scare me a little, especially when he doesn't know who I am!"  she pulls a face
       "Mel, you seriously need to start listening, if not to me, to Mango.  It is time you stopped being a martyr and did something for yourself for a change!!  I am really starting to worry about your safety, don't think I haven't noticed all your new bruises!!   Alpine is hard for any man to handle when he blows, even Prelude and Mulberry struggle with him, you and the girls and anyone else who sits with him don't stand a chance."  she pulls a face at me  "I only cope with him because I'm armed with sedative and Crimson has taught me how to twist him up like the police do."
       "I know."  she mumbles quietly

if I can't change your mind, keep thinking is this our last goodbye

She puts a plate of salad down on the table in front of me before she fetches her own and sits down.

       "This is a funny butty!"  I laugh at her as I pick up my fork.
       "Yeah, I forgot I was supposed to pick up bread on the way back from the hospital, you distracted me."
       "So are you going to phone in sick?"  I frown at her 
       "You can stay over and cook me dinner with pleasure ..."  she smirks at me  "...but I can't afford time off, I still need to go to work, I'm struggling as it is ..."
        "Yeah so I've noticed!!"  I slap the red letter from the bank onto the table in front of her.  She stares down at it for a moment.
         "You've been snooping!!"  she snaps as she screws the letter into a ball and throws it at me.
         "No I wasn't snooping, your passport was not in the top draw, it was in the draw below it with that lot!!  I couldn't help but see it when the contents of that draw is mostly red and it jumped out at me."  I snap at her  "What have I told you about money and especially taking out loans!!  You have got yourself into a right mess haven't you!!  You don't have to struggle, you are just too stubborn to ask me for help."  I shake my head at her  "It's ridiculous us STILL living separately, we are just throwing money down the drain running two houses ... I think it's time we sat down and sorted all this shit out once and for all .... I'll cover the money you lose today, and pay off all these debts before you become bankrupt and homeless."
       "No!!  You have bailed me out enough over the years already don't you think!!"
       "It was my place to don't you think!!"
       "Yeah right I forget, you think you can throw money at your problems then that's your job done!!  Well your problems have grown up and moved out, or have you not noticed!!"  she snaps at me sarcastically  "Just but out Forrest, I don't want your money, this is not your problem any more!!"

you say it first, you say it first to me

       "Just shut up Mel!!  I'm sick of you keep saying that!!  It is still my problem if it affects you, and what exactly do you think you are going to do when the bank repossessed the house after the bailiffs have taken away everything inside it?  Live like a homeless tramp on the street with Alpine, because you are too stubborn to ask for help which you know I'll always give you.  You are always banging on about not wanting to burden the kids, but what do you think you'll be doing if one of them has to take you and Alpine in?!  And quite frankly, in reality looking after Alpine is not actually their responsibility is it, and I won't let it happen!!   I don't understand why you are too stubborn to let it go!!"
       "You are a fine one to talk about not letting it go  ..."
       "Yes maybe I am, but I am having to let it go and it's about time you did to!!  Its time we both sorted our damn lives out, we've both made a right mess of this, and especially you now, because what you are still doing to yourself is ridiculous Mel!!  What you are doing, in the long run is not going to do you, Alpine, me or the kids any good!!
       "Don't even start going on about coming clean again - I am not losing my kids or ruining their lives, because you have suddenly and finally had a change of heart!!"
       "I have never wanted this hidden forever and it's not suddenly!!  For berry's sake, I've been asking you to do this for years, since the day Mint became a teenager or have you conveniently forgotten that!!"  I snap
       "You know why I have to continue to do it this way.  There is no hospice in this town, if he is placed in one out in the coded world, the kids won't be able to see Alpine ever again, which will hurt both him and them!!  They can't even go out to Raspberry to visit him while he's in respite care."
       "No you don't have to do it this way, you just won't listen to any of the alternatives!!  So you are going to destroy yourself and suffer for the rest of your life, doing something that they won't even be grateful for in the end, because they don't even know about the sacrifices you are making ... Do you honestly think they would be happy if they knew what you are doing to yourself, especially when there are other options to make everyone's life easier, especially yours."

