Underneath .............
I lie staring at Caramel, wandering if I am dreaming this.
Possibly ... she might consider having a termination! Well that is new!! Normally she won't even consider it for a second, no matter what the reason. I suggest it and she kicks off and carries on with the pregnancy regardless ... that is the way it has always been.
"You would seriously consider having a termination?" I ask again, shocked that she might even consider it after all the arguments we have had over the years about this subject.
"It's not like I planned this pregnancy or even wanted it ... I've done my bit, and now the kids have grown up and I've got my life and freedom back, and finally we have a future without HIM interfering ... more babies is the last thing I want or need, especially at my age, with you being no help to me." she rubs her stomach again
"So you are going to do it?" I smile at her
"After saying all that ... I still don't know if I can!!" she pulls a face at me as my heart sinks, I knew this was going to be too good to be true!! "My problem is, now that it has been created, I can't bear the thought of destroying its life and not giving it a chance to live ... I don't know if I would sleep at night ..." she pouts
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"Please don't start that again!!"
"I'm sorry, but you really don't know the hell that I go through, I am sick and tired of living a dysfunctional life, and I don't know if I have the strength to spend the rest of my life doing it!! I'm lonely Mel and I need a normal life ... before all this just drives me insane!!" a pained expression washes over both of our faces "There is no way that you could have a baby in the same house with Alpine now, it will never be safe, and I dread to think what this is going to do to his head when he finds out you are having another baby when he is still grieving Cinnamon!!" I tut at her "If I stay, we would have to continue with our dysfunctional life, living separately, because it is just going to kick off my phobia again and I couldn't live in the same house as the child, and Alpine will have to be moved out. If you plan to go ahead and have that baby, you may as well move to Berry Shores now and put him into permanent hospice care, which is way before his time, and that really isn't fair on him!!" she pulls a face at me "It's not like he could live with me either, without me getting live in help, for the same reason as I could never take a turn looking after Dad. I get called into work on a minutes notice to an emergency and I'm stuffed ... I can't run out and leave him alone, and I don't have time to organise and wait for a sitter, I do and the patient is faded!!" I pull a face "Most importantly, it is not safe for you, the risks are greatly increased for you having a baby at your age, and it definitely is not fair on the child! Me being in it's life, is only going to screw it's head up and it's not like we can protect it like we did the others!! We will not be able to hide me away from the child this time, with the other three and everyone else knowing the truth .... there are just too many things that make having this baby wrong, and it's not just my phobia!! What are the other three going to think, they are going to have to watch me performing and treating you badly!! Which is probably going to wreck everything, especially my chances of Bay, Fudge and Mint not hating me, or them ever accepting me for who I am while they watch me acting like an irrational moron for the next thirteen years!! Mel please, get rid of it, for all our sakes!!"
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"It is not as easy for me to say as you think, I'm a doctor remember, I am programmed to save lives not destroy them!" I tut at her "In my eyes that foetus is still developing, it is not yet a fully formed or functioning, living human being that can survive outside the womb. I won't even class it as being a living human being or baby until the pregnancy is 20 weeks in, and women have terminations every day up until the 24 week mark, for far lesser reasons than ours!!" I raise my eyebrows at her "I might have selfishly pushed for a termination in the past because of my phobia and from the shear panic of knowing what lies a head of me, but this time it's different!! Now I have three grown up kids in front of me, don't think I don't feel it!! Don't think I don't imagine and know that we have created another little Bay, Fudge or Mint who is developing in there ... who in thirteen years time I will be comfortable with and love like the others. It is far from easy for me to say destroy it and if only we lived in a perfect world and my phobia had been cured and I could do it right this time and be a proper Dad to that child, I would be over the moon about this pregnancy, but even still I would have my reservations about you going through with it, because of your age!! There is a greater risk of pregnancy related complications and health problems for both you and the baby, which worry me!!"
"What sort of problems?" she frowns at me
"Your body is not as young as it used to be and there is a much higher risk to your health, because of the strain of pregnancy, which could causes all sorts of complications for you and the baby ... Raised blood pressure usually being the first thing. There is a higher risk of still birth and miscarriage, which you have already experienced when you were young and health, so the chances of that happening again are even more increased for you. That pregnancy is going to have to be monitored very closely, like Mint's was, and even more so because of your age and past history. With you being so close to the menopause, there is also a higher risk of you conceiving twins or triplets, which in itself can cause many complications, especially at your time of life, two babies just adds to the strain, that your body might not be up to now, like it was when it was younger."
I cut my eyes at her and she just stares silently back at me blankly. I have given her an opening to tell me, but still she does not tell me that she is carrying two babies and not one.
"The baby having congenital abnormalities, or genetic disorders like down syndrome, are higher, there is more risk of pre-eclampsia which could fade both you and the baby as well as a higher risk of problems during delivery ... it is more than likely, especially if there is more than one baby, that you will end up having a caesarean ...."
