Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Chapter 21 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~ Going Under ~

Just a note:  I did plan a very different chapter here - a chapter of Lilly's doom and gloom after losing Cosmic and the baby.  I have sat struggling with it for nearly two weeks so I have scrapped it.  After the death of my own Mother in real life this subject is a little too close to home and I want to move away from it as soon as I can, or I'll be sitting here driving myself insane over it.  While I've struggled over chapter 21 that was I've managed to write another 10 chapters into the future and I want to get on with it.  I seriously didn't expect this generation to be so long!!!!   There are plenty of generation to come that will no doubt have doom and gloom chapters so I am sure this one will not be missed.   So Mango is stepping in to set the ball rolling on the rest of Lilly's generation.


I thought I knew what I was doing - now I'm not so sure I do!!

I managed to scrape together every last bit of strength that I had to do the right thing for me.
I need to get away, put some distance between me and Lilly, I am never going to move on from the way I feel about her with her around me every day. It's what I should have done when we left school.

So what happens - I finally get around to doing something about moving away and HE goes and fades.  HE being the main reason for me to be moving away so that I didn't have to watch them together which was tearing me apart.  The other reason, she doesn't love me and I doubt she ever will - I need to get over it forget about her and move on - this is the hardest part - even though I am torturing myself seeing her everyday, the thought of not seeing her everyday is killing me.

I get the job that I applied for - Now what do I do???  HE has gone, she is free she is alone, she is grieving, she needs me as a best friend to help her through this -  and what am I doing -  I'm bailing on her.

Now maybe there might be a chance for me - Now HE has gone - could things change?  If I go am I throwing away maybe the only chance to find out if she can ever love me?  I could be making a big mistake by leaving - how will I really know what is the best thing for me.

Every minute I am near her I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker until I know I won't be able to trust myself any more.

Lilly is lulling around on the couch, lying there none stop crying which is nothing new, just staring at the photograph of Cosmic that is sitting on the coffee table.  Me and Prelude are both sat watching her in silence really not knowing what we can do to pull her out of this mood, she seems to be getting worse not better and I don't know exactly how much this is hurting Prelude but its tearing me apart, I wish I could take all her pain away just to see her smile again.

Finally the tears start slowing down and her head falls onto the sofa as she drops off to sleep.  It is like a kind of relief to see her sleeping, the tears stop flowing and she looked almost peaceful, far from the tormented look that she wears whenever she is awake.

"Your a doctor - how can we fix her - you don't think she is going insane do you - I've never seen anyone get this bad after a fading!!!"  Prelude asked me

"She's lost a baby too remember, I think we are forgetting that sometimes, its not just Cosmic,  I've seen some women get really down after they have lost babies, she's not going insane she's just taking it all very hard."  we sat in silence for a few minutes just watching her sleeping  "I suppose I could get her some counselling - that should help."

"Good idea."  he said then he turned to me his mouth twisting like something is troubling him  "You know some of this is your fault!!"  I looked at him a little confused, what have I done??  "I know one thing that would help her - you not going to where ever it is you're running off too!!"

"Waterfall Valley and I doubt very much she even has room in her head to worry about me leaving, she's too wrapped up in her grief."

"See that's where you are wrong, I've heard her talking in her sleep a few times now, you would expect it to be Cosmic that she is muttering about wouldn't you,"  he paused for a moment " but its not, it's you most of the time - I wander why that might be?"  He gave me the strangest look but I was too taken aback by what he had just said to worry about what he might be thinking.  She has not mentioned me leaving since the hospital, I just thought she has accepting it and is getting on with it.  "Stand here long enough and you'll probably hear it for yourself!!"

The doorbell rang just as Affair started screaming to be let out of his cot, while Prelude got Affair I answered the door.

I opened the door to find Alpine standing on the other side.  "How is Lilly?"  he asked so I presumed he has come round to visit.

"She's not good, come in maybe you can cheer her up a bit."  I started wandering if Sunny would be able to bring her out of her shell, dancing just might be what could put a smile on her face even if it is for just a little time, its a start.

