Chapter 33 - Gen 1 ~ My Immortal

Chapter 33

~My Immortal ~

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Its now been nearly four years

I'm tired and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I thought bringing her home might help her wake out of her coma.  I was wrong.  Three years after bringing her home she is still lay here not the slightest sign that she is coming out of this.  There is no medical reason for her to still be in there - so why is she, does she really not want to come back to us?  It really doesn't make any sense.  The only reason I can come up with for her still being in there is that she wants to be in there, that she doesn't want to come back.

Four year - I think its time I started to face reality - she's gone - I doubt she is every coming back, Coma's that last this long don't usually end well.  If by some minor miracle she does still wake up its doubtful much of her will come back.  Lilly why are you not waking up?? what is keeping you in there??

Some days when I can't get any lower, I so desperately want an end to this.  I sometimes even wish that she would just put me out of my misery because I just can't stand the pain anymore, then I hate myself for thinking that way.   Of course I want nothing more than for her to wake up even if only part of her comes back - but -  if she has to go - I wished she would just go - the longer this drags on the harder it is going to be for me to take if she does go.  Sometimes I think back to before Cosmic died, the pain of watching her with him was nothing compared to the pain I am feeling now, everyday staring at her empty shell, it's mental torture.

I had a battle on my hands just to bring her home, especially with my parents, at first they didn't even want to listen, but eventually I managed to talk them round.  The next step was trying to convince the hospital that I was doing the right thing for Lilly and myself, which was surprisingly a lot easier than convincing my parents.  I had a few rooms in the house altered, the hospital loaned me all the equipment that I needed and I took a years compassionate leave from work, I hired a couple of good nurses and Lilly came home not long after Tapestry finally left the hospital for the first time to come home.

At first I was filled with hope that this way of life wouldn't last for long, she would soon wake up and everything would be fine.  Everything ran like clockwork with the help of rota's that organized all of our lives around Lilly and the triplets.  My life was made so much easier with everyone under the same roof and me not having to worry about work so that I could concentrate on looking after Lilly and the triplets, especially Tapestry who needed far more attention than the other two.

The first year flew by, but then my dilemma started again, Lilly still in the coma and me due back to work, I had not really planned on her being away for that long.  I had no choice but to return to work.  Luckily I had the option to drop all of my surgery schedules and it freed up a lot of time which I could spend at home, so work didn't interfere too much, hiring a doctor to cover the times when I am not home solved the problem, she is well looked after while I am not here but I still hate every minute that I am away from Lilly, scared that something might happen when I am not around.

Most nights I struggle to sleep and find myself sleeping on the sofa in Lilly's room, I don't think that I've had a decent nights sleep in years.  It's a routine that I've gotten myself into that I can't break, it's like I'm scared to be too far away from her, I can't sleep upstairs, I lie awake wandering what is happening down here even though for the last three years there has not been one single problem, not even with her health.  The nurses who do the night shift are more than capable of taking care of her but still I find myself down here, they have had to get used to me snoring on the sofa on and off through the night.

The first ping of the xylophone had me awake and sitting bolt upright.  "Tapestry."

"Mulberry just brought him in, he's been playing holy hell upstairs wanting you and he's refused to eat again."   Ocean informed me when she heard me speak.  Ocean is one of the regular full time nurses, so regular she now lives in, which makes it really handy if I do have to go out anywhere, she can be available at a minutes notice.

Tapestry is another big worry for me, he has been ever since the minute I found out about his existence and it's never stopped, his life so far has been a constant battle.  He's not a normal child, he is nothing like the other three toddlers that we have running around the house, five when Preludes twins are here.  Tapestry has slight problems with his eye sight and hearing, but there is also something else going on in that brain of his - but he is too young yet for us to make a proper diagnosis, he definitely has some kind of neurological disorder, I think I already know what is wrong with him I just need time to prove it.

Music is the only thing that seems to interest him.

Most of the time he seems to be in a little world all of his own.  While Mosaic and Coral are happily singing and playing Tapestry will just sit staring into space doing nothing for hours on end.  While they have been walking and talking for about 18 months Tapestry is only just learning to walk and talk.  He is a nightmare when it comes to feeding, he would only every drink cold bottles and solid food he eats but only when he wants to which isn't often enough in my book.  While he is quiet most of the time when he does springs to life he becomes a total NIGHTMARE, he goes from one extreme to the other.  He has the worst tantrums I've ever seen, he never cries he just screams, and he can be very mean to the other toddlers especially if they go anywhere near the xylophones, he goes mental, a lot of the time he has to be kept apart from all the other toddlers because he can get downright evil with them.  He was hard work when he was a baby, is hard work as a toddler and I know it is only going to get harder the older he gets.