you're in the clear, while I'm waking up to nothing but tears

       "None that will work!!"
       "Mel this situation is very workable, your problem is you are just too stubborn and scared of change, so you won't even listen."  I snap at her  "Moving to Berry Shores where there is a very good hospice for him is your best option.  The hospice is in a colour mix town where the kids can visit him, all it takes is a plane ride, which is better than them not being able to see him at all.  I've always said I'll move with you, so you don't even have to worry about all the hassle of the move, and before you even start banging on about money, we have two houses and my beach house to sell, so money is not an issue!!  Tapestry spends a lot of time in Berry Shores, Atlas and Saffron will be moving there after the trial, Crimson and Maize are also talking about making the move, so there will be people out there that you know.   Mint and Fudge might even move with you as well, if you explain to them that Berry Shores will give them and their kids much better opportunities and a much better life than this dump ever will, which is exactly why Bay and Slate are taking Amber to Cherry Hill.   Moving to Berry Shores would make your life so much easier, but you won't even consider it ... berry knows why!!"
      "Why didn't you mention Cherry Hill?"  she frowns at me  "At least we could be close to Bay."
      "I didn't mention Cherry because I didn't think you would want me living in the same town as Granite, which I don't really want to be doing myself, and don't forget the Rock clan will be crawling all over Cherry with Granite, Turmeric and Slate living there ... I thought you wanted to keep your distance from them."
      "I do."  she mumbles  "It's not fair asking them to jump on a plane every time they want to see me or Alpine, not only is it too expensive, Berry Shores is too far away.  I'd never get to see them."
      "Like I wouldn't pay for their plane tickets, because I think you know I would ..."  I snap sarcastically  "... and you can't say that when Bay is moving to Cherry Hill, he is putting himself into exactly that situation, because its what kids do.  They move out and get on with their life, their parents become a fleeting thought, look at me, my parents lived in Raspberry and they were lucky if they saw me once a month.  I was close to my parents in the end, after I sorted out all the crap that we created, but I didn't have to live in their pockets to keep it that way.  Phone and internet - there are plenty of ways to stay close, without living in the same town."

and you stay the same, like I'm the only one that needed to change

       "I can't do it - it's just too far!!"
        "Okay, you have it your way!!"  I frown at her  "So we will just sit back shall we, and do nothing, we will let this situation play out, and when you don't have a pot to piss in or a roof over your head, and you are too worn down and beat up to even stand, then I guess you have no choice but to go with plan B ... You and Alpine will have no choice but to move in with me, then maybe you might let me look after you!!"
        "We can't do that!!"
        "Give me one good reason why not?  There is only you now stopping things from changing ... but I think we both know the real reason why you keep putting up the barriers here!!  You are scared if you change things, it won't take long before everyone starts to suss us and everything is going to come out and you can't face what is coming to us.   Like you can't face the debts that are piling up - so you just sit on them, both the debts and this situation, hoping it will all go away - but it won't go away and the longer you leave it, the harder you are making it for yourself!!  I'm scared too, I am not looking forward to their reaction, but I think they will be too busy hating me to give you to much of a hard time, but I think I'd rather they hate me than you kill yourself in the process.  I told you at the start, we should come clean about us at least, which would have made what we are hiding easier for them to take!!"
        "You know damn well the kids were way too young, they never would have understood what was going on!!  Not hiding us would have made it harder to hide the rest, and it would have only upset them, especially when you was acting like such a jerk!!"  she snaps  "At least this way they got to know and like you as a friend, whereas the other way they would have hated you watching you acting like a pathetic jerk, which would have totally messed there heads up!!
       "Stop keep throwing that in my face, I have a damn good reason for acting like a jerk and you know it!!"
       "Yeah so you say!!"  she snaps sarcastically
       "Sod off ... like you are innocent in all this ... Not!!"

you know the things you said to me, do you regret them?

        "Mel they are going to understand even less now because we have left it way too long!!  Us telling them is going to be a lot better than them finding out another way, which is very possible now Granite and Mace know the truth and Bay will be living with them remember!!  Besides I think you know, we are running out of time very fast!!  You know I am expecting Gravel to spitefully blurt it out during the trial and expose us publically, do you really want to run the risk of them finding out that way?!   And we have already played Russian roulette one too many times, we can't let it happen again, you are just being damn selfish ... we were never going to get away with this forever, how my ears have not surfaced yet is beyond me, and they are going to hate us even more if they have to find out the hard way!!  We have no choice but to come clean!!  Alpine thinks exactly the same as I do, and if you are not careful we might just out vote you and do it whether you want us to or not!!"  I snap at her  "Which is going to be harder for me to do because he is now not even mentally stable enough to back us up half the time, which isn't going to help us, but hopefully eventually everyone will understand!!  You could have made their lives so much easier ... and mine, if you had done it when I asked!!"
        "That seriously is not fair!!  You have always been quite happy with this situation, after you stopped running and turning your back on your responsibilities!!"  she snaps at me  "You was selfish and too busy clinging onto Granite, to care about anything else!!  Shutting everything out thinking he was going to come back and fall straight back into your arms like the pathetic idiot you are!!!   This situation was created because of you and has always suited you, hiding us and your gay and dirty secrets, because don't think I'm stupid, I know if he had come back here without Mace, still in love with you, you would have left me without a second thought!!  Imagine if we had come clean from the start, it would have wrecked mine and the kids lives even more then - you know this is why we have done it this way!!"

