Chapter 32 ~ Gen 1 - Lilly

~ From Where You Are ~

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I'm finishing updating some patient notes on the computer when there is a knock at the door.  It irritates me because I'm in a rush to get them completed so that I can go down to the baby unit.  There is a possibility that Tapestry, the last one of the triplets, could get to go home today and I can't wait to get him out of here and back with his brother and sister, who have already been at home for months.

"Come in"  I yelled as I look up over the top of the monitor towards the door.  Maizie is standing in the doorway.  Great!!  I know exactly why she is here again.   Instantly I wished Lilly was here, I needed to know what she would do in this situation - how would she feel about Preludes latest bombshell??  It's how all this is going to effect Lilly, if she wakes up, that is bothering me the most.

"Mango do you have a minute?"  She came in closing the door quietly behind her and made her way over to the chair in front of my desk and sat down.  There is an awkward silence as we just sit there staring at each other, neither of us speaking, I'm searching her face for an expression, but there isn't one that I can read.  She is smiling - Maizie doesn't really do smiling very often.

"Maizie - If you are here because of Prelude and his green brats you can just get up and go - I've told him like I'm telling you - I've washed my hands of him - this was just the last straw!!!!"  I watched her eyes narrow and an all too familiar look washed over her face, one that I've never really liked  "And I don't appreciate you coming here to do his dirty work for him, I've got enough problems of my own without having to clean up his mess!!"

"Boy he is right - you have changed!!  Brats!!?? Only one of them is green by the way one of the twins is completely purple."  The tone of her voice suddenly and just her being here is starting to irritate me, it brings back too many things that I'd rather forget .... knowing she is here trying to plead Preludes case irritates me even more.

"I couldn't give a flying monkeys what damn colour they are, as well you know, I don't see colour, I just know they are HER brats!!!!  And you expect me to look after HER babies while my own might never get to have their Mother because of HER!!!!.  You are off your heads the pair of you even thinking I would do this!!!!"

"I wander what the old Mango would have said?" she said sarcastically

"The old Mango doesn't exist any more - SHE made sure of that!!!"  I banged my hand on the desk  "Maizie you can go tell Prelude he made his bed - he can lie in it!!!"  she sat there just staring at me, showing no intention of going  "Now is that all?  I'm busy!!"

"You know its only Prelude and those babies you are spiting - they are going to be placed in care and because they weren't married and with Preludes record he doesn't have a hope in hells chance of getting them without a fight that might take years if ever he gets them back.  Those babies didn't ask to be born, they didn't chose their parents and at the end of the day they are your nephews whether you like it or not - your kids cousins - Lilly's flesh and blood."  She sat there waiting for a response from me but she didn't get one.  One thing I definitely haven't missed about Maizie is our arguments and I have no intention of having one with her now!!  "You are the only thing standing between them having a life with their family and one of their parents or spending the rest of their lives in care - the old Mango would never have been able to live with himself, he would never have sat by and let those babies go into the system of a lifetime of children's homes and foster care!!  He is only asking you for 3 months not the rest of your life!!!!"

"Have you quite finished??"  I snapped at her  "You know where the door is!!!!  Goodbye Maizie!!!"  She stood up and made her way towards the door.    She stopped, with her hand on the door handle but she didn't turn to look at me.


"I am taking the twins to see Prelude at 1pm on Thursday, that will be the one and only time he gets to see them before I place them into care and he loses them completely.  I'll draw up the papers just in case you gain a conscience between now and then - you know where I'll be - Thursday 1pm."  She slipped out the room without saying another word closing it quietly.  I just sat staring at the door I would have expected her to slam it like she always used to, but she didn't.  I threw a pen at the door.  They have a nerve the pair of them!!!!

Straight away there is another knock at the door - I thought maybe she is coming back for seconds, its not like Maizie to be so calm and composed.  "What Now??!!"  I yelled as the door started to open.

It wasn't Maizie but a nurse,  "I'm Sorry, I thought you was somebody else!!"  I felt stupid now, I'd just bitten that poor nurses head off for no fault of her own,  then I realized, she is one of the nurses who looks after Tapestry.  "Tapestry is okay isn't he?"

"I'm sorry but Dr Swan sent me up to tell you, he won't be discharging Tapestry today, he's not taken his bottles again today and Dr Swan has a few concerns, he wants to keep him in for some more tests, he says can you to pop down and see him when you have a minute."

GREAT!!!!