I sat in the rocking chair listening to Tapestry tapping away on the xylophone, while I am rocking backwards and forwards I started to wallow in my own self pity, wandering how my life had come to this!?  It feels like I was never supposed to be happy, all the years that I have loved her and was without her because she was with Cosmic, then he dies and when I do finally get what I want she is snatched away from me again - I couldn't bear to think that the short time we had together is all I'm ever going to get - scared that this is how it is always going to be - scared that Lilly is going to be lay there for many more years before she quietly slips away without ever waking up.  The longer she stays in there the more likely that is how it will happen, with every month that ticks by the lesser the odds of her ever waking up.

I'd give anything right now for her to come back, I'm lonely, tired and miss her so much it is slowly killing me, and I know if she goes she will take most of me with her.

There is a soft knock on the door, then it opens slowly. I glanced up to see Prelude pop his head around the door, I wasn't expecting to see him today, today is one of his 'Lilly free' days, or have I got my days muddled up?! I have started to feel so mentally tired lately that I'm not sure that I'm thinking straight anymore.

"Do you have time for a chat?"  he stood in the doorway looking at me for a minute then ran his hand through his hair nervously, he looked worried and I wasn't too sure why.  Then he asked me why am I crying.  I hadn't even realized that I was crying, for a second I had made him think that there was something wrong with Lilly, relief washed over his face when I told him that I was just feeling a little down, lonely and missing Lilly.

"Do you think she ever really got over losing Cosmic?"   he looked at me a little puzzled but didn't say anything  "I keep wandering why she might be staying in there - maybe she can't face living without him, maybe settling for me is not really what she wanted and that's why she's not coming back!!"

"Mulberry is right, you are beginning to lose the plot Mango - she loves you and you know she does, you are just being stupid!!  Why are you even thinking like that?!"  He stood there looking at me like I'd gone mad, and maybe I have, I've been trying to find a reason for why she might still be in there and I can never get past Cosmic, even though I am a doctor and I should know better than to go looking for stupid reasons to why she is still in that coma.  "You know you seriously need to give yourself a break, you spend way too much time down here, you are going to drive yourself crazy!!!!" 

"I'm fine, really!!!"."  I said smiling at him even though I am far from fine  "Anyway, what are you doing here today?"

He told me that Caramel, who was due to spend time with Lilly today, has come down with a cold and apparently Alpine is a right fruit loop today, so Sunny is having to help her with him.  Prelude is going to sit in with Lilly today instead of Caramel.

I can't help but think about what a mess that woman, Lime,  has made of all our lives, we are all suffering in one way or another, and I now can't even look at Prelude without thinking about her.  I really don't know how he can live with himself loving the woman that has ruined all of our lives, including his own and especially their twins.

We take it in turns to spend an hour or two with her reading and talking to her,  not just me, my parents and her two brothers but Affair, Cherry, Sunny, Ruby, Ice and Caramel also take their turn, only Alpine doesn't get involved because he has enough problems of his own without even trying to understand what is going on with Lilly.  I hoped she might be able to hear us and it might help to encourage her to come back, but over the past three years it doesn't seem to have done anything to help at all.

While Prelude is reading to Lilly I thought I have another go at teaching Tapestry to walk.  Trying to get him walking has just been the worse thing, he has just been plain awkward, he is nearly three years old and he's only now learning things that he should have been learning years ago, his development is way behind Mosaic's and Coral's.

"Come on Tap, walk to Daddy."  I have to speak quite loudly to him so that he can hear me.

"NO!!"  he stands there staring at me with attitude - "No" is his usual response to most thing and his favourite word at the moment.

"Come on Tap, you can do it, walk for Daddy"

He sits down and glares at me  "NO!!!  NO!!!!  PIANO!!!"  He has a fascination with the piano, and quite often I have to play it for him to calm him down when he is having one of his hissy fits.


"NO!!  No piano for Tapestry until you walk to Daddy!!"

"NO WALK - PIANO!!"  I am struggling not to laugh at him because of the look on his face, I would love to know where he gets all of this attitude from.

"NO!!  WALK FIRST THEN PIANO!!"  He sits just looking at me with that pouty face of his and I thought I would be the one who would have to back down first as usual - Tapestry is very good at getting his own way, its game over when he starts screaming because he doesn't stop until he gets what he wants.  "Walk first Tap, then we can go and play the piano!!"

