Chapter 20 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~ In a Perfect World ~


I woke up slowly feeling a little groggy, the bright lights blinding me when I first opened my eyes, confusing me for a few seconds - then it hit me - remembering where I am and why, wishing that I had never woken up at all.  I closed my eyes again and just lay there trying to wish it all away, but knew the next time I opened my eyes nothing would have changed.  I wandered how I had even managed to get any sleep considering, then I remember Mango jabbing me with a needle, he had sedated me because I had been hysterical after they took my faded baby away, he was born without any life, the only thing I had left of Cosmic - both of them gone, I don't know which one is the hardest to take.   The last thing I remember was collapsing into Mango's arms before everything went black.

I could hear a constant tapping noise, it sounds like somebody is typing away on a computer keyboard, probably a doctor or nurse, then I heard the door open and footsteps walking across the room, but I kept my eyes closed I wasn't ready to face the world, not sure I would ever be able to face the world again without Cosmic.  I just lay there and listened.

"Prelude did he make it?"  I heard a familiar voice say - Maizie - she must have been the person on the computer keyboard because when she spoke the tapping stopped.  I heard chair legs scraping across the floor, I imagined her getting up out of her chair to face the person she is talking to and who hadn't yet spoken or answered the question, that I desperately wanted an answer too  I presume she got a nod or a shake of the head as the person she spoke to didn't speak in reply.  I was so scared that I was going to lose Prelude too, that was the only thing stopping me from opening my eyes and asking the question myself, the thought of being told he has faded too - I seriously couldn't cope with. .

"She should be awake by now, I didn't give her that much sedative,  you have been checking on her haven't you?"  I heard Mango's voice and could tell he is standing really close to my bed.  I felt slightly comforted that he is still here, but the tone of his voice is strange, and I didn't have any idea what it meant. 

"Of course!!!"  Maizie snapped.  The room fell silent for a moment then suddenly I felt his warm hand softly touching my face, he ran his fingers gently across my cheek.  I struggled to keep my face still under his touch, I didn't want him to know that I am awake yet.   His hand left my face the second that Maizie started to shout at him.

"Mango, you seriously need to get a grip, look at you, you can't even hide it can you!!"  Maizie sounded really angry

"You should go home, there are plenty of nurses around and you shouldn't be here, get some sleep your next shift starts in six hours."  Mango said completely ignoring what Maizie had just shouted at him.

"OH NO!!  You and me have something to finish discussing remember, in fact we have a few things that need discussing after some of the things you've done today - I'll leave when you do!!"  the tone of Maizie's voice is not pleasant, it sounds like Mango is in some sort of trouble, actually it sounds like he is in a lot of trouble.

"That can wait, don't you think, I've got much more important things to worry about right now!!"  Mango snapped.  I felt very guilty for lying here listening to their private conversation and wished now I'd opened my eyes when he had touched my face.  If they knew that I was actually awake they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.

"WHAT!?  HER!? I might have known - HER again!!!!"  Maizie is now virtually yelling at him.  "I still can't believe you grabbed for her when you realised that car was going to hit us - it should have been ME you wanted to protect not HER!!!  You are so stupid you would have just stood there and let that car hit you like Cosmic did - wouldn't you, and it would have done if I hadn't pulled you out of the way, you stood there like an idiot making sure she got out of the way.  I saved your life today and don't you forget that!!"

"If all you are going to do is lay into me, why did you even bother??" Mango snapped quite nastily, it shocked me I've never heard him speak to anyone so nastily before, even with our latest bickering he has never been anywhere near so nasty.

"Sometimes I wander, especially when I have to find out from another nurse that you are leaving this hospital and moving to berry knows where, I thought I am supposed to be your girlfriend, we live together for Berry's sake - how stupid do you think I felt when I didn't even know you were planning on moving away - what were you planning to do -  just up sticks and disappear on me??"

"I've told you already I've only applied for the job - I doubt I'll even get it so there is actually nothing to discuss yet is there!!! ."

"Well there is a fax on your desk that says otherwise - you have been offered the job, so congratulations you are moving a million miles away from here  ......... tell me something - did you ever plan to ask me to go with you or is this just your way out, you've never really taken our relationship seriously have you!!"

It went quiet for a minute before he spoke again  "Just go home Maizie, where we will discuss this later,  I'll send a nurse in to relieve you, you're probably not the best person to be here when she wakes up anyway, I'm going to check on Prelude, I don't want you here when I get back!!!!"

