Through Colour Blind Eyes: Chapter 36 - Gen 1

~ The Story of Your Life ~

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Mango opened the car door for me and I thought he was just going to give me his hand to help me get out of the car and onto my feet, but he had other plans, swinging me up into his arms and carrying me towards the house. "Mango put me down I can walk!!"

"Like a snail, the quicker we get you inside the quicker I can relax, I don't want to spend the next half an hour out here nervously watching you trying to get down these steps." he grunts at me as he is trying to work his way down the steps carefully and balance my weight, with me in his arms it can't be easy for him. Now I am the one getting nervous, thinking if he trips we are both going down the steps, then where would we be!!

"You fuss too much!!" Quite a few times over the past few weeks and months hospital staff have shouted at him for fussing around me too much - jumping up to help me do everything is really not helping me - he has been told he has to leave me to work my own way through everything otherwise this is just going to slow me down from making a complete recovery - but still he carries on doing it, he just can't help himself. Being a doctor himself he already knows all this, he just gets very blinkered where I am concerned, and it isn't just me, he is very over protective of me and the triplets, in a way, it's nice, because it shows how much he loves us, but sometimes it can get too much, he can be very suffocating. I wander sometimes if he has always been this way? I still don't remember.

"Yeah well, I can't help it, I've finally got you back and I am never going to let anything bad happen to you again, so you are just going to have to get used to it!!!" He said as he lowered me down carefully onto the sofa in the living room, then sits down beside me throwing his arm around me. "So how is your memory today, has anything come back to you yet?" A question that he asks me every single day, and today like all the other days the answer is always "No" because nothing has come back, my past is still a large black void.

It's finally over medically wise, after two very long years of going in and out of the hospital for short stays, and appointments, physio, speach therapy, and test after test, today they have finally discharged me - I am as right as I'm ever going to be. Walking is still sometimes a struggle for me but it will get better as I become stronger and part of my brain was damaged in the fall, I am always going to have periods when I switch off, there is nothing that can be done about it. My memory has not returned either, I still don't recall anything from before the darkness.

Mango says that not all of me has come back, he says there is a big part of me that he hasn't seen yet, I'm not really sure what he means by that, but there is more of me than he expected, so he is very happy with how I am now. To me I'm normal because I can't remember how I was before, and I don't know any other way of being me, except for how I am now. It has been a struggle for me to get to know myself all over again, down to the simplest of things like even how I used to wear my hair. I thought that Mango plaited my hair because that was my normal style, but it wasn't, he just did that for convenience, to keep my hair contained and out of the way while I was in a coma and recovering. My favourite colour, my favourite food, if Mango doesn't know something about me and he can't tell me then it has probably been lost forever.

I have had to get to know everyone around me, get to know them all over again, the handful of family that I remembered were a struggle for me, Mulberry, Prelude, Affair and Mango's parents, I knew their names and their faces but that's all I knew about them, I remembered them as a person but nothing about them other than that they were important to me and that I loved them. I hate that I have lost all the memories from my past that I have probably lost forever and will never get back.

Mango was the strangest one for me to get my head around because he was different, as soon as I came out of the darkness I knew him, I knew his name without having to hear anyone say it, I knew his voice as soon as he spoke to me, I knew he was the most important person in my life, I knew he was my best friend and how much I loved him and I knew everything about him as a person I just knew nothing about his past. I could read his body language and knew how he was feeling from the way that he acted, its like I knew him inside out - but I couldn't remember our past together, the things we did when we were young, school, getting married they are all just words to me, the stories and things that he has told me don't jog the slightest memory to help me remember anything - I don't have a single memory that I can hold onto from my past.

I've had to learn a lot of things about my life that I really don't remember. It is hard for me to believe that I had a life before the darkness, to me it is just that big black hole that stares back at me telling me nothing, and I have to trust what people are telling me about myself and my past. Ever one of them has sat down with me and told me about their memories of our past together, I have had to sit and listen and take them all in, and now all I can do is share their memories with them because I have none of my own.

Silly things have upset me, like Ice, I watched her while I was waking up and have got to know her quite well, we have become quite close, she is married to my brother and I actually really like her, then she sits down and tells me about school and the way she used to bully me and the things she did to me and that even though she lived here before my fall because she was my brothers girlfriend everyone knew that I didn't like or trust her, apparently I tolerated her but only for Mulberrys sake. Then there were the people that I really didn't remember, watching them get upset because I didn't know them at all, Ruby especially, even though we had a rocky start in life we apparently came to be very good friends before my fall and my niece Wisteria, I had no recollection of her at all when I knew Affair her twin brother.

Prelude got the short straw of telling me about my early life with our parents as he was the only one who really knew it all. Finding out I hated my own parents when I loved Mango's so much was pretty hard to take. Also finding out that our parents had disowned all three of us for colour mixing, only one of their grandchildren Wisteria has the privilege of having our parents in her life because she is the only pure berry, the rest of us they don't want to know, especially me and Affair because we are colourless. According to Prelude and Mulberry it is highly unlikely that I will ever see our parents again - that makes me pretty sad.