I just need you next to me

       "Well that didn't happen did it besides they are grown ups now and it wouldn't have made a scrap of difference to them now, and you seriously need to stop throwing Granite at me too, because NO he is not the reason why we did this at all and you damn well know it!!"  I snap at her because she is really starting to make me angry.  "It upsets me that you think I've been happy or enjoyed this situation because I haven't!!  Yes okay I admit this situation was my fault, but it is not like I don't have a damn good reason, and it takes two and you knew exactly how I felt about children, but still you went and let it happen!!  I warned you how I would react, so you only have yourself to blame!!"  I snap at her  "You put us into this situation and are going on, like this situation hasn't suited you either, because it must have, you are obviously still happy to continue wallowing in it!!  If you had sorted your act out all those years ago when I asked, I could have sorted my head out a lot sooner, it's your fault that I've continued clinging onto that idiot  ... is it any wander I lost my head when he came back and I acted like an irrational crazy idiot!!"
       "You said it!!"  she laughs sarcastically

I hold my hands up

      "Mel we need to stop this, before we start tearing shreds off each other!!  Arguing about the past is not going to fix the future is it!!  Not that we will have a future if we can't fix right now!!"
       "Don't say that!!"
       "I'm just trying to face facts, something that you are not willing to do!!  If you want to lose every single one of your kids, as well as me, then you carry on!!  You can't hoard all these problems away like you hoard everything else!!  If I've learned one thing from the whole Gravel situation, hiding things never works, in the end it will come out and the longer it takes the harder it bites you!!  Yes I know I've been very wrong in the past, but we need to put this right now Mel, so we can at least salvage something out of the wreckage!!!"  she just stares at me  "I thought we were in this together!!"
        "We are!"
        "Well then!!  Do you think it is easy for me to sit here watching you needlessly struggling, financially, physically and mentally, when I can do something to change it but you are too stubborn to let me.  What would you rather I do just walk away and leave you too it, because that is how it feels sometimes?  Me still being here does complicate things for you doesn't it ... you and the kids would be better without me in your lives .... It can be arranged permanently if that is what you really want!!"  I snap at her

If I can't hold you now, keep thinking that you might not come around

       "Don't say that!!  Of course that isn't what I want!!"
       "Well try making me believe that then!!"  I snap at her  "I'm sick of wasting my life bending for you and Granite, waiting for something I can never have ... You think I would have learned my lesson from him wouldn't you, but I haven't, I must be stark raving mad to even still be here, putting myself into this same situation again with you ... I'm having it put on my headstone - "Forrest Leaf, the idiot who spent his whole life waiting for NOTHING!!"
       "Don't be stupid!!"  she laughs at me
        "You say you love me, but you won't do anything to change this situation, and I don't think you ever intend to!!  I want them told because I'm sick of living like this!!"   I snap at her  "It is not like I've ever asked you to dump Alpine completely, I have said I would look after him with you, I owe him that much for what he's done for me, there has always been three of us in this, and I'm happy for it to stay that way!!  I understand exactly why you feel you have to stay and look after him, because you and the kids are all he has and you don't want them burdened with him.  So I stay like an idiot and put my life on hold for you and the kids, taking any scrap of you I can get, while you remain stubborn and run yourself into the ground needlessly, just picking me up and tossing me aside when it suits you!!  I even had to give up fighting to get Granite back for you and the kids, even though I know I can easily get him back when Mace gets locked up!!  But I don't want him and that life back, I want you and the life we should have had!!  I've sorted my part out, now it's time you did the same!!"  I snap at her  "This has always been very one sided Mel and I'm sick of you shutting me out, dropping me and picking me back up when it suits you, and you wander why I had to find comfort in someone elses arms!!"  I snap at her "Pretty ironic don't you think, the one person who says she loves me and can give me a normal life, I don't love or even want, while I'm sat here like a lonely twat again ...  Isn't that just the story of my life!!"