"But none of that might happen to me!" she jumps in and cuts me off
"Yes if you are lucky, but still there is a much higher risk that it could!! Do you really want to take that risk with your life or mental health of finding out, when that pregnancy was not planned, wanted or needed?" I frown at her. "What worries me most is you having another miscarriage, for you the odds are very high and remember you had a few scares with Mint, that pregnancy was far from plain sailing!!" she pulls a pained expression "What about if it has to be delivered early because of your health or you miscarry late on and we have to watch a premature baby fighting for it's life ... there are just too many things that could go wrong that will mess your head up just like losing the last one did!! Forget my phobia, just because of your age alone, I am scared of what it might do to you, and it doesn't just end there if the baby arrives safely does is!!" she frowns at me "What if there is more than one or there is something wrong or abnormal with the baby - with my phobia you are going to be left for the next thirteen years totally on your own to deal with it, and this time you won't have Alpine to help you. Do you really want to be nearly sixty before you get your life and a normal me back again ... when now is the age when you should be looking forward to our Grandchildren ... not more children of our own!!"
"And as usual you are over thinking, when I will probably just sail through this pregnancy without a single problem."
"Okay so I over think!! I think about everything that could go wrong, because I am a doctor, and what I am telling you about the risk of you miscarrying, Granite, Mango, any other doctor after reading through your pregnancy history will tell you exactly the same ..."
She just lies there staring at me saying nothing. I've dropped in a few times about multiple babies and still she has not told me, I can only think that she is too scared to tell me.
"So, come on ... explain this ... pedophobia to me, what causes it?"
"You are trying to change the subject away from the termination." I laugh at her sarcastically
"No, I need to know all the facts if I have to make that decision!!" she smirks at me, which makes me laugh for a moment, knowing exactly what her game is.
"People who have pedophobia, usually have an underlying cause for it connected with their own childhood ... A bad childhood, abuse, neglect, being bullied, a traumatic event - stuff like that. Being around children brings back bad memories, feelings or flashbacks which triggers the disorder." I smile at her "My phobia is not very common, but it is no different to any other phobia, spiders, clowns, needles blood. Mace has a blood phobia because of horrible stuff his Father made him watch when he was a child, he made Mace watch him slit someone's throat when he was about 6, he watched the man bleed out and fade - so Mace only has to see blood now and he freaks, because he gets flashbacks of that, just like I freak over children."
"So what is the cause of yours?" she frowns at me "What was so bad about your childhood that has affected you to have this phobia?"
"That is just the thing - I didn't have a bad childhood, quite the opposite!! All the memories of my childhood are happy ones. To me that was the happiest time of my life and everything since has not come anywhere near close. My problem seem to stem from happy memories, and my psychiatrist thinks its losing that happiness and ... Granite."
"Oh I might have known, HE would be in there somewhere!!" she rolls her eyes
"I'm unusual apparently, because I remember virtually all of my early childhood, from when I was a toddler and child. My toddler years are very vivid in my memory where most people don't remember anything, or only have flashes of a few things, and those are generally the root of the problem. However, I remember everything, my head is stuffed full of happy memories of being a toddler and child, all with Granite, while my teenage years are very sketchy and pretty none existent now in my head." I roll my eyes "He actually thinks, because that was the only happy time in my life, I am using that as a bench mark for the rest of my life, I'm holding onto it, along with the very strong emotional bond that we had ... Granite is what has triggered the disorder ... losing him and those happy times that we had together."
"I think you have seen that the emotional attachment that we had, was crazy, it was like an obsession and it consumed the both of us, even though we can now admit that we have both been very unhappy since we crossed the line and changed our relationship from just being best mates. It was strong enough to keep us together even with our sexual differences, and to have us desperately holding onto each other during those twenty years when we were apart. Because of my obsessive and compulsive disorder, I think it had a hold of me more than him, you've seen how totally irrational I have been over Granite."
"Why did you two get so obsessed with each other in the first place - yes it is crazy, and really not normal." she laughs at me
"For Granite I think - when he was a toddler, emotionally I was a substitute for his Mother who wasn't in his life for the first two years. I used to Mother him, hug and kiss him a lot apparently, and he clung onto me because that is what he needed, and we became very close and dependent on each other emotionally. Granite does not give out his affection too others very often, but when he does, he becomes very needy and clingy. Me and his Mother, he used to cling to for dear life, and now Mace is getting it. He had a lot of problems when he was very young, because he was born premature, with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, basically he was born with an addiction to alcohol because his Mother was an alcoholic and drinking excessively during the pregnancy." she stares at me wide eyed "Mentally and emotionally he had a lot to deal with and he attached himself to me, and became dependant on me, he was a lot slower developing than I was, so I did a lot of things for him in the beginning and it just basically carried on in the same way as we grew up. I think my OCD played a big part in it on my side ... I controlled him, spoke for him, made all his choices and decisions for him, I did everything for him - he couldn't function without me and I was exactly the same way, but for me it was different, I felt very lost when he wasn't with me, like a part of me was missing. He never really learned to think or speak for himself or look after himself because I used to do it all for him. The problems started when we became teenagers and I fell in love with him stupidly, even though I knew I was straight. Looking back now we can both see what we were doing was very wrong ... I controlled our relationship into something it shouldn't have been, even trying to play gay just to keep a hold of him, too scared I would lose him, and he just went along with it, thinking that he loved me and he would lose me if he didn't. Because of our emotional attachment losing each other has always been our biggest fear." I roll my eyes at her "When we were teenagers, now looking back, I can see we both mentally went off the rails, and when we did lose each other, while it screwed me up totally, it was the making of him, because he learnt to be himself and not the person I manipulated him into being."
