Thursday, 30 May 2013

Chapter 35 ~ Gen 1 ~ Lilly

~ HOME ~


I became aware of being sat in a chair and there is somebody leaning over me.  "Come on Lilly open your mouth"  I watched as a spoon heaped with a pile of brown mush is coming towards me guided by an orange hand.  I can actually see it clearly only the edges of my vision now are blurred.  I felt the cold spoon touch my lips and I automatically opened my mouth.  "See I knew you could do it!!"  I looked in the direction of the voice and Mango is there holding the spoon staring at me with a huge smile on his face .  The stuff in my mouth tasted revolting, just having it in my mouth made me want to heave - I spat it out.

"Oh Lilly!!"  he said as he stood up looking disappointed. 

I suddenly heard a child laughing  "Mommy naughty"  I looked in the direction of the laughter, a little girl is sat on the carpet staring up at me laughing.  "Yes Coral,  Mommy is very naughty!!!"  Mango said to her and she giggled.  She started rocking backwards and forwards holding her feet while she is smiling up at me.  She is a familiar shade of purple, why it is familiar I'm not sure,  and she has Mango's orange hair and colourless eyes, I know instinctively that she is my child - I thought about that for a second, but how could I know that when I can't even remember them being babies, in fact I don't remember them at all, I don't remember be pregnant, I don't remember anything, not even what my own face looks like.

"We'll try again shall we"  I heard Mango say, he disturbed my train of thought and I looked in his direction just in time to see the spoon coming at me again heaped with another pile of brown mush, I shook my head because I didn't want it.  "You need to eat this Lilly"  He kept pushing the spoon at me.  "Come on please, just two or three mouthfuls."  he started pleading with me to eat.  Eventually I got sick of his nagging and I opened my mouth for him and in went the pile of mush and straight back out it came again - what is he feeding me baby food??  I heard him sigh as he put his head down and sat stationary for a while not saying or doing anything.

I can hear the little girl singing so I look down at her again.  She is singing away to her doll and she looks quite happy.  I wanted to pick her up and hold her but I knew I wouldn't be able to - I'm useless, I can't even feed myself, I hope this isn't how it is going to be forever.

Mango dropped the dish on the nearby table, the noise it made startled me, I thought he had given up on the idea of me eating until he held in front of me a different dish, this one containing green mush.  "Ok lets try this one, maybe you don't like the other one - this one is your favourite."  he said as the spoon started coming at me again. In went the green mush, I'd opened my mouth straight away to let it in thinking I suppose I should at least try it, curious to know what my favourite is.  Straight away I can taste it is apple, I know somehow this is how apple tastes.  I can eat this one, instinctively I try to chew it, but it doesn't need chewing, its a pile of mush, so I just swallow it.  Surprisingly it really hurt my throat, I can feel every bit of it sliding down like it is a mouthful of nails that I've just swallowed, not the soft sloppy mush that had been in my mouth.

Mango didn't say anything he just stood there smiling down at me.

He crouched down and sent another piled up spoon in my direction.  I clamped my mouth shut so that he couldn't get the spoon in.  "Come on Lilly  I need you to start eating then we can start removing all these tubes that you don't like."  I am sitting here being fed like a child and it makes me feel so useless and frustrated that I can't do it for myself, and I definitely didn't want anymore because of the pain now burning in my throat.  It is a struggle for me but I managed to control my arm and hand just enough to knocked the spoon flying out of his hand and away from my mouth.

He stood up looking wounded.

"Lilly PLEASE!!"  he's half shouting and half pleading  "I need you to come back - your babies need you and so do I!!"  I can tell by the tone of his voice that he is starting to get upset.  He stands there looking down at me and I can see his eyes are starting to fill with tears.  I can still hear Coral singing and I want to know where the boys are and why they are not here - I want to see them, but how do I tell him.