At first they tried to hide all the bad things from me, but when the good things did nothing to jog my memories, they told me some of the bad things in my past life hoping they would do the trick, but they didn't either. Mango was never really comfortable about hiding the bad things from me he said everything always has a way of working its way out into the open and he didn't want me thinking he was lying or keeping secrets from me. The only thing they won't tell me about is Cosmic - they say I'm not ready to hear that story, I'm not going to like it so they'll tell me when they think I'm strong enough to deal with it. They also get very cagey whenever Lime is mentioned - something else they say I'm not ready to hear - so I dread to think what I might have coming in the future.

The triplets were the most shocking and the hardest thing for me to get my head around, apparently I knew I was pregnant when I fell and that was all I knew, I hadn't even got around to telling Mango that I was pregnant, I had been in the coma for eight weeks before he even found out about them. They grew and were born while I was in the coma, I can't help but think that it's a miracle they are even here at all and suddenly I am a Mother with a ready made family. I am their mother and I've missed all the important things, the day they were born, seeing them as babies, all their firsts - smiling, walking, talking, I hate that I've missed all of that, and worse, even if my memory does returned I will never get everything that I've missed back, that is lost for me forever. That hurts!!!

Suddenly what sounded like a herd of elephants came charging into the living room. Five children, our triplets and Sunny and Ruby's youngest twins came running, laughing and screaming into the room being chased by a growling Sunny. We both sat laughing at him, at first he didn't spot us sitting on the Sofa. He stood there growling like a lion making all the kids scream again, they all looked really happy, all the kids love Sunny, he's a lot of fun to be around and makes a great babysitter which he really enjoys.

"Oh!! Sorry I didn't realize you were back." he said, when he did spot us, looking a little embarrassed as he straightened himself up before he sat down a little out of breath and started to talk to Mango.

I'm watching Tapestry and Honey together. Tapestry is a really big worry to us. He finds it very hard to make friends with the other kids, mainly because of his temper tantrums, he upsets people when his tongue starts running away with itself, he's very inappropriate sometimes and can say and do some horrible things. He even struggles to get a long with his own siblings, they are forever having to be separated because they are fighting, usually started by Tapestry. While Mosaic and Coral are very close and always have a string of friends hanging around, Tapestry is quite the loner.

Honey is a sweet kid who seems to have a lot of patients with Tapestry, it's not often that they fall out, even when he is being obnoxious. The only other child that will put up with his mood swings is his cousin Storm.

Tapestry and Honey have both inherited something from me and Sunny, our love of dancing and quite often that is all they do for hours on end. I am smiling at them as I watch them dancing away together wishing I could get up and join them.

I hadn't realized at first that Mango and Sunny were no longer talking and like me are watching Tapestry and Honey dancing together.

"So Lilly, shall we join them, are you up for dancing?" Sunny asked smiling at me

"NO SHE ISN'T" Mango jumped in not even giving me time to say anything, as usual he is trying to wrap me in cotton wool. I looked at Sunny and we both started laughing quite loudly, Mango looking a little confused at the pair of us. Me and Sunny have been dancing to a fashion a few times while Mango has been at work he just doesn't know it and probably wouldn't be too pleased if he found out.

The next thing I know Mango is standing over me clicking his fingers in front of my face and he keeps calling my name over and over.

"What?!" I said quite irritated after hearing him say my name for about the twentieth time.

"You switched off, you have been gone for about half an hour!!" I looked around the room confused Sunny was sat there laughing, Tapestry and Honey were dancing - only a second ago - now they are not here, but Mosaic is sitting on the other sofa reading a book out loud to Tapestry. How did that happen?

Lilly, do you go somewhere when you switch off, what are you thinking about?" Mango asked me. I had to think about that for a moment - where did I go? I don't know, as far as I'm concerned I go nowhere, the time between switch off then back on again has disappeared for me, it doesn't exist, from the last thing that I can remember before switching off to the first thing that I remember after switching back on in my mind is only seconds apart but in reality it's been half an hour apart - so where do I go? "Sunny and the twins were here a second ago, where are they?"

"He left about twenty minutes ago after you switched off, it upsets him having to keep watching you and Alpine in cloud cuckoo land half of the time." he starts fussing round me now "Are you feeling okay? Are you tired? Do you want to lie down? Now do you see why you can't be left in the house on your own, anything could have happened in the time you were away!!""

"NO - I'm fine!!! STOP FUSSING!!!!" I feel perfectly fine, so I switched off and lost half an hour of time, he really needs to start learning to deal with this a little better, we have had quite a few arguments over my black outs, I get a little fed up sometimes of his fussing and being permanently baby sat by one person or another, he makes sure I'm never left alone for a minute.

It was then that I spotted it, I don't remember seeing it before, and if I have I haven't really paid much attention to it, the painting of Mango on the wall in the corner of the room, it is really very good, it's almost lifelike. I've spotted quite a few paintings of him scattered around the house in amongst all the other paintings hanging on the walls. "Who painted all the pictures of you?" I asked him. He followed my gaze and stood looking at the painting like I was.