"So why would all that give you the disorder?"
"I lost my happiness and our happy childhood when we became teenagers. Our life from there was all wrong and it got to me and screwed my head up. We both silently struggled, but we carried on because our love and emotional attachment held us together. We both became a person that we were not meant to be. I was trying to play gay unsuccessfully, which messed my head up, and I became cold, controlling, and sneaked around behind his back sleeping with women. He started to hate the way I controlled him and our life, he coped by letting his addiction take him over, alcohol, drugs which took him into a life of crime. He went totally off the rails and was always too off his head to see what I was doing or to even care that together we didn't have a sex life. We were both fooling ourselves into thinking we loved each other and that was enough. " I laugh quietly "And while he says now he has never loved me, I know I did love him. I loved him obsessively so he totally broke me when he left. You know that initial strong feeling of grief that hits you hard when someone fades that you love ...like how you would have felt when Cinn first faded ..." she nods "That's exactly how I felt when he was in prison and refused any contact with me, him not being there felt like he had faded and that feeling never really went away. He had been a part of my life from my very first memory and for him to not be there was a traumatic wrench and shock to my system, I felt totally lost. Every time I thought about him I'd get that hard hit, the pain in my chest, the grief, even years later, I never got over it ... until he came back!!" I smile at her "I have desperately craved for him and those happy times, almost like an addict would crave drugs or alcohol ... seeing small children gives me flashbacks of those happy memories and him, knowing they are gone gives me a terrible sense of loss, I feel that grief which triggers the disorder. " I look at her sheepishly " I have basically driven myself crazy loving him and Slate kind of proved that."
"Slate?"
"You remember, I helped to look after him for virtually the first five years of his life."
I cringe, because I think I know by the sudden angry expression on her face, maybe I should have swerved this subject.
"Yes I bloody well do, the arguments we had because you was looking after Gravels son when you couldn't look after your own!!" she snaps at me "And we both know why don't we!!" I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.
"Seriously Mel, don't even go there!! I know exactly what you are about to say, so just don't!!"
"Why not, I have touched a nerve haven't I!!"
"No actually you haven't!! I am not the only one here who has made stupid mistakes in the past, and been somewhere I shouldn't have been!! Only Gran and Gravel have a right to be angry about it not you!! I can understand you being narked over Wisty, but Amber was before you even landed in town. so why should it even bother you, or why even bring that up again?!"
"I think you know why!!"
"And like I have told you a million times before ... you are very wrong!!" I snap at her "None of this or me paying an interest in Slate had anything to do with Amber, or the thing we had, and you need to forget it because the very last person I want ever finding out that I had a fling with his Mother before he was born is Slate ... I have already hurt him enough don't you think to protect my own children!! If Granite can now laugh about what me and Amber were doing every time his and Gravels backs were turned, then so should you!! I am not here to have a twenty year old argument with you all over again!!" I snap angrily "I am trying to open up and explain my mental disorder to you, which is very hard for me to do, even just talking about it is making me anxious, and the last thing I need is you going off on one and raking up old pathetic shit, which you have always been wrong about!!" I snap "So if you don't want me to clam up and shut myself off again, you best had just SHUT UP because I am sick of you throwing her at me!!"
"Maybe I should start throwing T at you, then you might just understand!!"
"I'm sorry!" she mumbles as she slouches back on the pillow sulkily
"I hated the situation that Gravel was putting me in, that is why I brought Slate to you and left him with you so much, because I couldn't cope with it, you saw the state I was getting myself into, I was permanently wrecked, puking, passing out and crying. Without you, my parents and Meadow doing most of it for me, I think I would have had a total breakdown."
"So why put yourself through it in the first place, it's not like he forced you!! Why didn't you just walk away and leave Gravel to sort out his own shit!!"
"Everyone forgets, he is my adopted brother, and has been since he was eight years old. I couldn't just walk away from him!! His wife had just faded, he genuinely did love her, he worshipped the ground she walked on - Amber fading was a total shock to all of us, but it nearly destroyed him, her fading is what warped him completely into an evil Berry Hole, and at the time he needed me."