Suddenly he moved away and went over to the side and came back waving a clean spoon half a smile on his face.  "I was prepared for this, your son is very good at spoon throwing too!!!  We'll try again shall we."  I watched him load up the spoon and when it started coming my way I sat shaking my head.  "Lilly please you need to eat!!  Can't you at least try!!!"

I opened my mouth but not to let in the spoon that I can now see coming in my direction again and is getting closer and closer, he's miss read my actions, I am actually trying to speak.  I turned my head just in time to avoid it and the spoon hit my cheek while I'm struggling to speak,  I can see that Mango is getting annoyed with me now, as I sit here my mouth opening and closing while he is trying to clean the apple food off my face, but finally I managed to get the word out "Tap"  I said

"Tap? ......... what do you want to see Tapestry?"  he asked and I nodded  "If I get the boys for you will you eat just two more spoonfuls for me?"  I nodded again.  "Promise!"  I nodded and smiled.  I watched him smile back as he pulled out his phone his eyes not leaving me for a second.  "Mulberry can you bring the boys down here please, Lilly wants to see them."  He snapped off his phone and stuffed it back into his pocket, then tried to feed me another spoonful of the apple stuff, I kept my lips firmly shut while I looked up at him.  he looked at me and laughed "Ok, we'll wait, you can't blame me from trying!!."  Mango busied himself cleaning up the brown food that I'd spat everywhere earlier, again cleaning my face and clothes like I am a child while he is nattering away to me.  "You know your son is very cantankerous at meal times, now I know where he gets it from - you!!"  he said as he laughed   "Tapestry has turned avoiding food into an art form!!"

Finally the door opened and in walked Mulberry, he smiled at me while he held the door open.  "Mulberry!!"  I managed to say which made him laugh, then he just stood there grinning back at me.  He didn't look any different to how I saw him in my head, except for the beard he now has on his chin, I don't remember him having that before, even though I don't remember anything from before, I just don't see that beard on his face in my head.   Three toddlers came wandering into the room jabbering away to each other.  I got a little confused looking at the little girl who came in in front of the two boys.  She is that same shade of purple again with blue hair - who is she?  I watched as she sat on the carpet looking up at me like she has never seen me before.

Tapestry distracted my attention away from the little girl,  he ran straight up to me with a big grin on his face and said "Mommy wake up"  then he stopped dead for a moment like he is only just seeing that I am awake.  Mosaic has ran over to Coral who is still singing to her doll, unlike Tapestry neither of them really taking too much notice of me being here.  I sat watching them playing together for a few minutes, wandering why I couldn't remember them as babies.  How old are they anyway?  Tapestry is now sitting in front of me on the carpet just staring up at me, I suppose this would be the first time that he has seen me sat up, awake and aware, like this is the first time that I am seeing them properly.  "Mommy wake up, Daddy look." he said pointing at me with the cutest look on his face, his eyes wide open with surprise.

"Yes Tapestry, Mommy is awake, and now you can watch her eating her dinner."  I noticed he is speaking quite loudly to Tapestry again, I caught sight of the heaped up spoon coming in my direction again, Mango is really not going to let me get away without eating this stuff!!!  "Open up you promised and PLEASE Lilly, don't spit this out, Tapestry will probably copy you if he sees you doing it!!"  he said a lot quieter to me.  I looked up at him and he mouthed the word "Please" at me so I opened my mouth and let him shovel the food in. The second mouthful didn't hurt so much as it went down.

I saw a purple hand offer a bottle to Tapestry, who took it, he looked at the bottle then threw it away from him. I looked up at Mulberry, who is trying to retrieve the bottle and give it back to Tapestry.  "Come on Tap, you need to drink your milk!!"  After a little coaxing Tapestry took the bottle and instantly threw it away again, this time a little bit harder with a determined look on his face.  "Tapestry you are a naughty boy!!"  Mulberry said to him in a raised voice, the little boy just sat giggling at Mulberry who didn't look too happy!!

