Side - Prelude 3

~ Can't Let You Go ~

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I knew it would be painful but I didn't realise just how much.

The mood that Mango and Mulberry were in I thought they might just give me a good kicking and be done with it, but no, what they are dishing out is a lot worse.  I would much rather do physical pain any day.  The emotional stuff I have always struggled to deal with and they have got me in places I never even knew existed.  After virtually 48 hours of them both constantly pecking my head, emotionally I am totally worn out.  Now comes the silent treatment.  This is my third day without a drink and my third day without talking to Manderine and its killing me!!  But my concience is killing me even more!!!!

Suddenly its gone quite they are both just rattling around me but giving me the silent treatment, neither of them have said one word to me today and its dinnertime.  Mulberry has vanished and Mango seems to be taking another day off work.

"You're coming out with me this afternoon."  he said as he put his fork down  "And don't get any ideas about sloping off to that dive bar of yours when I'm not looking,  because the minute you do - everything I've said Prelude I meant it - your bags will be packed quicker than you can knock back your first drink. Affair can stay but your out!!!"

"Where are we going??"

"I thought maybe I need to take you to a few places and remind you of a few things - including Lilly - it's been weeks since you've been to see her because you've been too busy getting wasted and you STILL haven't really told me why you have turned to drink all of a sudden!!"

"Okay, Okay, I'll tell you but you're really not going to like it!!!!"  he looked at me and his eyes narrowed  "Manderine .......... I love her."  he closed his eyes and his hand smashed down on the table.  He jumped up out of his chair suddenly and I thought for a moment he might go for me.

"Now we really do have a problem then don't we!!!  YOU IDIOT!!!!"  he just stood there staring at me  "Prelude I really don't know how we are ever going to survive all of this!!"  he said as he walked off into the livingroom kicking the bin across the kitchen as he passed it.

I heard him bashing his piano a little too hard, he quite often does it when he's in a mood.  I went into the living room and sat on the couch, he didn't say a word to me he just carried on playing.  After sitting there for ages I told him I was just going to get dressed, he didn't say a word so I ran off upstairs.

After getting dressed I came down and as soon as I walked back into the living room he suddenly stopped playing and stood up   "Come on we're going out."  I just followed him, he grabbed his car keys off the table in the hall and we drove off in his car, he still hasn't said a word and our journey was in complete silence.

I did think we were going straight to the hospital but we pulled up outside Alpine's house.  Straight away I guessed what he was doing - reminding me of just exactly what Manderine has done.  The place is bedlam the kids are running rings around Caramel who is pulling her hair out trying to deal with Alpine who now seems to have totally lost the plot, I sat watching him, I never realized he was actually this bad.  Mango told me he has good and bad days and this is definitely one of his bad days.  Alpine didn't have a clue who I was even after he asked and was told about twenty times and all the time we were there he's constantly screaming at Caramel for his dinner, which he has already eaten but has forgotten about,  Caramel tells him he's had his dinner and he goes quiet, a few minutes later he starts again.

When we left I was worn out from just watching what they are going through - poor Caramel, I never realized this is what she has to contend with every day.  "Brain damage."  was all Mango said when we got outside, just as we reached the car he added  "You do know we have all this coming with Lilly don't you IF she ever wakes up!!"  Fudge - no I didn't!!!!  "It's highly unlikely now that she will ever be herself again and the longer she stays in that Coma the more serious it could be!!"  I asked him how serious and regretted it, I think I would rather not have known.  "She could have physical problems, paralysis, speach, sight, hearing or intellect and physiological problems like Alpine, she could even be so badly brain damaged she might sit in a chair doing nothing for the rest of her life and it could be years before she actually recovers after she wakes up - if she wakes up - infections and pneumonia are two of the things we have to be very careful of, they finish a lot of coma patients off." 