"You did, like all the other painting that you can see around the house." I am shocked by him saying that - me - I can't paint!! Can I?? "Your easel is over there, maybe you should try painting again."

"I can't paint!!" I said still looking at the picture, I could never have done that!!

"Honestly, ask anyone, your paintings are fetching a fortune right now, that's how you started to earn your living before your fall, you're quite the famous artist now you know, I'm always being asked if I have any of your paintings to sell, especially the guy from the art gallery who used to buy most of your paintings before your fall." He looked back at the painting and got this far away look in his eyes "I kept them all for the kids, I couldn't sell them, just in case ............." He stopped suddenly but I know exactly what he is thing - just in case I had faded.

I am looking at his face, I thought he was having me on, still not believing that I could have painted all these pictures that I'm now looking around at, but he wasn't having me on, I can see he's telling the truth. He started to laugh "Those painting of me you used to do out of your head, I never posed for one of them, every time I came home from work I would find a new one. Mom kept telling me you loved me a long time before you admitted it because of those paintings!!!"

"Why have you not told me before now that I can paint?" I asked him a little curious as to why 2 years down the line I'm only just finding this out.

He said he doesn't know, it just kind of never came up in conversation, he was hoping that maybe I might discover it for myself as I was getting better, it was a big part of me apparently so he just thought it would come back with me. Plus there was also the fact that he thought I really haven't been up to standing for hour on end at an easel painting, up untill now.

Mango stood up, "Boys can you watch your Mom for a while, I just need to make a few phone calls and check my work emails, you know what to do if she switches off, and DON'T go wandering off stay with her till I get back." he turned to me "Its not likely you are going to switch off again so soon, so you should be okay with the boys watching you, it's important stuff that I really should have done this morning, I won't be long." I told him to go and to stop fussing, he walked out of the room looking a little uneasily back at me, I know he isn't feeling very comfortable about leaving me alone with just the boys, but he is only going to be downstairs - what harm could I come to. .

I sat staring at the easel, I am still struggling to believe that I could have painted any of these pictures that are scattered around the living room, but maybe it answered something I'd quite often wandered - why there are so many easels scattered all around the house - some of them with half finished paintings on them that actually look pretty good - maybe they are painting that I never finished before my fall.

After staring at the blank canvas for a while I got up and went over to the easel and picked up a paint brush, hoping it would jog a memory but it didn't. I didn't know where to start or what to do with the paint brush. It actually frightened me, and I quickly placed the paint brush back onto the easel. If I did paint those pictures, what if I couldn't now? I didn't have the courage to find out so I walked away from the easel.

"Mom where are you going?" Mosaic shouted after me as I started to make my way into the kitchen, I'm hungry and its getting close to a meal time so decided to fix something to eat. I told them I'm just making dinner and they carried on reading the book together.

I decided to cook something. I opened the fridge to look at it's contents, a load of tomato's caught my attention so I decided to cook spaghetti. I find myself doing things automatically but can't remember learning how to do them, like this spaghetti, I knew what I needed to make it and how to make it, so obviously I must have cooked it in my past life, I just don't remember ever doing it before. So why did I just get so scared over holding a paint brush?

I stood at the stove stirring the sauce, as I'm thinking about our future - I decided I'm not going to let all those lost memories and everything I've forgotten get me down anymore, I'm lucky to have been given a second chance to make plenty more memories that I won't forget. I found myself smiling as I'm watching the spoon that I am stirring going around the pan in circles, I found it quite hypnotizing.

That is the last thing that I remember.

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"Tap can you smell burning?" Mosaic said looking up from the book that he is reading to me because I can't read it for myself, we are polls apart in intelligence, he's a genius like Dad and I'm an idiot who has a list of problems as long as my arm, which my brain box brother loves to keeps pointing out to me. "I can smell smoke, can you?."

I sniffed the air and now that he has mentioned it I can smell it too "Probably Mom burning dinner, can she even cook?" I started laughing, I'd said it as a joke because I have never known my Mom to cook before, it is always Dad or Nan that makes all our meals for us.

"FUDGE!!" Mosaic jumped up off the sofa dropping the book on the floor as he ran off quickly in the direction of the kitchen so I got up and followed him. "Dad is going to kill us we were supposed to be watching her!!" he said as he vanished into the kitchen - that's when I heard him scream.

As I entered the kitchen I ran into Mosaic nearly knocking him flying, he only just managed to stay on his feet and as he steady's himself he started to panic and scream "MOM MOVE!!!"

I looked up to see Mom is standing in front of the cooker which is on fire. She is not listening to Mosaic, she is just standing there like she doesn't even see the fire around her. The flames are dancing inches away from her and she is oblivious. I started to shout at her to move like Mosaic is. "Tap she can't hear us, I think she has switched off." Mosaic is shouting at me loudly over the noise of the crackling flames.

"Stay there, don't move, don't go near the fire because it will get you, I'm going to fetch Dad" Mosaic shouted at me as he ran out of the kitchen screaming "DAD!!! ... DAD!!!" over and over at the top of his voice.