if I can't change your mind, keep thinking is this our last goodbye
        "Don't you even mention or threaten me with her!!" she snaps at me nastily
        "I'm not threatening you with her!!  It's over and done with, even if I walk away from both you and Granite, she is the last place I'll be going!!"  I hold my hands up  "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned her!!" 
        "Then why did you?"
        "I don't know ... I guess I'm trying to make you understand what you are doing to me.  Mel I'm sick of being lonely and living a dysfunctional life, since I've been a child it's all I've ever had!!  I've already wasted too many years on you, how many more do I have to waste, just to find out at the end of the day you will probably just throw it all back in my face anyway,  just like he has!!"
        "I won't, you know I love you and always have!!"
         "Yeah, that's exactly what he said!!  Mel I seriously can't do this any more."  I snap  "If you can't meet me at least half way then I need to end this, disappear completely, and try to forget you like I'm trying to forget him."
        "You can't do that ... what about the kids?!"
        "What about them?  You obviously never want them to know the truth!!  You are the one stopping them from knowing, so don't get using them as a weapon or throwing them at me now!!  What they don't know will never hurt them and they have managed so far without me, they can't miss what they have never had!!"  I snap at her  "You carry on doing what makes you happy, while ever day it is crucifying me, which is obviously the way you want to keep it!!  I'm sorry, but I can't be here any more living this way and just watching them!!  I need to get out of this town and sort my life out once and for all.  You clean your own damn mess up when it all blows up in your face, which it will, because you obviously don't want or need me!!"

I get up off my chair and go to walk off.

you say it first, you say it first to me

She grabs me as I walk past her, trying to stop me walking out.

     "Forrest don't!!  Please ... I'm sorry!!"  she starts to choke  "Don't leave me, you are the only thing that keeps me sane!!!"
      "What about my sanity Mel?  You are playing with a head that already has physiological issues, and everyone wanders why I am not free of them yet - you and Granite have never done anything other than prolong my agony!! "  I pull a face at her  "I don't think you understand what this does to me every single day and has for the whole of their lives!!"  I snap at her  "You know I've been begging you to change this since Mint became a teenager, but you won't budge!!  For six years now we have only been doing this, not for their sake, but only for yours, and while you are happily getting what you want, I am the one who is suffering ... out of all of us, since the day Bay was born, I am the only one who has ever suffered here and I seriously don't have the strength to do it any more!!  I honestly think if we had sorted this out years ago, I would be a different person now mentally, and this ... what you are continuing to do, is not helping to fix my problems, it's making them worse!!  My OCD has already flared up pretty badly, and if I have to walk into that court room with the kids still not knowing the truth, scared of what Gravel might say and how badly the kids are going to get hurt by him, I'll probably have a breakdown!!"  I frown at her  "Can't you see that what you are continuing to do, is giving Gravel the opportunity to destroy the kids, which will just wreck everything that we have fought for and done to protect them for the whole of their lives!!  What we have done will become pointless!!"  she just stares at me  "Do you seriously want to hurt them even more than they are already going to be?!"

so I can just forget you ...

      "I'm sorry!!  Okay we will sort it out ... we will tell them!!  I know this isn't fair on you any more, and I can't carry on like this, and the last thing I want is them getting even more hurt by that berry hole!!"
      "Finally!!"  I mumble as I stare at her, and she just smiles at me.  "You can phone work and tell them you are sick, in fact just tell them to stick their job, you don't need it any more!!"
      "Are you being serious?!"
      "Yes!!  I don't think it is safe for you to be left alone with Alpine, because of the volatile mood he is in right now.   So I'm going to move in here until we sort out where the three of us will be living together permanently, and you don't need to work anyway because I earn enough for all of us."  I raise my eyebrows at her expecting her to start protesting like she normally does, but she doesn't.
      "So when are we telling them?"
      "When we come back from Sandy Shores."
      "Okay."  she mumbles
      "I am taking control of this situation from now on, so if you don't like it speak now, because I meant what I said, I seriously can't do it any more ... this time we are coming clean and telling the kids the truth, and I'm not going to let you change your mind or back peddle later like you normally do, because if you do I will be walking straight out of that door and never coming back!!"  I frown at her  "And I'm warning you in advance - if I do walk - they will still know the truth before the trial starts, because I WILL tell them with or without you blessing, and I know Alpine will back me up!!  I am not sitting there and watching that man wreck their lives in an instant, when we can sit down and explain everything to them properly - something we should have done at least six years ago!!"
 ... just forget you
      "Okay ... I won't be changing my mind this time!!"
      "I hope not because this seriously is your last chance as far as me and you go!!" I mumble  "I'll phone Mint and T and put them off, while you are phoning work.  Then we are going to sit down and sort this shit out!!  I want this at least worked out in theory before we go to Sandy Shores, because I'm not arguing with you over it any more!!  We do it or I am gone!!"


Song = Words - Birdy


No comments:

Post a Comment