I heard footsteps crossing the room again  "Don't you walk away from me - I'm not finished with you yet!!"  Maizie shouted

"We are at work Maizie, I'm not doing this here!!"  Mango said then I heard the door open  "Have me paged when she wakes up"  the door closed and he was gone and the room fell into silence for a few moments.

 
I just carried on lying here, I had to, I didn't want her to know I'd just listened to them arguing.  I heard Maizie mumble under her breath then go back to tapping away at the computer like she had been before Mango appeared.  Virtually straight away the door opened and somebody walked in "Dr Muffin told me to take over."  a woman spoke, but Maizie sent her away telling her she is fine and is waiting until he returns.  The woman didn't question Maizie she just left the room again.

The room went totally silent, I lay still willing Maizie to make some sort of noise to distract me from having to think about reality.  No sound came and everything came slamming back into my head, visions of Cosmic and Prelude lying motionless on the ground, not knowing at the time that Cosmic had already faded and Prelude was bearly  hanging on, the pain of childbirth totally forgotten when it's replaced with a greater pain  from having to watch my little purple baby lying there lifeless while they tried to get him to breath - in the dark I am reliving everything that has happened since I crawled out of the hydrangea bush.   I tried to get rid of those thoughts by rerunning Maizie and Mango's conversation - but I couldn't get past the part about Mango getting another job and moving away - he is going to leave me just like Cosmic and the baby have.  I couldn't stand it any longer, the pain in my chest became unbearable, I opened my eyes and sat up, feeling the panicking building up inside me, struggling to catch my breath.  The tears started to flow like a waterfall down my face, I doubted I would ever be able to stop crying again.

Maize looked up briefly at me from behind the computer monitor, but she didn't speak to me or come over to me she just left me sat here obviously in distress struggling to breath.  I heard her pick up a phone, tapping out a few numbers, and after just a short pause she snapped  "She's awake" then the phone slammed down quite heavily.  I guessed it was Mango that she had just phoned, still not saying anything to me she started tapping away at the computer again.

The pain is eating away at me, I couldn't get the picture of Cosmic's body lying on the ground out of my head, I'm beginning to panic even more the thought of never seeing him again is too much to bear!!!  I needed to get out of here, to see Prelude, anything, I just needed to do something before I lost my mind.   I struggled out of bed, still feeling a little strange, not sure that the sedative had completely worn off yet.  I felt unsteady on my feet and my head started spinning, my legs started wobbling, I know I'm just about to collapse into a heap on the tiled floor and braced myself for the fall.

A pair of hands appeared from nowhere catching me just as my legs gave way. "Nurse Lane are you even paying attention here"  Mango shouted at her quite nastily.  "Didn't I tell you to go home, now GO!!"  I heard the chair legs squealing across the floor as Maizie got up and stormed out of the room.  I could see this was all getting just a little too personal, she wasn't doing her job properly because it is me, she hadn't listened to him as a doctor but as her boyfriend - Mango just pulled rank on Maizie and she didn't like it.

He carried on holding me up as we both watched Maize storm out.   As the door slammed shut behind her he pulled me towards him  "It's ok I've got you" the tone of his voice now completely different to how he had just spoken to Maizie.

"You shouldn't be out of bed yet Lilly!!"  He pulling me into a hug and he just held me there.  "Prelude is going to be fine, he's out of surgery and out of danger, I'll take you down to see him when your stable on your feet."   Once I stopped wobbling and my head levelled out I realised that I'm still crying, relieved that Prelude is going to be ok but stewing on why my baby had to fade .. it didn't make sense.  I watched the wet patch on Mango's shoulder getting bigger, my tears streaming down and soaking his clothes.

"The baby - why?"  I asked him.

His grip on me tightened, I could feel his heart beating faster against my chest, it felt like I waited forever for him to speak  ......  "I'm sorry he didn't make it Lilly - he was born too early, and he had been faded too long for us to bring him back!!"

I pushed myself away from him forcefully, he stumbled backwards trying to steady himself

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  I screamed

"I'm Sorry!!!!  There was nothing we could do!!!" 

How could this happen to me?
Losing Cosmic is hard enough, but the baby I didn't understand ..........

"YOU!!!  You said he was healthy - he shouldn't have faded ...How?? ... Why?? !!!!" 