My head had already had too much to deal with, when he pulled the car up outside the Cemetery, I guessed there was more to come and Mango was going all the way with this.  We are standing there in silence just looking at Cosmic and the babies graves, it took him ages to say anything.   

"You know I was the one with her, holding her hand when she had that baby, she already knew that Cosmic had faded and she was worrying herself sick about you barely alive and in surgery.  She was scared stiff, her first time having a baby and I don't think she expected what she would have to go through, then when it was all over she was handed a beautiful little boy, he was purple and he had your hair and lillys eyes she told me.  He looked perfect but he was already cold and lifeless, he was too far faded for us to do anything - it nearly broke my heart watching hers breaking.  She got so hysterical we had to keep her sedated for two days, every time she came too she got hysterical again."

he started kicking at the grass  "But you wouldn't have known any of this you were still unconscious while this was going on fighting for your own life, and really when you think about it you have been the luckiest one of all - you've had no permanent damage from what Lime did to you."  he pointed towards Cosmics headstone  "Unlike your best mate over there, because he was your best mate at the time wasn't he - the last thing he knew was probably how hard that car hit him seconds after he saved your life"

"What??!!"  I looked at him a little confused

"After the pair of you pushed Lilly away you were stood side by side - that car was going to hit you both in the same way, he pushed you Prelude out of the way of the car, I watched him do it while he just stood there and took it.  He pushed you far enough that the car only clipped you, if he hadn't you would be lying there right next to him!!"  He looked at me then  "And I'll tell you something I've never told anybody - I just stood there once I knew Lilly was out of the way, that car should have hit me first and I really didn't care - in a way I wanted it to hit me, to put me out of my misery I didn't have anything to live for, he had everything that I wanted, it was Maizie who saved me dragging me out of the way.  Cosmic he had everything to live for - Lilly and the baby so I have never quite worked out why he would try to save you and not himself."

Mango started to walk away then back in the direction of the car while I'm just stood there in shock.  I don't remember too much about the accident, I remember pushing Lilly but after that it was all a blurr until I woke up days later in a hospital bed.

We walked into Lilly's room, I'm still in a daze and can't stop thinking about all the things he's thrown at me today.  Straight away Mulberry started  "What's he doing here??"

"Leave it Mulberry I'm not going to sober him up if you're constantly on his back - why don't you go and spend some time with Ice you need a break you spend way too much time here!!."   The door opened and Forrest walked in.

"AARRR Mango I'm glad you're here I want to show you something - I'm sorry but I'm really not happy with the little one."  I watched Mango's face drop and they both made there way over to one of the monitor and stood in front of it watching and talking medical garbage.  It didn't take me long to realise that they are talking about one of the babies - as they are watching them on the monitor.

I'm standing there listening to them, he's worried that the little one is not very active and its not growing like it should be, they start talking about it not making it and what they are going to do if that happens - my head starts going.  I badly need a drink - I can't cope with all the thoughts running through my head.

"What's wrong with you Prelude??"  Mango asked me.  I didn't realize I'm stood there holding my head, my mind has drifted off and you might guess where - to alcohol and Manderine.  I badly need a drink - Mango's little reminder trip today has done more than remind me its totally mashed my brain - and I've had to have my phone off so that she didn't call me while I'm with Mango, scared he'll go off on one again.  I really am not coping without hearing her voice which makes me feel like a total berry hole when I'm standing here knowing and seeing just how much damage she has actually done to my friends and family.

"Nothing - I've just got a bit of a headache coming"  I lied

"There's a tap over there drink some water, after all the alcohol you've been drinking lately your brains probably dehydrating."  always the doctor!!  Now I had no choice but to go and drink some water.

I spotted Mango sitting down just staring at the floor a far away look on his face and I start to feel really guilty on top of everything he's trying to cope with he has me acting like a total prat!!.  I'm slowly starting to worry about his sanity, he's being doing some out of character things for a while now, I know he hasn't been right since Lilly went down the stairs, but recently I've seen things that really are not him, like the punch in the face he gave me a few days ago - that's not Mango.  I know I'm partly responsible I'm helping to push him over the edge.