"Hang on Mango it was actually you that I was after and I don't really want Lilly hearing this."  Mmm I don't like the sound of this. "We have been getting some really nasty text threats from you know who."

"I've had a few silent calls but no text as yet - what is the berry hole saying?"  I asked him

"Well most of the threats are aimed at Lilly - here I'll show you"  he took his phone out of his pocket and clicked up the first text and handed me the phone.  I started reading the first one "Check the others while you're there."  They were all pretty similar basically Lilly is next as she missed her last time and she's going to suffer the same fate as Cosmic and the baby.

"How the FUDGE does she know about Lilly's baby???" I think there is something fishy going on here!!!

"I don't know, It's like she's getting inside info from somewhere, its the only way that I can think she has got all of our phone numbers from someone who knows all of us - she is actually scaring me now, I know what she is capable of, I have two kids to worry about.   Mango we need to put a stop to this and soon - and I haven't told you the worst of it yet - I've actually seen her, here in town."

"Where?  When?"  We knew she had to be in town somewhere, we knew it had to be her who drove that car at us, but up to now not one of us have layed eyes on her - how could she hide in such a small town - we were beginning to question our own sanity.

"This morning, she stalked me for hours around the town and at the park, I don't think she realised I'd clocked her at first,  if I'd been alone I'd have confronted her but i had Cinnamon and I couldn't really confront her with a toddler in tow - but now I'm feeling really uneasy that she's seen my kid - we shouldn't have to live like this!!!"

"I know, I think we need to take those text to the police station, at least they prove she was responsible for Cosmic's fading and don't you have other stuff to tell them, now that Cosmic is not here, there is nothing stopping us any more from protecting ourselves properly - we are never going to be safe until she is locked up and they have thrown away the key!!"

"I'm on my way round to Sunny's, I think you should come too, they have got texts too we thought we'd go to the station together, he's going out of his mind worrying about his kids too since Cosmic ....."

I am now really worried for Lilly's safety and want to do everything I can to get Lime locked up and out of harms way.   I grabbed Lilly's phone, as she has text messages from Lime sent before Cosmic faded, she  is sleeping still so with Preludes help we manage to get it off her without disturbing her and I headed off out with Alpine.

I am furious when I get back to Lilly's house I stormed in and woke her up rather abruptly from where she is still sleeping on the couch.  I'm too angry with her to think that this is the first time she has slept for so long in weeks and I should have waited and let her sleep.

"What in Berry's name are you playing at Lilly, we are worrying ourselves sick over you and you go and pull a stupid stunt like this - don't you realise the danger you have been putting yourself in!!!??"  I found myself yelling at her and I hated it but thinking about what could have happened I'm too angry and upset not too, the mood she is in lately I doubted she would have listened to me any other way anyway.

"WHAT?!"  she yelled back at me looking confused and still half asleep - I suppose I did go in there all guns blazing.  Prelude ran in when he heard the shouting but he just stood and listened.

"This is your phone - you have some rather nasty death threats on here from that slimy woman that you have received and read since Cosmic faded!!   Why have you not said anything??  If Alpine hadn't come round earlier we wouldn't have known about this seeing as you obviously were not going to tell us!!!  You have been wandering around out there alone, you've been spending hours in the graveyard alone - well it stops right now!!"

"You can't tell me what to do!!!!  How dare you go through my phone!!!" she screamed at me

"You was sleeping, I thought you wouldn't mind seeing as we took all the phones to the police station - we need to get Lime locked up as soon as - she needs to pay for what she did to Cosmic and stop her from fading anyone else - everyone has had these threats all but me so far and YOU need protecting!!"

"I don't care what she does to me any more - just let her get me - then maybe she will leave the rest of you alone."  Rip my heart out why don't you!!!!  This made me angry - how could she even be talking like this?

"How can you even say that??  What about the people who care about you and love you??!!"  I started yelling at her

"What like you, you mean ........ you who loves me SO much you're on the first plane out of here, just when I need you most, you can't wait to get away can you, so don't stand there trying to pretend you care about me now!!!"

"You know that's not true - I think you know exactly why I'm going - this has been on the cards since we left school - and as usual my timing stinks - I don't want to go - I have to for my own sanity!!"  she was making me so mad I could feel myself fighting back tears - I really didn't want to be fighting with her.