"Yeah like your Son needed you!" she snaps
"Bay had you and Alpine, I didn't have to worry about him, but I did worry about Slate!! He was just a defenceless little baby, and I might have a mental problem being around children, but I'm not cold or heartless, I wouldn't be a doctor otherwise, I would never have hurt him or let him be hurt. As much as it totally screwed me up being around him, I was totally torn because I couldn't just leave him there crying and being neglected like Gravel was. At first Gravel blamed Slate for Amber fading, he couldn't even look at him, and I was very scared that Gravel might hurt Slate in some way, fade him even. As you know, he is very capable and I even knew it back then how evil and twisted he is ... he tried to fade Granite pushing him out of a tree when we were kids, which broke both Gran's legs and arm, as well as my legs because he landed on me. He suffocated and faded Granites dog just for stealing his sweets when he was a child ... and those are just two examples of many things I've seen him do!" her eyes widen "Look at what he did to Granite to steal and keep him away from his own baby ... so you can imagine, with Gravel blaming Slate for Amber fading, then I find out he is not actually Gravel's son but Granite's, I was very very scared for Slates life!!"
"Yeah, I can imagine with that Berry Hole!" she pulls a face
"If anything I put myself through hell for Granite, I felt like it my responsibility to protect his son, because he wasn't here to do it himself, even if it was slowly destroying me!! I highly doubted that Slate would have survived without me watching over him!! As it was, Slate would never have been fed washed or changed if I didn't make sure that Meadow, my parents or you were doing it, he totally turned his back and neglected the boy. If you had faded or dumped Bay on me and done one, I would have done the same for him, because I had no choice - but it would have made me mentally and physically ill in the process, just like Slate did at first. How I never had a nervous breakdown during that first year beats me, I verged on crazy as you probably remember!!" I smile at her
"You could have told me about all this, and your phobia then, I could have helped you."
"You did help me, more than you know ... but seriously, what would you have done, taken Slate in full time on top of Cin and Bay with all the arguments and problems we were having at the time. I know how you have always hated Gravel, and I doubt very much Alpine would have stood for it, he struggled enough with taking on Bay at first, Slate too would have just tilted him!!" I laugh "Slate being visibly mixed made it impossible for me to take him out to Raspberry and leave him with my parents or Meadow ... but they came and did what they could. However, if you remember it all blew up, because while me and Meadow weren't telling Mom and Dad about Bay being mine, Gravel opened his big mouth and caused holy hell, which you got dragged into."
"Yeah I remember." she mumbles as she rolls her eyes at me "But what changed, because when Slate became older, you stopped bringing him to me ... you was taking care of him then, but still you didn't bother with Bay!!"
"When Slate became a toddler, I surprised myself because something changed mentally, in my head."
"I started to become interested in him, and being around him stopped upsetting me, I think it was partly knowing he was a part of Granite, and the only thing I had left of him. I used to sit and watch him and he made me feel happy, he was so like Granite in my eyes, facially, his mannerisms and everything he did ... to me suddenly he was Granite!! I think my head went off for a while, he was the toddler in my memories, I didn't see Slate - I saw that toddler from my past, and he gave me that time back that I was craving. I even went as far as bringing Slate out here, to this place because here I have a lot of memories of me and Granite. My parents and Shale brought us to this beach house together every year from when we were babies. With Slate, I played in the sea and built sandcastles where me and Granite used to play together ... I guess I was just reliving the memories of Granite through Slate, and it made me happy, happiness being one of my biggest hang ups, because happiness is something I have not had since I was a child. That is why Slate is the only child I have ever been able to be around comfortably." I smile at her "Now maybe you can see what my obsession was with Slate, not the reason you think, it had nothing to do with Amber or what we were doing behind Gran and Gravels back!!"
"Okay I'm sorry, I won't mention it again!!" she looks at me sheepishly "That is some deep shit!!"
"Yeah I know!!" I roll my eyes "When I actually realised what I was doing with Slate, I tried to get myself sectioned, I thought I had lost the plot completely!!" I laugh "My psychiatrist thought it was a step towards me working through my problems to cure my dissorder, and I really hoped that Slate would help to cure me, but it didn't and I hated myself even more, because while I could tolerate Slate, every time Bay or any other child was around me I still freaked out."
"Yeah I remember, I'd never seen anything like it before!"
"I don't enjoy being this way you know!"
"At the time, I wasn't helping myself, I was tearing myself apart with it. After I found out Bay was mine and I left town, I should have stayed away and not come back until he was a teenager, then I wouldn't have put myself through the agony, and you wouldn't have put me through the hell of three more pregnancies!!" I laugh sarcastically "Now you go and spring a fourth pregnancy on me when I thought all that was behind us!!"
"I honestly didn't plan this one!!" she mumbles quietly "You can blame me for the others, especially Mints, but not this one!!"