"Tap show Mommy how you drink your bottle like a big boy."  Mango said to him taking the bottle off Mulberry, who has retrieved it for a second time, and handed it to the little boy who is now sitting on the carpet with a pouty look on his face.  I am looking at him and he is just looking back at me with a right moody look on his face, his expression made me want to laugh.  "Come on Tapestry Mommy is waiting to see you drink your milk, so she can finish eating her dinner."  Tapestry looked at the bottle, shook it then looked up at me again quickly before he started shouting  "NO!!!  NOT COLD!!!"  angrily he launched the bottle across the room again.

"RIGHT THAT'S IT!!!"  Mango said loudly to him  "Mulberry can you take him to his room please while I finish feeding Lilly."  Straight away Tapestry started screaming, Mulberry picked him up, I watched as he held the now kicking and punching little boy at arms length at first waiting for him to calm down.  Mulberry called the little girl, Juniper, to go with him.  Is she Mulberry's child??  The little girl got up straight away and ran off out of the room smiling while Mulberry is struggling to hold open the door and keep a hold of Tapestry who is kicking and punching him while he is still screaming his head off.  Mulberry smiled at me again before he left the room, he didn't seem very bothered about the little boys antics, but I am.

"Naughty!!"  I said looking up at Mango

"Sorry Lilly I didn't want you to see that yet ....... yes he is very naughty ....... but he has a lot of problems, with his hearing and eye sight and he has a neurological disorder, he can't actually help his behaviour sometimes, it's his condition."  he is looking at me and rubbing his head with a worried look on his face, he's stressing, somehow I know he always does that when he's stressed.  "I'll explain it to you when you are well enough to take it all in, but it is nothing for you to worry about, he is a healthy little boy otherwise."

I found myself swallowing a mouthful of food that I didn't realize I had in my mouth.  He showed me the empty dish.  "Aren't you clever - you ate it all!!"  he said and started to laugh  "I'll have to employ Tapestry to distract you at every meal time I think!!  It is a lot easier to feed you when you don't protest"  It hadn't even registered that all the time I'd been watching Tapestry perform Mango had carried on feeding me and I'd been eating the apple stuff without even realizing it...

The door opened again  "Mango is it okay if me and Cherry take Coral to the park with Honey??"  I heard a strange voice  "I'm sorry I didn't realize ....... Lilly is still awake!!"   I looked at the person stood by the door and was stunned for a minute - Affair? - is it?  He's too old to be Affair, it can't be Affair, he is still a child in my head.  Cherry?  Honey? now who are they??

"Yes fine, just don't bring her back too late Affair, she needs bath and bed by six remember."  Mango said.  I watched as 'Affair' came across the room to pick up Coral.  He stood smiling at me, but my brain couldn't take it in.

"Not Affair!!!"  I said,  Mango and Affair both gave me a strange look.

"Yes that's Affair Lilly, he has grown up a lot while you have been away!!"  Mango started laughing  "He's going to be graduating soon and he's even got himself a steady girlfriend, remember Cherry, you have a lot of catching up to do which we can do when you are feeling better."

"Cherry??  Honey??"  I asked, I hate all these names that I don't know.

"Cherry and Honey are both Sunny and Ruby's kids, Cherry you know, Honey is the same age as the triplets so you haven't seen her yet - eight kids they have now you know, you was right about those two!!"  Mango said to me  "Eight kids!!"  he started laughing, obviously that was supposed to mean something to me but what I don't know.  I'm confused, I'm still none the wiser,  Sunny I think I can see in my head, but Ruby - another name I don't know.  I didn't have the strength to question Mango anymore.

Affair smiled at me again before he told Mango he'd have Coral back by six and he left the room.

Mango moved my chair over towards where Mosaic is now playing happily alone at the brick table in the corner of the room.  He picked me up out of the wheelchair and sat me on the sofa and he sat down next to me.  He put his arm around me and took my hand with his other and started to play with my fingers.  "We need to let that food go down a little before I put you back to bed, hopefully you will start feeling normal soon!!"  he went quiet as we just sat there for a while  "You are not tired are you?"  he asked and I shook my head in response, even though I am feeling tired I want to carry on sitting here with him, I didn't want to go back to that bed where I would be alone.