"Just GO Mango ...... JUST GO ...... don't drive yourself insane on my account  ...... JUST GO!!!!  she screamed at me then started to breakdown.  I automatically went to put my arms around her, I hate seeing her sobbing, especially now I've caused it, she pushed me away and ran out of the room and out of the house.

"Now tell me she isn't stewing over you going!!!!"  Prelude stood there just staring at me  "I knew this was not all just about Cosmic and the baby - you have made this a whole lot harder for her you know that don't you!!!"

Here goes another guilt trip!!!!  I realised I still had her phone in my hand.  "I'll go find her - I don't want her out there alone especially without her phone - here you better read the texts on her phone."  I passed Prelude Lilly's phone then legged it out of the house to find Lilly - I think I know where she will be.

I ran all the way to the cemetery and there she is sitting exactly where I thought she would be.  She is sat there sobbing out loud, I sat down behind her and for a while stayed silent just listening to her sobbing, until I couldn't take it any longer,  she is here all the time torturing herself and in the process she is torturing me too.

"Lilly"  she ignored me

"I'm sorry!!"  still she ignored me

"You know Cosmic wouldn't want you to do this to yourself!!" and he wouldn't, for weeks she has withdrawn into a world where nobody can get to her, she cries, doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, doesn't talk to anyone - he would hate to see her like this as much as I do.  I'm halfway to leaving and I'm wandering how I am ever going to be able leave her behind if she is still like this.

It is obvious she is going to keep ignoring me so I got up and sat down beside her  "I hate seeing you like this please Lilly talk to me ........"

"Why should I!!" she snapped at me

"Prelude thinks my leaving is upsetting you, so we need to talk about it."

"Of course it's upsetting me, more than you can probably imagine, did you think that it wouldn't, you are right about one thing, your timing - as usual - stinks to high heaven!!"

"You still haven't told me why you are leaving, and don't say I know why because I'm sick of hearing that - I want you to tell me why, and don't say its not the right time either, your right time will be after you have already gone when it's too late for me to stop you."

"Lilly ..........."  I stopped myself, I was going to say both of those things, this really is one conversation I didn't want to have with her before I left.   "You know I love you and I can't take being around you any more knowing we will never be anything other than friends, you don't know how much it hurts me ever day being around you, I need to move away and put some distance between us, then maybe I can move on and at least try to be happy, I will never be happy being around you because you don't love me."

"But I do love you."

"Yes like a brother, like a best friend, you know damn well that's not the way I want you to love me."

"Take me with you  - I could try." she said suddenly, had she not just listed to what I had said??

"If I took you with me then what would be the point of me going in the first place, besides I'm moving to a town where there is a colour code .......... and you can't try or make yourself  love someone, it just happens, and you say that now but what happens in time when you meet someone you do fall in love with, I couldn't put myself through watching that again and you will look around and be glad that I'm gone - the idiot who has already stayed around too long on the off chance."

"You are really set on going aren't you!!!  I wish there was something I could do to make you stay because I don't think I'm going to survive without you, you don't know how much this is hurting me, I'm grieving for three people and its not fair, why is everyone I care about leaving me!!"

I'm not fading -  you don't need to grieve for me - its not like you are never going to see or speak to me again!!!  I just need time and space to sort myself out, to get over you, I will probably come back some time in the distant future when I've moved on.

"You won't you are leaving me forever just like they have!!"

She started to cry loudly and I really wished she wouldn't, she's pulling on my heart strings and making me weak, I didn't want her to say anything else she has already said too much, I needed to get out of here and away from this conversation, much more and I'd be promising to stay, she already has me fighting with myself.  The pain in my chest is getting stronger and I'm starting to fight to stop the tears again.

I tried to tell myself she wouldn't be getting this upset over me if she wasn't already weak from grieving, she wouldn't have batted an eyelid at me leaving if Cosmic was still here - we were on the verge of not even being on talking terms before Cosmic faded - I tried to tell myself all this but it didn't make me feel any better.