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After spending over an hour talking to the doctor in charge of Tapestry's care, I now have a load more thing to worry about.  As well as him not taking his bottles from the nurses and having to keep being fed by an iv line, he's not responding to things like a baby should.  He just lies there, he doesn't laugh, smile, cry - nothing - its like he is not in there - the lights are on but nobody is home -  I'm worried now that he may be brain damaged or there might be some underlying medical condition from him being so tiny when he was born.  Hense he is booked in for another round of tests tomorrow that I'm going to have to rearrange my theatre schedual to attend.  And yet again there is a delay in him going home.

Health wise he is fine, he is not in any danger any more other than he won't take his feeds, physically he is okay, I think it's his mental state that might be the problem.  We thought maybe a change of environment and spending some time away from the baby unit with me might be something that he needs.

I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like and he's got a constant stream of different doctors and nurses around him all the time, the poor kid doesn't know if he is coming or going - he doesn't really have anyone to bond with like all the other babies in the unit who constantly have one parent or the other with them day in and day out.  This is when he needs Lilly most, but Tapestry only has me and it is impossible for me to be with him 24/7 there is only so far that I can stretch myself between work, Lilly and the other two babies and Affair at home .......... and its not far enough especially for Tapestry, which makes me feel really guilty.

I decided to take him to visit Lilly.

It doesn't matter how many times I've done it in the past, it always hits me in exactly the same way  every single time that I walk into this room - like a kick in the stomach.   A lump starts growing in my throat and an unbearable pain sticks in my chest, I can already feel the tears starting to sting my eyes - every time I just want to breakdown and cry, it is tearing me apart to see her just lying there like that - an empty shell.  The worst part is not knowing if she will ever, and even how much of her will come back.

I'm scared of a lot of things - never hearing her voice again, never holding her or kissing her ..... I'm scared that I am going to be spending the rest of her life sitting here seeing her but being alone without her.  What scares me the most is that she will never wake up to see her three babies and that they will never see her any other way than a sleeping shell.  They never even got to hear her voice, she spent most of her pregnancy sleeping - babies bond with their mothers voice when they are in the womb, they never even got to do that.

"Here you go Lilly, I've brought Tapestry to see you today, I told you I would get to sneak one of them in to see you one of these days."  I said as I placed him on the bed next to her.  "But don't tell Forrest he'll probably go mad if he catches us here!!"

I've spent hours sat here holding her hand and talking to her, reading to her, waiting for the slightest sign that she can hear me, a sign that she is still in there somewhere, but she never moves a muscle.  Wherever she is right now - it is definitely not here with us - her body maybe but the rest of her isn't and I really miss her.

I sit staring at them both as I'm nattered away mainly to Lilly.  The pain in my chest is becoming unbearable, it feels like I can actually feel my own heart breaking.  They are both lying there completely motionless, it's like they are both locked into their own little worlds, and I'd give anything to be able to bring them out of it.

Tapestry's eyes are open and completely still, there isn't the slightest flicker of movement - he's just staring off into space and he doesn't make the slightest sound. Coral and Mosaic are never quiet or still for a minute, if either of them were lay here they would be kicking and flapping their little arms about, I'd be worrying about them falling off the bed, but not Tapestry, he's going nowhere.

Lilly lies there with her eyes closed - Berry only knows where she is right now - all she ever does is breath for herself, and I'm always scared that one day she will even stop doing that for herself, then she will have to be put on full life support and I'm not sure I could handle seeing her like that. 

The pair of them are worrying me sick - I am slowly beginning to feel like I'm losing my mind, there is only some much a person can take and its been over 12 months of blow after blow and I really don't know how much more of it I can take.

I have a nasty feeling that I might know one of Tapestry's problems.  I waved my hand a short distance above his face, but there isn't the slightest flicker of movement from him or his eyes.  I think he might be as "blind as a bat" like I am, I can't see a hand in front of my face without my contact lenses.  An even worse thought crossed my mind - he might even be totally blind.  I guess I will find out when they have run all the tests on him.   Then if he can actually see - there is going to be the colour blindness - I expect both of the boys to have inherited that, but I don't really worry over Coral being colourblind its very rare for girls to inherit it.  I really hate the thought that he has to go through yet another round of tests, he's been through too much already - none of this is fair!!!

I am nattering away when suddenly Tapestry made a funny noice, like a cough, so quiet I barely heard it, at first I thought I might even have imagined it.  I stopped talking and sat listening, then I clearly heard him make the sound again.