The door knocked then opened and Mulberry is stood in the doorway again, "Your Dad has got him to drink his milk."  he said to Mango then he turned to speak to the little boy  "Mosaic come on Nanny is waiting to put you in the bath."  Mosaic immediately stopped what he was doing and ran out of the room Mulberry holding the door open for him.  "Thanks Mulberry, I'll be up to put them to bed in a bit."  Mango said to him just before he smiled and went out closing the door behind him.  "I really don't know what I would  have done without Mulberry's help over these past three years."

"Lilly where have you been for the past four years?"  he suddenly asked me.  All I can do is shrug my shoulders at him, because I really don't have a clue.   I am hoping that he will tell me where I have been and why I feel like this ........ totally useless, hardly able to move my arms and legs, hardly able to talk, so weak he has to feed me, carry me around and do everything for me like I am a young child, and my head, it feels so heavy, I can't remember a thing about my past and keeps switching off so that I'm oblivious to what is going on around me for long periods of time, and I just feel so tired all the time.

Mango is sat just watching my face "Lilly do you know what has happened to you?"  he asked me I shook my head to tell him that I didn't know.

"You have been in a coma for the past four years and you started to wake up nearly two months ago, you fell down the stairs, do you remember?"  I shook my head as I am watching him playing with my fingers, he is spinning the ring that I have on my left hand, a ring I didn't even realize was there till just now.  A wedding ring .......... are we married?

Suddenly he started talking again  "I would love to know what kept you in that coma for so long, four years is a very long time, you know I had lost all hope of you ever waking up."  he looked up at me for a second but he still carried on spinning the ring, then he looked away again as he carried on talking, mumbling more like he is talking out loud or to himself rather than to me.  "I started to think all sorts, I even started to doubt that maybe you didn't love me after all, that you didn't wanted to come back to me, I kept thinking maybe you couldn't face living without Cosmic and that's why you were staying in there ..........."   he looked up at me suddenly   "I'm sorry ........."  he stood up abruptly like he had said something that he shouldn't or wished he hadn't said.  "I need to get you back to bed you must be tired, but first I need to change you, look at you, you've made more mess than the kids!!"  he started laughing as he brushed his hand over some of the mess on my clothes, that is now dried in.

"Who ..... is ...... Cosmic?"  I asked him slowly.  He froze and is staring back at me with a totally shocked expression written all over his face.

"Who is Cosmic??  Oh Berry!!  Lilly you know who Cosmic is!!"  I shrugged my shoulders then shook my head, I don't have a clue who Cosmic is!!!  

"Lilly .............. you don't remember Cosmic??"  I shook my head again  "Berry!!!" he said as he started to rub his head, that worried look came over his face again.  "Fudge!! ..... Lilly ..... you do know who I am ....... don't you???!!!"  Of course I do - well sort of - I nodded my head and smiled at him as I watched a look of relief wash over his face.

"Who ....... is ....... Cosmic?"  I asked him again, but he didn't answer me, he's just looking at me now scratching his head.

Suddenly he turned away from me, I get the feeling I am still not going to get an answer to my question.  "Okay, you are probably too tired right now, you have been with us for most of today, we don't want to over do it,  lets put you to bed and we'll talk about it tomorrow."   he started busying himself again moving things around.  He is right, I am tired, I'm now struggling to keep my eyes open.  He changed the gown I'm wearing for a clean one, he pushed the chair up to the bed then picked me up and carried me to the bed and lay me down carefully, not saying another word to me but he has a very troubled look on his face, I would love to know what he's thinking.

He stood just looking down at me for a few minutes "Sleep, you've done a lot today."  he kissed my head then went to move away and I didn't want him to go.