I stood up, I needed to get out of here now.  She stood up and threw herself at me  "I really don't want you to go!!"

"I know!!"

"I'm so tired I can't think straight!!!"  she said

"Come on I'll take you home, I'm sorry I should never have woken you up like that earlier."

We started to walk out of the cemetery,  Lilly is dragging her feet a little,  I can see how tired she is so I swung her up into my arms and carried her home.  She fell straight to sleep and I had to put her down on the sofa carefully trying not to wake her up.

"Where did you find her?"  Prelude asked

"In the Cemetery, she fell asleep on me, she's exhausted."  We both just stood there watching her again lost in our own thoughts, we were beginning to make a habit of this.

"Berry - I'd love to get my hands on this Lime woman, Mango how are we ever going to fix her?"  Prelude was asking me an impossible question that I couldn't answer.  I stood there praying that he was not going to go on about me leaving again - I'm not sure I can take any more guilt trips.

Suddenly the door swung open and Mulberry came bursting in.

"W.T.F!!!  Where did you come from  How did you get here??"  Prelude was as surprised to see Mulberry as I am.  I am actually glad that there is a distraction so that I don't have to talk to Prelude, I need to pull myself together because I'm cracking up inside.

"Mom and Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't stop them,they are just parking the car - Wow you two look like you have been scrapping, what's up with Mango's face?"

"He fell - Fudge!!!  Mulberry you know how Lilly feels about them - this is the last thing that she needs right now she's not coping very well as it is!!!."

"I'm sorry I did try to stop them and they are planning on staying for a week I though I had better warn you!!"  Mulberry said, I wandered how Lilly was going to take to this news.

"GREAT!!!  They might have checked with me first before they just turned up on my doorstep - I told them there was no point them coming - why didn't they listen!!!"  Prelude started to sound pretty angry

"It's your own fault Prelude, you told us about Cosmic and the baby - you didn't tell them about what happened to you though did you!!! - why didn't you tell us that the car also hit you and you nearly faded too???"

"How did they find out??  I didn't tell them on purpose because I knew what they would do - come here and start fussing and I was right wasn't I,  I didn't want them here fussing and Lilly definitely wouldn't!!  I only told them about Cosmic and the baby because you needed to know before your next visit."

"Violet is still down as your next of kin, the hospital contacted her as there was nobody with you to start with - she kept phoning the hospital and checking up on you until you was discharged.  When she brought Wisty round to visit she started talking about it, she thought they would already knew - you know what Mom's like, it's sent her into a right tizzy she gave Dad a headache until he brought us here."

"This is going to be just awful!!!"  Prelude said

Mulberry laughed  "Yes I know - oh and a surprise for you, they thought it might cheer you up - Vi and Wisty are in the car too."

"WHAT!!??  Wisteria is HERE?!"  Mulberry nodded  "Yeah I get it, their way to leave me no choice but to let them stop the week!!  Very clever - who's idea was that??  Mom's??"  Mulberry started laughing  "Yeah it would be something she'd do, she knows I'm not going to say no to my daughter being here for a week!!  Lilly is going to go ballistic - I hope you're ready for some fireworks kid because now you are going to see exactly what our family was all about before you arrived!!"

I stood up feeling awkward that their family was about to pile in and I thought it was time I made myself scarce anyway, they wouldn't want me intruding in there family domestic and I could see there is one coming, but I worried about how Lilly is going to react when she wakes up. I started making my excuses to leave and Prelude stopped me.

"No Mango, please don't go, I'm going to need you, can you carry her upstairs, she's going to freak out  if she wakes up and Mom and Dad are sitting here.  She will also need warning before she comes downstairs - do you mind?"  

I picked her up just as they walked in through the front door, her parents both just stood there staring at me holding Lilly, I already didn't like the look on her Dad's face.  She started to stir in my arms so I quickly headed towards the stairs and when I got her upstairs lay her on the couch in her room.  She stirred again then opened her eyes straight away.

"What is going on?  why did you move me?"  She sat up looking very confused.

"I'm Sorry, you are not going to like this - your parents are downstairs, they just turned up and they are planning to stay for a week according to Mulberry."  I guessed she was going to take this badly I just wasn't prepared for how badly.