"Oh so the little man can speak after all!!"  I said as I leaned over him laughing, tickling him under his chin.  As soon as I took my hand away from him he did it again, a little louder this time.

I lifted him off the bed and held him right up close to my face, trying to look at his eyes.  "So there is life in there somewhere, you know you are not like your brother and sister - they never shut up, when I take you home they might well give you a headache!!"   That got me thinking  "That's if you can actually hear anything, I'm beginning to wander if its not just your eyes that we have a problem with!!!"   he actually laughed at me - or was that wind??  I carried on talking to him  "Plus we have another little noisy madam in the house now too - Juniper your little cousin she never shuts up either!!"  he laughs at me again and started flapping his little arms when I brought him up close to my face, this made me feel a little better, I think he can see something at least.  "You're as blind as a bat like me aren't you!!  Or is my face really that funny!!??"  This is the most movement I've ever had out of him.

I spotted the bottle I'd left on the side - I should have kept trying him with it but it had totally slipped my mind.  So used to demanding cry's when its time for feeding - of course Tapestry hasn't yet worked out how to cry - no one has heard him cry since he arrived in theatre, the only one time he has cried.  I picked up the bottle and the milk is now cold.  I didn't expect him to take it but he did.  I've seen him spit it out so many times before - but he's actually drinking this one.  "So you can do it!!!  I wander why you are playing up for the nurses??"  He only drank an ounce of milk before he started spitting it out - but an ounce is better than nothing.

I heard the door open

"Son you know you shouldn't have that baby in here!!  Are you stupid?!"  Dad said as he walked into Lilly's room  "Prelude has phoned me, he wants you to answer your phone to him, he says you're ignoring his calls."

I looked at Dad, who looks slightly amused "You know why don't you - Mom has told you about his latest bombshell hasn't she?!"

"His and Lime's twins - yes she's told me and he wants you to look after them till he gets out - that's a tough one that!!"  he started smiling  "You know we don't mind if that's what you are worrying about, me and you're Mother are quite enjoying having babies in the house, although six of them, when that little one comes home, is going to be a little tough going!!"

"There is nothing tough about it - I'm not doing it!!!  He can sort his own brats out!!!"  Dad just looked over his glasses at me, with that "I'm disappointed with you" look of his.

"Maybe we should talk about it later at home!!!"  I shook my head at him and he just stood there looking at me for a minute, then he looked down at the baby.  "So why do you have Tapestry in here?"

"I wanted him to spend some time with Lilly, he really needs her at the moment and I thought maybe if he cried a little it might help her wake up - but this one doesn't seem to cry, he's not like the other two."  he started to look amused again  "They have started to notice things about him on the baby unit that are worrying, they are not discharging him today he needs more tests, Dad I think there is something wrong with him - I think he might even be blind and deaf or brain damaged."

"You know Mango I think you need to take a break you are beginning to lose the plot, I'm not sure you are thinking rationally anymore!!!  he started laughing at me  "I've noticed how you are not eating or sleeping properly and you are going to be burning yourself out soon if you are not careful - you are doing far too much and over thinking everything!!"

"What choice do I have??!!  You fix Tapestry for me and wake Lilly up - then we can get back to having a normal life!!"  I snapped at him - really what does he expect me to do  "I need to be here with Lilly and Tapestry as well as work and at home to look after the other two and Affair - I'm doing the best that I can without cutting myself in two!!  You tell me what I can do to make my life easier and I'll do it!!!"

"So how is Lilly today?  Any change?"  he asked ignoring what I'd just said to him, no doubt something else that he is going to bend my ear over when we are at home later.

"No change."  I am staring at the machine and something came to me that I've been running through my head for a few days.  "Dad, how much do you think one of those machines would cost to buy?"

"I don't know - why?"

"I'm going to ask the hospital to loan me some of these machines, if they won't,  I'm going to buy them and take Lilly home."

"HAVE YOU GONE MAD??!!"

"No she's been lying there for 12 months now and day after day nothing ever changes - there is no reason now why she should still be in that coma, it's not like she is at deaths door anymore because she isn't, I've been running it through my head for a while now and I've got it all worked out, there are three of us medically trained - I want to take her home."

"I'm going to call your Mother to come and take you home, I said earlier I think you're beginning to lose the plot - I was wrong - you've already lost it!!"  he started tutting, then he got angry  "Taking Lilly home is the stupidest thing I've heard you say yet - and I won't let you do it!!!"

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Song ~ From Where You Are - Lifehouse

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