I stare at her for a moment, wandering wether I should tell her everything, thinking maybe I should get everything out into the open while I have got the chance. This is really hard for me and I know I will shut myself off again once we have moved away from this subject.
"I'll tell you something else, that only Alpine, my Parents and Sister know, just so you understand exactly how bad it got for me, and how badly Bays arrival messed up my head." I look at her sheepishly "When I did one and left town, I went to my sisters, and it is only thanks to Meadow that I am still here. She stopped me from doing something really stupid ... I tried Slates miserable life cure ... booze and pills!!" her eyes widen "Luckily she found me in time, and I wasn't too far gone."
"Alpine knows ... you tried to top yourself?" she frowns at me "Why wasn't I told ... how did he know and not me?"
"Meadow obviously, when I was in the hospital, she called him over to Raspberry. Alpine and Meadow managed to talk some sense into me eventually, and I didn't do it again, even though there were times when I wanted to."
"Why didn't you tell me ... why didn't Meadow call me."
"She blamed you for messing me up, why do you think she hates you so much ... not even Granite has driven me anywhere near close to me wanting to take my own life, but you and the baby did." I laugh sarcastically "My head was so far gone, and nobody could understand why, not even me, because I hadn't been diagnosed then. I didn't want you to know at the time, because I didn't want you there, because it would have meant I would have had to deal with the situation, which mentally I couldn't do at the time, and I was trying desperately to hide his existence from my parents. It was the baby that had caused me to panic and run, I guess I was scared you would bring Bay and try to force him on me. I couldn't deal with him, myself or you at the time, because to me you had caused the problem by having the baby that I was terrified of .... "
"Like you didn't play any part in his existance!!" she laughs at me sarcastically
"I do know that now, you wally!!" I laugh at her "It takes two and Bay being here was just as much my fault - but at the time I wasn't thinking that, my head wasn't thinking rationally because of my phobia."
"So why have you or Alpine never told me about this since?"
"I am ashamed of it, it really embarrasses me now, knowing what I tried to do to myself!! It is one thing that I never want the kids to find out, especially Bay, so it is just something that me and Alpine have kept to ourselves. What was the point of upsetting you any more than I already had. I already had Apline and Meadow watching my like a hawk to make sure I didn't try to do it again, I didn't want you on my back too!!"
"Then why did you come back, after you'd been through all that, knowing you had the phobia?"
"I ... I started to really miss you, more than I imagined I ever would. All the time that Gran has been away, you have been the only thing keeping me sane and even way back then, I felt really lost without you." I mumble quietly
"And still he can't admit that he loves me." she laughs sarcastically, I just ignore her, this is really not the time to get drawn into that conversation again.
"Meadow was going ballistic at me, for not telling my parents and she couldn't understand why I could so easily turn my back on my own baby, but she did back down a little when she found out about my phobia. She was the first one who knew about the phobia, she was with me when I was diagnosed, she didn't understand it straight away, but I did." I roll my eyes "With my medical training, I knew the moment the word Pedophobia came out of his mouth, that that was what my problem was. I couldn't see what was happening to myself, until I was told." I laugh quietly "When my head settled down a little, and I had been diagnosed and was seeing the shrink, I did start to get very curious about the baby, I never imagined I would ever have a child of my own, and just knowing that he was mine, kind of got to me. I am not as heartless as you might think ... I have always been totally torn, wanting to be something and someone that my phobia won't let me be ... his Dad!!" I roll my eyes "Meadow and Alpine talked me into coming back to at least try for yours and the babies sake." I laugh "You know I have always half suspected that Alpines has known all along about my phobia, I think Meadow must have told him about it." he eyes widen
"Why do you think that?" her eyes widen
"Well think about it, how lenient has he been with me over the years!! You say you put up with my shit because you love me ... but why exactly has he put up with me and my erratic behaviour, when really, he didn't have to?!" I raise my eyebrows
"Any other man would have walked away from this situation, but he has made sacrifices and always stuck by the both of us and we have always stayed very good friends, even after everything we have been through ... he even takes my side most of the time against you, and he has never really thrown at me that I'm a cold hearted berry hole, running away from responsibilities, like you have. My arguments have always been with you not him, not since Bay was born and my overdose."
"Surely if he had known about your phobia, he would have said!"
"Has he really needed to? He would know how embarrassed and screwed up I am by it from Meadow, she rarely gets me to open up and talk about it, so he has probably never tried to discuss it with me. With you, he might have said something if you had reacted differently, but you have never really given him a cause to tell you the truth." she frowns at me "We both know what you are like, at times selfish and blinkered, you go along in your own little world, as long as you are happy, regardless of what it is doing to those around you." she pulls a face at me as I laugh at her "You have just accepted all my shit without even questioning it properly, any other woman would have kicked me away or demanded an explanation after Bay, but you didn't!! All you could see is that you loved me and you just kept on going regardless, even knowing about my obsession with Granite and thinking I'm an asshole who is running away from his responsibilities and son, still you have never tried to kick me into touch!! The proof of that is right here and now, twenty years down the line, we are still together, have three kids, and you are only just being told the truth about my phobia. You have never forced me into having to tell you the truth!!" I laugh "Alpine has also just accepted my behaviour, and at times even been sympathetic, which has made me believe he knows the truth about why I react so irrationally around children." I laugh "And then there is Cinnamon, if you remember he kicked off royal style when he worked us out ...why did he back down so suddenly after just one conversation with Alpine, I suspect because, amongst other things, he was told about my phobia."