She suddenly drew herself up into a ball like she was crawling back into that isolated world that she has built for herself.  I've had more conversation out of her today than in all the days since Cosmic faded and now she is just sat there again staring at me, tears rolling down her face refusing to speak.  I sit silently too my mind racing all over the place, I can feel my strength leaving me - if only I could tear myself in half - how am I ever going to leave her in this state with all this going on?? .

I can hear the racket going on downstairs and I can see how unhappy she is with this.   I'm worrying that this might just be the thing to tip her over the edge, I saw a little purple child come in, that is going to upset her, she has struggled with Affair being in the house since she lost her baby, a purple child is going to be even worse.  I know how she feels about her parents and she has enough going on in her head without adding them to it.

My phone started ringing I answered it quickly, always in the habit of not checking - it's more than likely from the hospital.  My eardrum nearly burst by the hysterical voice screaming at me, so hysterical I didn't recognise the voice at first, I pulled the phone away from my ear to look at the name on the screen.

"Calm down - speak slowly so I can understand you!!!"  I had to shout over her hysterical voice, she is rambling and I couldn't make out a word that she is saying, not helped by screaming children in the background

"Mango help him please!!!  there is blood everywhere - you have to help him ....."

"What happened?? Where are you???"

"Outside the Bistro - Lime - she just drove the car at us - I saw her - he needs help ........ Please, he's just lying there .......!!"

"Have you phoned for an ambulance?"  I'm trying to keep myself calm but I'm not doing a very good job of it.

"Yes - they are here already - you have to help him."

"Keep calm, they will do what's best for him - I'll meet you at the hospital."

My pager started bleeping

FUDGE!!!!!  I snapped off the phone, checked my pager and quickly dialed the extension number flashing on screen, my fingers shaking so badly, slowing me down - this can't be happening

A familiar voice spoke back at me  "You're needed in theatre - an emergency c section and we have a hit and run coming in - your choice."

"I'll take the hit and run"  I'm not supposed to, I know him personally, but I just can't stand around and do nothing while another surgeon is in theatre with him, I'll go out of my mind.

"This is a tough one - you've got a young adult male, head trauma, internal bleeding, spinal injuries and multiple breaks and fractures - not good - ETA 4 minutes - you ok with that."

"On my way - 5 minutes tops"  I snapped my phone shut - thank Berry Lilly lives directly opposite the hospital it will take only 2 minutes for me to leg it across the road.

Lilly stood up "What's happening, who were you talking to??"  She looked really worried, and my head went, she really does not need this on top of everything else - when is this ever going to stop???.

"Lime drove right at them - I'm really sorry to leave you like this but I have to go he needs me in theatre - he's in a right mess - it doesn't sound good - Oh Berry Please not again!!"

"NO!!!! WHO?  Mango WHO??"  She started to cry



Song - Going Under - Evanescence

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Chapter 20 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~ In a Perfect World ~

I woke up slowly feeling a little groggy, the bright lights blinding me when I first opened my eyes, confusing me for a few seconds - then it hit me - remembering where I am and why, wishing that I had never woken up at all.  I closed my eyes again and just lay there trying to wish it all away, but knew the next time I opened my eyes nothing would have changed.  I wandered how I had even managed to get any sleep considering, then I remember Mango jabbing me with a needle, he had sedated me because I had been hysterical after they took my faded baby away, he was born without any life, the only thing I had left of Cosmic - both of them gone, I don't know which one is the hardest to take.   The last thing I remember was collapsing into Mango's arms before everything went black.

I could hear a constant tapping noise, it sounds like somebody is typing away on a computer keyboard, probably a doctor or nurse, then I heard the door open and footsteps walking across the room, but I kept my eyes closed I wasn't ready to face the world, not sure I would ever be able to face the world again without Cosmic.  I just lay there and listened.