"Stay."  I said hoping it is loud enough for him to hear.  He turned and looked at me then he smiled, he seemed to hesitate for a moment then he kicked off his shoes and lay down on the small bed next to me, like he knew what I wanted him to do.

"I'll stay for a while then I have to go and see to the kids, the nurse will be here soon to sit with you through the night."  he wrapped his arm around me moving me closer to him  "But I'll be back later, I've spend the last three years sleeping on that couch over there."  I heard him say as I felt myself drifting off to sleep.


Its a different day, I'm not sure what day or even how long it has been since the last time that I  was "with it".  The first thing I know, I'm sat in the chair and Mango is talking to me while he is brushing and plaiting my hair, he is telling me about something that happened at work earlier, this confused me, he works?  Where?  I should know this but I don't. he is talking to me about someone call Forrest another name I can not put a face to.

Mango had just finished plaiting my hair when the door opened, I can hear a screaming child coming - I already know who it is going to be - Tapestry - he came into the room in the arms of a blue woman.  "Sorry he was in a good mood, but he has drawn a picture for Lilly and wanted to bring it down straight away, I said later and that set him off."  Tapestry now has stopped screaming and has a big grin on his face, he is clutching a piece of paper in his hand, which the blue woman took from him carefully and handed it to me, then she just stood there smiling down at me still holding Tapestry in her arms.  "It's nice to see you awake finally."  she said to me - who is she?  Does she know me?

"Mommy wake up look!!"  he said and started pointing at the picture he has drawn for me.  "Picture look."  he said reminding that I'm holding the piece of paper in my hand.  I looked down at the paper and it is just a load of coloured scribble which made me smile.

"Very Nice!!"  I said as I handed it to Mango. He told Tapestry he is a clever boy and said he would put it on the wall for me later when he can find some drawing pins and went over to place it on the table by my bed.  I am looking at the blue woman again who has lots of horrible scars on her face, I don't recognize her and what is wrong with her face??   

"Who's she?"  I said pointing at her.  Mango exchanged looks with her, then they both look at me with puzzled expressions on their faces.

"You know who Ice is!!"  Mango said to me  "You remember Ice don't you Lilly?!"  I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, I'd never seen her before so why should I remember her!!!!

"Who is she?"  I said as they both just stood there looking at me, Mango is rubbing his head again with that worried look on his face, should I know her?  I'm sure if I'd seen her before I would remember, especially with her face the way it is.

"We went to school with Ice, remember, she lives here with us, in fact it was you who asked her and Mulberry to live here."  He stood looking at me for a second like he is waiting for me to remember "and she is your Sister-In-Law now, she's married to Mulberry and they have a little girl, Juniper, you saw her earlier."  All the time he is talking to me I'm shaking my head at him, I really have never seen this woman before - what he is saying doesn't mean a thing or make any sense to me, I am still sat staring at her because I really don't remember her.  Mango is standing there now with his eyes closed muttering to himself  "Berry!! ...........Fudge!! ........... this is what I was scared off!!"

"Mango??!  What's wrong?  How can she not remember me?"  Ice asked him

He turned to her and started to talk to her quietly but they were too close to me the only way I wouldn't have heard what he is saying to her is if he had whispered it into her ear, but he didn't  "Memory loss, could even be brain damage, when she recognized me, Mulberry and Affair I thought she was going to be fine, but yesterday I mentioned Cosmic and she acted like she didn't know who he was, I was shocked at the time, but since I've thought maybe she needs to see a picture of him to remind her!!!"  I watched as Ice's mouth dropped open, a shocked look on her face, she quickly looked in my direction then back to Mango  "She's got some tests coming up at the hospital next week, oh Berry I hope this isn't brain damage!!  I knew this was all too good to be true and going far too well!!!"

"Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be fine!!  Cosmic will come back to her, didn't you say yourself it's early days yet!!"  Ice said to Mango, do they not realize I am sat right here listening to them talking about me - I wish someone would tell me what is going on here!!!