"Maybe, we'll have to ask him." she smiles at me "So Alpine actually helped talk you into coming back to me?"
"Yes, because initially when I left, I never intended to ever come back. He phoned me a lot after I left, as well as came out to Raspberry to see me, which you obviously didn't know about!" I laugh at her for a moment "When Bay arrived being mine, I think he was man enough to accept that you and him had been one big mistake, and it was over for you two without holding a grudge against either of us. Anything he did from there was for Cinn's sake, and after I left he told me you fell apart, which he was trying to fix for both of our son's sake, and if it meant you being with me, then so be it!"
"You two have way too many secrets!"
"You only have yourself to blame for that!!" we laugh at each other "I came back for a lot of reasons in the end, but my main one was because Bay being mine was really getting to me, and I hoped he would help me get over my phobia and we could have a normal life, but in a way he made it worse for me, wanting to get close and not being able to, it totally tore me apart!!"
"I really can't believe you have hidden all this from me, especially the phobia!!" she frowns at me
"It's not just you, I've hidden it from virtually everyone!" I mumble quietly "And I hate myself for some of the things I have done!!"
"What do you mean?"
"I've told so many lies and done some things in my time to avoid having contact with children, so that I could hide my condition and not let is show." I laugh for a moment thinking about some of the the things that I have done.
"Only you and Alpine have repeatedly seen me go properly, I gave up trying not to do it in front of you, in a hope that you might realise there was something not quite right about me, and like I've said I think he has always known about my phobia, so it didn't matter what he saw. With everyone else I've always walked away quickly and had my melt downs and freak outs in private. Meadow has seen me go a few times because of Holly and Ivy and Mace and Granite have seen me go a few times recently because of Jasmine winding me up and Clay screaming the place down." I laugh "Mace the twat, knowing I have the phobia and not thinking, brought Clay to me kicking and screaming, because he thought something was wrong with him, he thought he needed to be seen by a doctor and Granite and Slate were not in the house. Mace ended up having to phone Granite to come home, because we both ended up in a mess. I threw a wobble, cracked up, puked all over him and passed out. I hit my nose on his chair when I fell and it started bleeding. Me puking on him and him seeing my blood set Mace off, and Gran had to come home and calm us both down as well as clean both of us up."
"So do they all know in your house now then?" she frowns at me
"Hell no, only Mace and Gran. The three of us have had to keep up the act to protect Bay from uncovering the truth!! Bay, Slate, Saffy. Atlas, even Shale, just think I'm a miserable ass hole who hates children and they think I am taking my jealousy spite out on Mace's kid because I'm losing Gran. They don't know about my phobia or what is really going on with me, you, Gran and Mace, but I think they have a good idea, Gran and Mace sleeping together and me moving out, kind of gives the game away. " I laugh for a moment "Even Bay has given me a mouthful or two for losing it over the babies crying ... my phobia has been so much harder to hide since Amber and Clay arrived, and why I had no choice but, to move out in the end. I would have moved out straight away, but me and Gran were worrying about Slate and Bay's relationship, I needed to keep an eye on them, and suffer the children for as long as I could."
"So how do you cope with children at work?" she frowns at me "Being their doctor, I know you always struggled when you had to treat the kids when they were little, but surely Mango must have spotted it?"
"Our three kids and Cinn are the only ones I've ever had on my patient list, and they were different." I look at her sheepishly "The hit and run on Alpine, as nasty as it sounds, it helped me in a way to put things into perspective, it helped me to separate my true feelings away from my phobia." she frowns at me "The way I felt when I heard that Bay and Fudge had been thrown from their pram and had been rushed into intensive care with Alpine ... it tore me up, I basically had a melt down on the spot. I had never been so scared of anything in my life until that moment, the thought of them being seriously injured and fading. You didn't phone me, I had to hear about it through gossip, I got a scrambled version of events and actually thought the car had hit the pram as well as Alpine. I know what the impact of a car can do to a human body, it is hard enough for an adult to survive it, but a toddler and a baby ... in my mind they had no chance of surviving, all I could see in my head was their lifeless smashed up bodies and I couldn't deal with it, it hurt too much, more than anything has ever hurt me before, not even Gran. I think that is when I realised, I could and did love and care about them, even with my phobia." I roll my eyes "They are my children, and I do get it even if you think I don't, being scared of them didn't stop me loving them, but it did keep me away from them, and you will never understand how that feels or how much that hurts."