"Mango, what's wrong?" 

"One of the babies is not looking too good - if he fades then we're going to have all sorts of problems to contend with, if he goes it's likely they all could - then there's the complications it might cause for Lilly."  He carried on staring at the floor. "We think maybe in those 8 weeks where we didn't know she was pregnant that all the medical procedures that she went through could quite easily have been harmful to the babies.  If by some miracle he does make it - we are going to need a another miracle for him to be a normal child."  I sat there really not knowing what to say to him, I doubt there is anything I could say  "Prelude what did we do to deserve all this?!  Why do I feel like I'm being punished for something!!"

"You didn't do anything Mango - none of this is your fault ........ Manderine did this!!!"

"Yeah Manderine ............ we still need to talk about that don't we!!"  he's still staring at the floor.

"Forget I ever told you - I'm sorting it tomorrow, I'm going to tell her I'm wiping her out of my life, I'll change my phone and I'll never speak to her again - I'll just have to get over it."

"Yeah!!!  like it's that easy"  he said sarcastically  "Prelude you're a fool ..........."  He looked up at Lilly and I can see he's started crying  "I'm sorry Prelude but I really can't deal with your feelings right now, I can barely deal with my own!!"  he struggled to get the words out as he sat there and totally broke down in front of me.

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I'm standing outside the prison - the place where she is going to spend the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how either of us feel - this is the end of the road for us. Her future lies behind those walls and mine doesn't, but it's not just that - she done far too much damage, I can see that now.

Today I need to put an end to it.

 
It will be the end of the road for me as far as my family is concerned if I don't get my act together and get over the bitch.  Mango yesterday made me properly understand the distruction she has cause that we are going to live with for the rest of our lives, yesterday was a wake up call.  Mango is falling to pieces in front of me and I'm a big part of what is pushing him over the edge - he is the one holding our family together and if he goes we all go.  I've got to sober myself up and sort myself out or else I am going to lose everything and just cause everyone even more pain.  I can see myself now where this is all heading.

Why am I going to visit her - Berry only knows!!!  but I just can't help myself - one last time.
But this has to be goodbye.

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I strolled into the waiting room and gave the visiting order to the woman behind the desk.  She looked at it looked me up and down then told me to take a seat someone would call me when she is ready.  I watched her pick up the phone  "DD1976 - Manderine Freeze has a visitor."

I sat down and took out my phone and started browsing the web while I'm waiting.  "Excuse me did you not see the sign when you walked in, no mobiles, can you turn it off please."  the woman behind the desk is looking over her glasses at me.

"Sorry, I didn't see the sign, I'll switch it off now, sorry!!!."  which I did and put my phone back into my pocket, the woman said thanks then started typing away at the computer.

I sat just staring at the bare brick walls, which were making me shudder it felt so cold in here, I'm bored and am wishing they would hurry up.  I'm getting agitated what takes so long to just get her from her cell?  I'm watching the woman typing and she keeps looking up at me eyeing me suspiciously, I suppose a place like this would do that to you, make you suspicious of everyone.

I started laughing at myself in my head, I'm getting quite good at this being polite stuff, at one time I would have told her where to stick her sign and her filthy looks - but I've tried to be "nice" for so long its actually becoming a habit. I've managed to change myself somehow, I just wished now I'd gotten to Manderine before she did all this damage, maybe I might have been able to have stopped her from doing the things she's done .

A guard walked into the room "Manderine Freeze is ready for you now"  I stood up and started to follow him out and down a corridor, he stopped outside a door, without any warning he put his hand up to stop me from going any further which I walked straight into.  I didn't take to kindly to the thump in the chest I'd just received.

"Hey watch it you Jerk!!"  I really don't like the dirty looks he is giving me.