"Prelude did he make it?"  I heard a familiar voice say - Maizie - she must have been the person on the computer keyboard because when she spoke the tapping stopped.  I heard chair legs scraping across the floor, I imagined her getting up out of her chair to face the person she is talking to and who hadn't yet spoken or answered the question, that I desperately wanted an answer too  I presume she got a nod or a shake of the head as the person she spoke to didn't speak in reply.  I was so scared that I was going to lose Prelude too, that was the only thing stopping me from opening my eyes and asking the question myself, the thought of being told he has faded too - I seriously couldn't cope with. .

"She should be awake by now, I didn't give her that much sedative,  you have been checking on her haven't you?"  I heard Mango's voice and could tell he is standing really close to my bed.  I felt slightly comforted that he is still here, but the tone of his voice is strange, and I didn't have any idea what it meant. 

"Of course!!!"  Maizie snapped.  The room fell silent for a moment then suddenly I felt his warm hand softly touching my face, he ran his fingers gently across my cheek.  I struggled to keep my face still under his touch, I didn't want him to know that I am awake yet.   His hand left my face the second that Maizie started to shout at him.

"Mango, you seriously need to get a grip, look at you, you can't even hide it can you!!"  Maizie sounded really angry

"You should go home, there are plenty of nurses around and you shouldn't be here, get some sleep your next shift starts in six hours."  Mango said completely ignoring what Maizie had just shouted at him.

"OH NO!!  You and me have something to finish discussing remember, in fact we have a few things that need discussing after some of the things you've done today - I'll leave when you do!!"  the tone of Maizie's voice is not pleasant, it sounds like Mango is in some sort of trouble, actually it sounds like he is in a lot of trouble.

"That can wait, don't you think, I've got much more important things to worry about right now!!"  Mango snapped.  I felt very guilty for lying here listening to their private conversation and wished now I'd opened my eyes when he had touched my face.  If they knew that I was actually awake they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.

"WHAT!?  HER!? I might have known - HER again!!!!"  Maizie is now virtually yelling at him.  "I still can't believe you grabbed for her when you realised that car was going to hit us - it should have been ME you wanted to protect not HER!!!  You are so stupid you would have just stood there and let that car hit you like Cosmic did - wouldn't you, and it would have done if I hadn't pulled you out of the way, you stood there like an idiot making sure she got out of the way.  I saved your life today and don't you forget that!!"

"If all you are going to do is lay into me, why did you even bother??" Mango snapped quite nastily, it shocked me I've never heard him speak to anyone so nastily before, even with our latest bickering he has never been anywhere near so nasty.

"Sometimes I wander, especially when I have to find out from another nurse that you are leaving this hospital and moving to berry knows where, I thought I am supposed to be your girlfriend, we live together for Berry's sake - how stupid do you think I felt when I didn't even know you were planning on moving away - what were you planning to do -  just up sticks and disappear on me??"

"I've told you already I've only applied for the job - I doubt I'll even get it so there is actually nothing to discuss yet is there!!! ."

"Well there is a fax on your desk that says otherwise - you have been offered the job, so congratulations you are moving a million miles away from here  ......... tell me something - did you ever plan to ask me to go with you or is this just your way out, you've never really taken our relationship seriously have you!!"

It went quiet for a minute before he spoke again  "Just go home Maizie, where we will discuss this later,  I'll send a nurse in to relieve you, you're probably not the best person to be here when she wakes up anyway, I'm going to check on Prelude, I don't want you here when I get back!!!!"

I heard footsteps crossing the room again  "Don't you walk away from me - I'm not finished with you yet!!"  Maizie shouted

"We are at work Maizie, I'm not doing this here!!"  Mango said then I heard the door open  "Have me paged when she wakes up"  the door closed and he was gone and the room fell into silence for a few moments.

I just carried on lying here, I had to, I didn't want her to know I'd just listened to them arguing.  I heard Maizie mumble under her breath then go back to tapping away at the computer like she had been before Mango appeared.  Virtually straight away the door opened and somebody walked in "Dr Muffin told me to take over."  a woman spoke, but Maizie sent her away telling her she is fine and is waiting until he returns.  The woman didn't question Maizie she just left the room again.