"You did kind of surprise me that day, the way you tore into the hospital in a right state, nearly giving the game away to Mango. It was the first time you had remotely shown me that you cared about them. Your face when Bay came running out into the corridor, you collapsed into a heap on the floor, I thought at first you had passed out again!!" she laughs quietly.
"It was the relief of seeing he was okay, my legs went from underneath me, and I did nearly pass out, my emotions went from one extreme to the other in a spit second, because then my phobia kicked in. While Bay was stood in front of me busy showing off his stitches to me with that big cheeky grin on his face, I was busy trying not to scare him by having a full scale panic attack ... which if you remember I did end up having eventually. Its just lucky Mango had been called away so he didn't get to see my full performance, or he probably would have sussed me out right there and then, on both counts, my phobia and Bay." we both lie there laughing for a moment
"So every time they needed to see the doctor, I bet you must have been going through hell every time I brought them to see you."
"Yes I was, on two counts!!" she frowns at me "Firstly I worried more about what was wrong with them, so it did help me keep my head together a little when I had to be their doctor. The moment they came through the door my panic started, I used to force myself to remember how I felt after the hit and run, and it helped to take my mind away from the phobia, but it never worked completely, it just prolonged the inevitable breakdown which most of the time happened as soon as you left and closed the door behind you, but I did crack up a few times in front of them if you remember." I pull a face at her "I just hope, they don't remember it!!"
"Surely you must see children in the hospital all the time?" she frowns at me
"Not really because I avoid the Children's wards like the plague!!" I laugh at her "Being in Neurology, I can avoid children in the hospital for the most part. If we do get any, which isn't too often, I swerve them and dump them on Mango. He laughs at me because I've made out to him over the years that suffering children cripple me emotionally, and it upsets me too much to deal with them ... helped by him watching me tearing into the hospital like a maniac and having a total breakdown over Bay and Fudge after the hit and run." I laugh "Avoiding Tapestry when he was a child and always at the hospital was my biggest worry all the time!"
"Talking about Tapestry, didn't you do the c section and deliver the triplets?" she frowns at me.
"Technically yes, realistically no!!" I laugh at her for a moment "When Lilly was in the coma, the day Mango ran in with that pregnancy test, and we discovered Lilly was actually still pregnant was like my worst nightmare, because I knew I'd have to watch the babies!! It was actually not too bad, because I'd done a stink in radiology and scanned a lot of pregnant women, but I learned to detach myself from them being real, seeing them as cartoon characters on the screen and not real babies, and there is a wall between us them being inside the womb. Mango insisted I performed the C Section on Lilly and I nearly faded, there was no way of me getting out of it without telling him the truth. After I'd done the initial incisions, we opened her up to start getting the babies out, a purple leg kicked out and I freaked. I had to back away making the excuse I felt unwell and shouldn't carry on. The other surgeon had to finish the C Section while I stood in the corner having a panic attack. I still have nightmares over Corals leg now, a reason why I've never really liked her!!" we both start laughing
"Have you seriously never told Mango about this phobia?" she laughs at me
"Hell no!! I've always played the OCD card with him to explain some of my strange behaviour, if he had known about the phobia, he would have had me straight down to psych in Sugar, not knowing I'm already a Raspberry psych patient!! Besides Mango would have tried to get involved 'to fix me' you know what he's like, I could never have hidden our kids from him."
"Would it have really hurt for Mango to have known from the start?"
"I don't know, I have thought sometimes I should tell him, and I've wanted to at times ... but how could I tell him, when you did not even know about it properly yourself!!" I roll my eyes "I know I could have trusted Mango not to say anything and he would have understood and been sympathetic to my condition, especially why we were trying to protect the kids from my irrational behaviour!! He would have been someone for me to talk to, I've only ever had my shrink until Granite came back, and even Mace understands because of his own phobia which screws him up as much as mine screws me up." I roll my eyes "I've always been scared, the more people that know, the more likely it is that the truth would come out, and you know I have always been terrified of screwing up the kids and messing their heads up, they never would have understood me being their Dad and why I was acting like a crazy idiot around them!!"
"How has he never sussed us out Forrest? Can't he see in our medical records."
"Yes which is why you was stupid to go to Ice instead of coming to me!!" I snap at her "I've had to do a lot of dodging to avoid him working it all out. Mango has never been my doctor, so he's never had cause to look through my medical records and I am registered in Raspberry not here to prevent anyone from here accessing my medical records. Of course it could be done illegally, like Granite did when he was in Cherry, but Mango does not tend to do that, as a rule everything he does is strictly by the book. I've even had to break the law to hide it ..." she frowns at me "If you remember I used Gravels runner to cover up the paternity tests to stop it leaking out, and I should not have been treating my own children, it's against the rules." I smile at her "I know he is going to read me the riot act when I've come clean with him, over Bay, Fudge and Mint being on my patient list!" I roll my eyes "Something they might not be too happy about themselves when they have got their head around me being their biological Father and their Doctor, because of some of the things they have told me over the years since they became teenagers, in confidence."