"I need to search you before you go in."  I narrowed my eyes at him because of the way he is speaking to me, like I'm scum - being "nice" to men however takes a lot more of an effort especially when they are rubbing me up the wrong way.  "Search me for what exactly?"  he ignored my question

"Up against the wall arms and legs spread"  he snapped at me as he pushed me in the direction of the wall.  He is really starting to rile me up, that's twice now he's touched me and I really can't hack that. 

"Touch me again and I'll be putting you through that wall."  I glared at him

"You either spread them now or I'll escort you out of the building and you wont be seeing your prisoner - your choice pal."  he got right up in my face.  I so wanted to wipe that smirk off his face.

I stepped back up against the wall and gritted my teeth while he made a meal of checking me over.  I wandered if he was queer as he ran his hand up the inside of my legs taking his time over it, he even had the nerve to look up at me smirking while he is doing it.   I was ready to bring my knee up into his face if he touched something he shouldn't.  The ass has got me now so wound up I'm no longer the nice me anymore.  Lucky for him he didn't touch anything he shouldn't so his teeth got to live in his mouth for a little while longer.

After he finished mauling me he stood up right in front of me and got right in my face  "That wasn't so bad was it"  he's standing too close to me still smirking at me. I'm sure the idiot is trying to rile me up on purpose he's probably having a power trip because of that stupid uniform that he's wearing.  I am so close to loosing it - he still has me pinned up against the wall our faces are inches apart and I can even tell the flavour of his chewing gum because I can smell it, I really can't stand anyone up in my face.

"Move out of my face before I rearrange yours for you!!"  I said through gritted teeth

"Try it pal and you'll find yourself in here and you'll get to see me every day - ask your prisoner in there, I don't give anyone an easy ride!!"  Cocky git - thinks he's hard - I hope I bump into him out on the street because he's getting a piece of me!!

Thankfully he backed off and opened the door pointing for me to go in, as I walked past him I purposefully bumped into him shoulder barging him into the wall.  I took a deep breath and walked through the door.

As soon as I walked into the room and straight away I saw Manderine sat at a table - she is just sat there slouched in her chair staring out of the window, my stomach turned over, she looked miserable and defeated.

"George you want to watch this one he's got attitude."  Just hearing his voice again behind me made me snap and I swung round to face him  "You need to watch your back pal - you're really starting to rile me up big time!!"

"PRELUDE Leave it!!!"  I heard Manderine shout  "It's not worth it!!" I can hear her chair legs scraping on the floor then she has a hold of my arm.  "Where have you been for 4 days, you've phones been switched off, Ive been going crazy!!??"

"I've been busy."  As I turn to face her she jumps on me.  Sugar I really didn't want her to kiss me - I need all the strength I have to do what I came here to do - to say goodbye.

"Freeze put your visitor down and sit, you know the rules!!!"  the other prison guard shouted

I grabbing her and pushed her towards the wall  "Don't touch me bitch!!  she stared at me a little shocked, I'm not sure it's what she expected me to do.  She is trying to push me away but she's not strong enough.  "Do you know what you have done??  Do you??  Messed all of our lives up that's what - especially yours and mine!!!"  She's just staring back at me with wide eyes and says nothing.

"Excuse me sir  - get your hands off the prisoner and sit down!!"  I heard the prison guard shout at me.

"Yes storm you're hurting me, stop it!!"

"Shut up bitch - I should fade you right here and right now for everything you've done!!"  I snapped at her

"But you're not going to are you Storm!!"  she said and she knows as well as I do, I couldn't do it.  I'm not as stupid as she is - I wouldn't risk landing myself in this place for the rest of my life like she has - and for what???!!!!

 I am just way too close to her, I can feel myself going.

She starts smiling at me, that cocky grin of hers.

FUDGE IT!!

Before I even realize what I'm doing I'm kissing her.