The pain turned to anger and I found myself yelling and screaming at Mango, I wanted answers but didn't give him the chance to give me any.

I started to get hysterical again, I've never had to handle grief before and I didn't know how to, letting it all out was the only thing I could do.  My head is going round in circles, grieving for two people at the same time is impossible, one minute I'm thinking about Cosmic the next the baby, my mind can't settle in one place, its going backward and forward to the point where I think I'm going crazy.

"Lilly Please, you need to calm down or I'm going to have to sedate you again, I know you're hurting but ....... !!"

"You don't know anything, you don't know how this feels - you should have let that car hit me - sedate me - do anything I don't care - just please take all this pain away!!!"  I totally lost it.

My screaming and shouting attracted the attention of doctors and nurses out in the corridor, who ran into the room to help Mango hold me down.  I felt a needle jab into my arm just before everything went black.

I felt a lot calmer after another sleep, Mango was still here when I woke, he had been asleep in the chair by my bed.  I am beginning to wander if he has even been home since the "accident".  The nurse on duty woke him up when I started to stir.

After the nurse had checked me over he helped me out of bed and hugged me  "Please don't get all hysterical on me again, I need to get you discharged before they send you down to phyc, they think you are a crazy woman!!"

"I'm not mad!!"

"I know that, but you have had to be sedated twice, physically there is nothing wrong with you but you have spent two days under sedation, once more and they'll have you down in phyc, trust me, you don't want to get stuck in there!!"

Two days??!!  Have I really been here that long....

"Now get dressed while I sort out your discharge papers, I'm taking you down to see Prelude, maybe that might help you a little." 

"O.M.B!! Affair!!"  Suddenly I thought about Affair, where is he, who's looking after him, I haven't even given him a thought until now, for two days he has been Berry knows where......

"Don't worry, Sunny and Ruby have him, they will look after him for as long as is needed, I checked on him earlier he's perfectly fine, happily playing with the twins!!"  he smiled at me  "In fact you don't need to worry about a thing, I've sorted everything that needed doing."

"What would I do without you"

"You'd cope!!"  he said half hearted

This triggered me off - I remembered that he is leaving, he has another job and is moving away, I could feel myself getting panicky again, him leaving is going to break me, I don't know how I am ever going to get through this without him, the thought of losing someone else, especially him is unbearable.

"Why are you leaving me?"  his face changed he just stood there staring at me like he is surprised at my question  "You've got another job - you're moving away - why?"

"How do you know?  Has Maizie said something to you??"  he asked a little confused

I started to cry again, I had to tell him that I was awake and I heard their argument, I thought he would get mad with me but he didn't.

"I'm sorry Lilly, I planned to tell you in a few days when you were a little more settled, you shouldn't have found out like that!!"

"Why?  I don't understand why do you have to leave?".

"I just need to, this really is not the time for me to be explaining why, I'm sorry, I know my timing stinks but I have been wanting to do this for a while, I've kept putting it off for months and when I finally do something about it this goes and happens!!"

"You can't leave - I need you!!"  I know I'm being selfish but I desperately couldn't bear the thought of him going on top of what I've already lost.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I will still be here for a while its not like I'm going tomorrow!!"

"When?"

"I am working a months notice here and start my new job at the end of next month - I'm sure you will be feeling a lot better by the time I leave."

"Mango how will I ever feel better when all I'm doing is losing everyone that I care about - you're leaving me just like they have."

"Lilly please don't!!!"  he put his arms around me and when he started to talk again he sounded choked like he's fight back the tears "I'll be a plane ride away, anytime you can pick up the phone and call me - its not like I'm going to disappear and never see or talk to you again!!"

"But it won't be the same - I need you here."

When he didn't speak I had to ask "Are you taking Maizie with you?"

"No, there is no point, I'm leaving her, it's never going to work between us."

"Please don't go."  I could hardly choke out the words through my tears

"I'm sorry I have to.  Please don't try to talk me out of this Lilly, I have to go, I just wished the timing was a little better."

He seemed determined to leave and I doubted there is anything I could do to stop him.

Later, sitting watching Prelude drift in and out of consciousness, I felt a whole lot better knowing there was at least one person I was not going to lose.

"Mango he is going to be alright isn't he??"

"Yes, he's going to be just fine!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song ~  Perfect World  ~ Simple Plan