The room went totally silent, I lay still willing Maizie to make some sort of noise to distract me from having to think about reality.  No sound came and everything came slamming back into my head, visions of Cosmic and Prelude lying motionless on the ground, not knowing at the time that Cosmic had already faded and Prelude was bearly  hanging on, the pain of childbirth totally forgotten when it's replaced with a greater pain  from having to watch my little purple baby lying there lifeless while they tried to get him to breath - in the dark I am reliving everything that has happened since I crawled out of the hydrangea bush.   I tried to get rid of those thoughts by rerunning Maizie and Mango's conversation - but I couldn't get past the part about Mango getting another job and moving away - he is going to leave me just like Cosmic and the baby have.  I couldn't stand it any longer, the pain in my chest became unbearable, I opened my eyes and sat up, feeling the panicking building up inside me, struggling to catch my breath.  The tears started to flow like a waterfall down my face, I doubted I would ever be able to stop crying again.

Maize looked up briefly at me from behind the computer monitor, but she didn't speak to me or come over to me she just left me sat here obviously in distress struggling to breath.  I heard her pick up a phone, tapping out a few numbers, and after just a short pause she snapped  "She's awake" then the phone slammed down quite heavily.  I guessed it was Mango that she had just phoned, still not saying anything to me she started tapping away at the computer again.

The pain is eating away at me, I couldn't get the picture of Cosmic's body lying on the ground out of my head, I'm beginning to panic even more the thought of never seeing him again is too much to bear!!!  I needed to get out of here, to see Prelude, anything, I just needed to do something before I lost my mind.   I struggled out of bed, still feeling a little strange, not sure that the sedative had completely worn off yet.  I felt unsteady on my feet and my head started spinning, my legs started wobbling, I know I'm just about to collapse into a heap on the tiled floor and braced myself for the fall.

A pair of hands appeared from nowhere catching me just as my legs gave way. "Nurse Lane are you even paying attention here"  Mango shouted at her quite nastily.  "Didn't I tell you to go home, now GO!!"  I heard the chair legs squealing across the floor as Maizie got up and stormed out of the room.  I could see this was all getting just a little too personal, she wasn't doing her job properly because it is me, she hadn't listened to him as a doctor but as her boyfriend - Mango just pulled rank on Maizie and she didn't like it.

He carried on holding me up as we both watched Maize storm out.   As the door slammed shut behind her he pulled me towards him  "It's ok I've got you" the tone of his voice now completely different to how he had just spoken to Maizie.

"You shouldn't be out of bed yet Lilly!!"  He pulling me into a hug and he just held me there.  "Prelude is going to be fine, he's out of surgery and out of danger, I'll take you down to see him when your stable on your feet."   Once I stopped wobbling and my head levelled out I realised that I'm still crying, relieved that Prelude is going to be ok but stewing on why my baby had to fade .. it didn't make sense.  I watched the wet patch on Mango's shoulder getting bigger, my tears streaming down and soaking his clothes.

"The baby - why?"  I asked him.

His grip on me tightened, I could feel his heart beating faster against my chest, it felt like I waited forever for him to speak  ......  "I'm sorry he didn't make it Lilly - he was born too early, and he had been faded too long for us to bring him back!!"

I pushed myself away from him forcefully, he stumbled backwards trying to steady himself

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  I screamed

"I'm Sorry!!!!  There was nothing we could do!!!" 

How could this happen to me?
Losing Cosmic is hard enough, but the baby I didn't understand ..........

"YOU!!!  You said he was healthy - he shouldn't have faded ...How?? ... Why?? !!!!" 

The pain turned to anger and I found myself yelling and screaming at Mango, I wanted answers but didn't give him the chance to give me any.

I started to get hysterical again, I've never had to handle grief before and I didn't know how to, letting it all out was the only thing I could do.  My head is going round in circles, grieving for two people at the same time is impossible, one minute I'm thinking about Cosmic the next the baby, my mind can't settle in one place, its going backward and forward to the point where I think I'm going crazy.

"Lilly Please, you need to calm down or I'm going to have to sedate you again, I know you're hurting but ....... !!"

"You don't know anything, you don't know how this feels - you should have let that car hit me - sedate me - do anything I don't care - just please take all this pain away!!!"  I totally lost it.