"I should go back upstairs, I've left Mulberry alone feeding the others he'll be pulling his hair out by now, can I leave Tap down here, he has eaten?"  she said looking at Mango, he told her to leave Tapestry, she placed him on the floor and he ran over and sat down and started playing the xylophone.  The sound of it seemed very familiar - I knew I could hear a xylophone while I was drifting in and out of the darkness, I hadn't been mad after all like I'd thought I was, and all this time I've been lying in that bed oblivious and my children have been playing around me all along.

After Ice left he moved my chair and he sat me down on the sofa like yesterday and  sat down beside me, but today he didn't put his arm around me.  "Lilly, I need to ask you some questions, but tell me when you are getting tired, I don't want you to over do it."  I smiled at him.  "What is my name?"  he said which I thought was a pretty stupid thing for him to ask me.  I told him "Mango"  he smiled then he asked me "Who am I?"  I laughed and thought about the ring on my finger which I pointed to and he smiled again but I thought I saw a look of relief mixed up with the smile.

"Do you remember falling down the stairs?"  I shook my head, didn't he mention that to me yesterday?!  I think that's how I ended up in the coma.   He hasn't actually told me how I fell down the stairs and I have been wandering why, I've tried to think and I can't remember anything about my life before I started to wake up, I just seemed to know certain things but I don't exactly know why I know them.

"Do you know who Mulberry is?"  I told him 'my brother'  "Prelude?"  I said 'my brother' again.  "Good, what about Caramel?"  Caramel - I recognized the name but had to think, then it came to me, suddenly I can see her in my mind and I said 'my friend', he then asked me if I could remember what colour Caramel is and I told him brown.  He smiled at me, he looked happy, but that look soon vanished after he asked me  "What about Ruby?"  Now I'm stuck, I sat thinking but nothing is coming to me, I shrugged my shoulders  "You don't remember Ruby?"  he asked and I shook my head.  He looked really disappointed.

Then he slowly started to real off a list of names to which my answer for all of them is a shrug of my shoulders and a shake of the head.  I didn't know any of the names that he threw at me, they meant nothing to me and there isn't a face in my head for them.  The longer the list got the more depressed he started to look.  "Alpine, Cosmic, Twilight, Wisteria, Jazz, Lime, Violet, Bayleaf, Lime. Cherry, Crimson"  He is looking really worried now, then he said Sunny and I said "dancing", I remember Sunny, I can see his yellow face in my head and just know we did a lot of dancing together, this made Mango laugh for a few minutes  "Who could forget Sunny!!"  he said.  Then the expression on his face got serious again  "Lilly is there anyone or anything you can remember?"  he asked and I had to think, my head is blank for a minute then a few faces flashed into my head.

"Mom ........ Dad"  he smiled at me again and asked if I meant my Mom and Dad or his Mom and Dad, I shrugged my shoulders at him, I'm confused, I don't know who's Parents they are, I just know they are Mom and Dad.

"Can you remember Dad's name?"  I told him 'Spicey'  "Spicey is my Dads name, Lilly can you remember your Dad's name?"  I couldn't, I couldn't see anyone else in my head  so I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head  "What colour is Mom?"  he asked and I told him purple and yellow, he told me that is his Mom again now my own, my own I don't remember at all.  "A few more questions then you need a rest."  he said as he took my hand  "Do you remember where or how we met Lilly?"  I thought about it for a minute and my mind is just blank, my head is starting to hurt I shook my head.  "What about school, do you remember anything about the school we went to?"  again I shook my head.  Then he said  "Cosmic, are you sure you still don't remember Cosmic?" 

"No!!!  who is Cosmic?"  I'm starting to get a little irritated keep hearing that name, I wander why yesterday and today he should keep mentioning Cosmic, who is he??  and why won't he tell me who he is??

"Lilly THINK you have to remember Cosmic!!"

"NO!!!  Who ...... is ...... he?"