"I'm not going to tell you two again - both of you sit down or your visit is over!!"  Our kissing is getting very heated and we are definitely not listening to the guard, I'm lost now, I'm not sure how I'm even going to stop this especially as I know this has to be the last time.

Then I felt the prison guards hands on my arm as he drags me forcefully away from Manderine.

"Sit down now or leave!!"  he said to me, this prison guard is different his face is expressionless I can see he is just doing his job, so I did as he told me to do as much as I hated it.  But I still couldn't resist calling him a Jerk!! as I made my way over to one of the tables.

We just sat staring at each other for a few minutes, I'm waiting for my heart rate to calm down, I can feel it doing overtime - Just looking at her now I don't think I can do this, I can already feel myself back pedaling - I need help!!!  I need her to make me angrier than I already am.

"So how is the colourless freak?"  she asked, straight away she got my back up which is what I wanted and needed to help me do this.

"Like you care - No she hasn't faded yet which is all you really want to know.  She's pregnant you know, shes already had one baby fade because of you - shes having triplets this time and you want to hope to Berry they make it or that will be four babies you've faded - I don't know how you sleep at night!!  But you don't have a conscience do you!!??"

"I would never intentionally hurt a baby, I have my own remember - how was I supposed to know that she is pregnant?!"

"Don't make me laugh!!!!  I doubt it would have made a difference to you even if you had known - she was obviously very pregnant when you drove the car at us that day you faded Cosmic, their baby and nearly finished me off too - I didn't really appreciate waking up on life support!!  What the hell is wrong with you anyway - what did Lilly ever do to you?!"

"She made a fool of me, and more than once, they all did!!  I warned them not to cross me!!"

"You could have slapped them up a little, scared them - anything but fading - what's wrong with you - even I've never gone as far are fading someone no matter how much they have peed me off - it's not worth it!!!  You just seem to do it for fun!!!!"

"You know how it gets, you are just the same as me, a switch trips in my head and I just go, I see red and I can't help it, I can't stop until it's done!!"

"You should have learned to control it - and how stupid were you to tell Alpine about all the stuff you've done in the past, what was that pillow talk you stupid cow!!  It was just your bad luck that he wrote it all down as insurance - you've cabbaged his brain you know, half the time he can't remember 5 minutes ago let alone anything in his past!!!  Because of your blabber mouth and his quick thinking your sentence has been doubled - that's not very clever in my book!!!!"

"If that stupid brother of yours and Ice hadn't jumped on me I wouldn't even be in here now!!  And you was the idiot who told them to grab me!!!"  she snapped at me angrily

"What did you expect me to do, you've used me since the day I met you, my phone and address book you've been through both of them on the quiet, you spike my drink and screw me over just to get at my sister.  Did you think I was just going to let you walk away after everything you've done to people that I care about ......... were you really stupid enough to think you could get me with just one wild night in bed??!!"

"But I did get you - you are sat there now aren't you - where is your loyalty now?  You can't even hate me for what I've done - you love me and you can't deny it ....... you've told me often enough."

"I say too much when I'm drunk!!!  So what - you got me - but not in the way you think - yeah I love you - but what good is that going to do either of us now when you've been stupid enough to got yourself banged up in here for the rest of your life.   You could have quite easily stopped what you did to Lilly that morning - you stood at the top of those stairs and you knew exactly what we had - but you just couldn't help yourself you had to go and do it anyway - you had to go and push Lilly down the stairs pushing with her any future we might have had together."   

"Storm what's rattled your cage - why the attitude?? - I think I much prefer what you say to me when you're drunk!!"

"You and all the things you've done that's what's rattled my cage - You - you've ruined so many lives, my family and my friends and especially mine!!   And stop calling me Storm you know I hate it!!"

She just sat looking at me then she slid her hand across the table and grabbed mine, I snatched it away from her and put my hands were she couldn't reach them.

"Don't touch me Manderine - never touch me again!!"  I snapped at her.