My screaming and shouting attracted the attention of doctors and nurses out in the corridor, who ran into the room to help Mango hold me down.  I felt a needle jab into my arm just before everything went black.

I felt a lot calmer after another sleep, Mango was still here when I woke, he had been asleep in the chair by my bed.  I am beginning to wander if he has even been home since the "accident".  The nurse on duty woke him up when I started to stir.

After the nurse had checked me over he helped me out of bed and hugged me  "Please don't get all hysterical on me again, I need to get you discharged before they send you down to phyc, they think you are a crazy woman!!"

"I'm not mad!!"

"I know that, but you have had to be sedated twice, physically there is nothing wrong with you but you have spent two days under sedation, once more and they'll have you down in phyc, trust me, you don't want to get stuck in there!!"

Two days??!!  Have I really been here that long....

"Now get dressed while I sort out your discharge papers, I'm taking you down to see Prelude, maybe that might help you a little." 

"O.M.B!! Affair!!"  Suddenly I thought about Affair, where is he, who's looking after him, I haven't even given him a thought until now, for two days he has been Berry knows where......

"Don't worry, Sunny and Ruby have him, they will look after him for as long as is needed, I checked on him earlier he's perfectly fine, happily playing with the twins!!"  he smiled at me  "In fact you don't need to worry about a thing, I've sorted everything that needed doing."

"What would I do without you"

"You'd cope!!"  he said half hearted

This triggered me off - I remembered that he is leaving, he has another job and is moving away, I could feel myself getting panicky again, him leaving is going to break me, I don't know how I am ever going to get through this without him, the thought of losing someone else, especially him is unbearable.

"Why are you leaving me?"  his face changed he just stood there staring at me like he is surprised at my question  "You've got another job - you're moving away - why?"

"How do you know?  Has Maizie said something to you??"  he asked a little confused

I started to cry again, I had to tell him that I was awake and I heard their argument, I thought he would get mad with me but he didn't.

"I'm sorry Lilly, I planned to tell you in a few days when you were a little more settled, you shouldn't have found out like that!!"

"Why?  I don't understand why do you have to leave?".

"I just need to, this really is not the time for me to be explaining why, I'm sorry, I know my timing stinks but I have been wanting to do this for a while, I've kept putting it off for months and when I finally do something about it this goes and happens!!"

"You can't leave - I need you!!"  I know I'm being selfish but I desperately couldn't bear the thought of him going on top of what I've already lost.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I will still be here for a while its not like I'm going tomorrow!!"


"I am working a months notice here and start my new job at the end of next month - I'm sure you will be feeling a lot better by the time I leave."

"Mango how will I ever feel better when all I'm doing is losing everyone that I care about - you're leaving me just like they have."

"Lilly please don't!!!"  he put his arms around me and when he started to talk again he sounded choked like he's fight back the tears "I'll be a plane ride away, anytime you can pick up the phone and call me - its not like I'm going to disappear and never see or talk to you again!!"

"But it won't be the same - I need you here."

When he didn't speak I had to ask "Are you taking Maizie with you?"

"No, there is no point, I'm leaving her, it's never going to work between us."

"Please don't go."  I could hardly choke out the words through my tears

"I'm sorry I have to.  Please don't try to talk me out of this Lilly, I have to go, I just wished the timing was a little better."

He seemed determined to leave and I doubted there is anything I could do to stop him.

Later, sitting watching Prelude drift in and out of consciousness, I felt a whole lot better knowing there was at least one person I was not going to lose.

"Mango he is going to be alright isn't he??"

"Yes, he's going to be just fine!!"


Song ~  Perfect World  ~ Simple Plan

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Sorry for being AWOL

I thought I should let you know that I am still doing this rainbowacy and am sorry that I haven't updated it for a while. I have had to take a break from all my sim blogs for real life reasons.

My Mom was diagnosed with having cancer again in November - she sadly passed away on Christmas Day suddenly - it was not expected even by the doctors, her first dose of Chemo reacted really badly.

I am struggling to come to terms with my Mothers death obviously made worse that her funeral is not until the 14th January due to holiday backlog.

Once I have got my head back together - I will be back to this
but can not say how long it may be.