"Things like what?" she frowns at me
"Things I can't tell you!" I laugh at her "Nice try, but you know I can't tell you. - patient confidentiality, it is more than my job is worth!!" she laughs at me.
"So how could Ice work it out?"
"It can be worked out quite easily if they spotted the kids blood group incompatibility with Alpines, but I've always been their doctor, for that reason, to stop him poking through the kids medical records, and you did us a favour, avoiding having Mango as your doctor trying to hide Coals existence." I laugh "I was totally bricking it when he said he wanted to test everyone for a kidney match for Slate - that is why I played up so much over them finding Granite, I knew Slate was Granites child and not Gravels, I hoped if they found Granite quickly he wouldn't have to test anyone else, because I knew Slate had Granites blood group, and would probably have been a good enough match."
"But he did test everyone."
"Yes, but thankfully he didn't pick up on anything, Bay having your blood group, and he over looked the girls because he didn't test Alpine due to his brain damage."
"If he had tested Alpine, he could have easily spotted it. Although I was still bricking it, even though he didn't test him, I half expected him to remember Alpines blood group, but I think he had that many blood groups thrown at him all at once that he didn't concentrate properly to work out the girls have incompatible blood!! We are very lucky that Cinnamon also had your blood, so when Granites liver came up, he over looked the girls again, not testing Alpine. If Cinnamon had had Alpines blood, then it would have blown us wide open!!" her eyes widen as she stares at me " It was bad enough me worrying about you and Bay having the closest kidney match for Slate, then I nearly faded when you suggested he test Cinnamon for a possible liver donation, I never expected it, and I went into shear panic mode until I double checked his blood type was the same as yours." I roll my eyes
"You know why we did that ... we knew they had to turn the machines off, he had a donor card ... we didn't want him fading to be a total waste ... especially if he could help someone else to live!!"
"I know." I mumble quietly "Mango had a lot to do with Alpine if you remember when he was on life support after the hit and run, I was scared he might remember Alpines blood group when he tested the girls. He is pretty acute, it's rare he misses or forgets anything!! He spots and works out a lot of things he shouldn't - I'm just glad he's colour blind, or he probably would have worked out that Mint was mine just through sight!! Mind you I think the whole town is colourblind as well as stupid, because how nobody has ever questioned Mint being mine because of her skin, eyes and she looks so much like me facially, it is beyond me. If Granite could see it straight away, how does nobody else?! I guess everyone thinking I'm gay has really helped us more than we realise!! Of course, Gran has always known I'm straight, so he would suspect it." she laughs
"Will you ever be cured of this phobia?" she mumbles quietly
"I don't know. I didn't think so, because of how long I've been seeing a shrink, but my psychiatrist thinks now Granite has actually come back, and I'm letting him go, I can actually now deal with all this shit, and get past it. Granite thinks the same, but I don't know." she smiles at me "My shrink wants me to step my sessions back up to weekly again, but I don't see the point ... it's too late for my own kids. I just have to live with it."
"What about your Grandchildren ... and I can think of a very good reason why you should try!!" she says as she rubs her stomach which makes me cringe, reminding me again that she is pregnant, and more than likely will not have a termination, even if her life depended on it!!
"Oh yeah, that is going to go down like a lead balloon isn't it - sorry kids I wasn't there for you, but the psychiatrist is going to fix me now so I can be there for this one!!"
"I'm sure they will understand if you sit down and explain it all to them. This actually makes me feel a hell of a lot better about coming clean and telling them the truth. At least you have a solid reason for why you are the way you are - which is a lot better than telling them you are an ass hole who doesn't like kids, which is what we would have been telling them, if you hadn't told me this!!"
"Telling them I'm a nut job who has spent the whole of their life seeing a shrink - isn't going to make them feel any better about what we've done!! It might have washed with them if only Bay was mine, but there are three of them ... I should never have let that happen!! All three of them are still going to hate me for not being there!!" I laugh "Unless by some miracle they can actually see that what we did, hiding me, was the best thing for them, and that they got a better life and Dad with Alpine, without me and my behaviour mentally wrecking them and messing their life up!! Even still we are going to wreck there heads, finding out the man who has loved them and brought them up since they were babies is biologically not their Dad." I start chocking "I'm scared Mel ... I am scared they are going to hate me!!
"They won't hate you ... when we have explained it all to them ... they will understand!!"
"How?! When I don't understand myself half the time ... Mel they are going to hate me, I just know they are!!"
I start to crack up
 |
| welcome to my world of truth ... |
Finally she gets to see me, and I can't help but wander what she is thinking!!
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Song = "Underneath" ~ Adam Lambert
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