"Why are you being like this Prelude?"

"Don't think because I love you that I'm going sit here like this for the rest of my life staring at you over a table with a prison guard breathing down my neck because I won't!!!!  Today its finished, I'm walking out of here today and you are out of my life completely - no more visits, don't even bother sending me visiting orders or writing to me because I don't live in that house anymore - no more phone calls, this morning I've snapped up my sim card and bought a new one so you can't contact me even if you try."

"You wouldn't!!!!  You can't!!!!"  she started laughing at first she must have thought I was joking but when she saw how serious my face is she stopped laughing.

"I'm sorry I've got no choice its either you or my family.  So the quicker I forget you the better, I'm not losing my family because of you!!  Besides I'm never going to  forgive you for what you have done to everyone, and its not just those that you've hurt either - Caramel is suffering because of what you have done to Alpine - Mango is suffering because of what you've done to Lilly and probably their 3 kids, me and my brother are suffering because of what you've done to Lilly and our nephew who never even got to have a life and Cosmic who's life you stole from him.  I have to look at Ice's scared face every day and remember that you did that.   I might love you but I don't like you very much or the things that you do!!!  We will suffer for the rest of our lives for what you've done!!!" 

I got up then I couldn't sit there any longer looking at her I know if she tries to talk me out of this I'm only going to cave in - I don't want to do this - I have to do this and I have to go now before she starts.  I started walking away.

"Prelude please .............. don't do this"  I bit my lip and kept on walking  "I love you"

"Save it for your husband and kids!!!"

"You'll be back!!  You love me - you won't be able to help yourself!!!!!"

"Don't count on it honey!!"  I put my hand on the door and hesitated for a second, I had to do this - I had no choice even though it hurt like hell, without looking back I pushed the door open and went through it.

I walked out of the room,- it is killing me to walk away.  I've made myself very angry saying all those things to her and the pain in my chest is making me even angrier because I don't want to feel like this.  I need to get out of here and find a wall that I can punch.

That's when I heard the loud crash and the door shook behind me like something had just hit it.  Manderine start yelling and things are getting smashed - I had half expected her to blow a fuse, another reason why I had wanted to get out of there quickly - she's like me when things don't go quite the way we want the first thing we do is throw punches then think later.  A bell starts ringing and a handful of guards come running past me heading in Manderines direction.  I just keep on walking.

The slimy prison guard stops right in front of me making me stop suddenly before I walked straight into him again.  Now what's his game?!  The Jerk!!!!

"Get back in there and shut your bitch up!!"  He chose completely the wrong time to try winding me up again and to call Manderine my bitch - I snapped - I can hear her still going off on one and still smashing things up - my switch tripped and I punched him full force in the face without even thinking.

"I warned you earlier that I'd rearrange your face if you got in mine again, now move out of my way before I totally mess it up!!"  I yelled at him, I've now completely gone, taking all the feelings that are running through me out on the prison guard, I no longer need to find a wall to punch, he's just volunteered himself as a punch bag for me to vent out my frustration.

He stands there spitting out blood from his mouth.  "You've done it now pal!!"

"I'm not your pal and I ain't even started yet!!"  I lunged for him again, he put his hands up to try and protect himself as I delivered a second punch - the wuss is just standing there he isn't even trying to fight back.

I wanted him to fight back, I wanted him to punch me, to hurt me, I wanted to feel physical pain to replace the anger and emotional pain going threw me  "Come on hit me you wuss!!"  I'm getting angrier and angrier because he's not fighting back - even Mango would probably have given me a better fight than this!!!  I just started laying into him, he became that punch bag that I needed.

I felt another pair of hands on my shoulders trying to pull me away, someone is yelling at me to stop, but I am not listening I carry on punching the prison guard that I now have pinned on the floor.

I suddenly felt a hard blow to the side of my head, someone hit me hard in the temple.

I blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song:  Can't Let You Go - Adam Lambert

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