Suddenly he just stood up and started to walk very unsteadily towards me.  Now he is laughing at me - the little monkey - I wouldn't be surprised if he could do this all along and he's just been playing  awkward.

"Clever boy, Tapestry is walking!!"

I picked him up and made a fuss of him which he thinks is highly funny.

"Again"  I said to him as I went to place him on the floor again,

He went stiff, which means he is just about to start having one of his hissy fits, I knew I wouldn't get away with it  "NO!!  NO!!! PIANO!!"

"Okay - Okay - Piano"

As soon as we walked through the door that leads from Lilly's room into the music room Tapestry went stiff and started screaming.  Prelude is playing with Mosaic on the xylophone.  Tapestry seems to think that he is the only one that is allowed to play on the xylophones, he is very obsessive and protective over them.  Prelude quickly picks up Mosaic and moves him onto the logic block laughing as he does it, we all think it's funny how Tapestry gets over all the xylophones in the house.

The music room is right next door to Lilly's room and when I first brought her home I used to spend a lot of time in here playing, I used to prop the door open hoping that she might hear the music, something else that might help to wake her up.  but I've long since lost all hope that anything is going to help to bring her back.   If Tapestry's screaming fits over the past few years haven't woken Lilly up I don't think anything will!!

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We have just finished Lilly's daily physio session and Ocean has just left for the rest of the day, it's my turn to do the night shift with Lilly tonight, Mulberry and Ice are taking care of the triplets so I don't have to worry about them until the morning, as long as Tapestry goes to sleep without playing up for me like he does most of the time.

As I'm washing my hands I am listening to the monitor and notice a change in the sound.  The machines have beeped at a constant rate for years, and I've heard the sound so much that it's etched in my brain,  I can even hear it in my head even when I'm upstairs and away from this room, so accustomed to the pattern I can stand here knowing there is a change in the rhythm of the beeping.  Now I'm listening to the beeping which seemed to be a little quicker than normal.

Without even drying my hands I went over to check the monitors.  Her heart rate and BP have increased a little, I stood watching her for ages but there isn't even a twitch.  Something else that has always been a puzzle to me, most coma patients move around and thrash about involuntarily while they are away, in all the time Lilly has lay here I haven't seen so much as a twitch from her.

I checked her temperature worried that she might be getting sick, but it is normal, I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something has changed as I sat holding her wrist feeling her pulse racing away underneath my fingers without slowing down, my mind suddenly starts racing, but I can only think of the negative things, I didn't dare hope that this might be a good sign, I couldn't cope with the disappointment.

"Lilly can you hear me??  If you can try and squeeze my hand."  I say this too her all the time out of habit now hoping that one of these times I might get some sort of reaction or sign that she is in there and aware of us out here, but I never get one. 

I lay down on the edge of the bed, something I have only done once before in the last three years of her being home, even though I have wanted to lie here and hold her a million time I've always stopped myself.  I gently placed my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes as I lay there feeling her heart beating under my hand that's lay across her chest.

I felt quite warm and comfortable lying next to her and after a while I felt myself slowly starting to drift off to sleep but I didn't try to stop myself, quite happy to sleep here next to her, I think for my own sanity I needed to.  My hand that wasn't lay across her chest was holding her hand - I felt her fingers moving but at first it didn't register because I am on the verge of sleep.  Then I suddenly snapped back to reality because I thought I felt her fingers moving again, but I couldn't be sure if I'd imagined it or not.   "Lilly can you squeeze my hand"  I carried on lying there with my eyes closed now concentrating on her hand, willing her fingers to move again.  "Please Lilly I need to know you are still in there!!"

A gurgled sound like a moan escaping her throat, this had me sat up quickly and looking at her face, the first thing I noticed her mouth has opened slightly.  I'd just heard Lilly make a noise now I know I hadn't imagine that!!

"Lilly can you hear me?"

I watched as her eyelids started flickering like she is trying to open them, they half opened then closed and became still again.  For the first time in years I'd seen movement in her face.

"Lilly, we need you to wake up, please can you try!!"  I sat watching her face for ages but it didn't move again.

I got up and took my flashlight out of my pocket to check her eyes, when I flashed the light into her right eye I expected there to be the normal no reaction.  Her eye did react slowly to the light, which startled me and I dropped the flash light in shock.  Fudge!!  I was right, something has changed, but the change is a good one.

Berry!!  It looks like she might be on her way back!!!

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Song:  My Immortal ~ Evanescence