Again he didn't answer my question because the door opened and Prelude walked in, I recognize him instantly.   I said "Prelude" and he smiled at me.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake!!"  he said

"Stormie come?!"  Tapestry suddenly stopped playing the xylophone and started to get excited when he saw Prelude.  I noticed Mango and Prelude exchange a strange look as Mango quickly picked me up off the sofa and walked across the room to put me back in my chair, I wasn't sure why.

"Storm me play with Storm!!!"  Tapestry ran up to Prelude who picked him up.  Storm, I've heard that name before - who is Storm?  Then Tapestry started screaming  "Storm now!!"   Prelude tried to quieten Tapestry down by tickling him and tell him he'd take him to see Storm later.

"Who is Storm?"  I asked and Mango and Prelude just stood there looking at each other and then they turn to staring at me.  Prelude looks uncomfortable.

"Damn it Prelude, I knew this would happen!!"  Mango snapped at Prelude who gave him a strange look.  "You know I didn't want her finding out about this till she's able to deal with it!!"  They started bickering like they had forgotten I am here listening to them.

"I'm sorry!!  What for Berry's sake do you want the three of us to do - vanish!!  One of the kids was bound to mention them sooner or later, you just need to tell her the truth, if she hates me for it - she hates me - what can I do, they are my kids for Berrys sake!!"

Then Mango turned to me, he looked far from happy  "Storm is your nephew, Prelude and Manderine have two boys Storm and Parsley, they are a little younger than our three."  They both stood looking at me like they are waiting for some kind of reaction but I just smiled at them, what is their problem?!  What was that argument about, who is Manderine?  I'm getting very confused - is this something else I'm supposed to know about but can't remember?!  I wanted to see them.

"See them."  I said, Mango and Prelude exchanged a strange look again then Prelude told me they weren't here, he'd left them at home with a baby sitter.  Somehow, I don't know how, I just know he is lying to me!!!  My head is hurting I'm not sure I can take anything else in.

"I'm tired"  I told Mango, I'm starting to struggle to keep my eyes open again.  He quickly picked me up off the sofa and carried me across the room to lie me on the bed.

"I'm sorry, I overdid it with the questions."  he said as he kissed my face.  I closed my eyes as soon as he lay me on the bed but I didn't fall straight to sleep.  I heard him move away

"If she gets upset by this Prelude I'm never going to forgive you!!!"   I heard Mango snap

"How is she?"  Prelude asked him

"She okay, but, her memory, she can hardly remember anything, thankfully for your sake!!."  There is a slight pause then I noticed Mango is talking a little quieter than before "She seriously didn't recognize Ice when she came in earlier and she only seems to remember me, you, Mulberry, Caramel, Sunny, my parents and Affair she doesn't remember anybody else not even Cosmic."  There is that name again.

"Cosmic, really, you're kidding?!"  Prelude said

"No, she doesn't remember Cosmic or Twilight, she never even flinched when I mentioned their names, she just had this blank look on her face like she did for everyone else I asked her about - your parents, Lime, school, things that should have provoked a reaction from her didn't,  its like she's wiped all the bad things out of her mind."

"Is this memory loss going to be permanent?  Is she going to make a full recovery?"  Prelude asked

"I don't know, she's going to have to spend a few weeks in hospital soon I've booked her in for a load of tests, and she needs some speech therapy and extensive physio to get her moving and mobile again .... as for her memory I guess we will just have to wait and see - I did warn you not all of her might come back and so far its actually looking pretty good compared to what we could have had to contend with, there is no paralysis, her speech is normal and she seems to be functioning okay.   The only thing worrying me is she does still keep switching on and off for long periods, she should be fully awake by now - that with the memory loss is very worrying."

They went quiet and I couldn't fight off the darkness any longer and I drifted off to sleep.

"I can't help thinking, Lilly not remembering her past might be a blessing for her in some cases, at least she won't have to remember all the really bad stuff that really upset her."  Mango said  "You can smile Prelude, Lilly not remembering doesn't mean you and Lime will get away with this scott free - I will always remember and so will everyone else!!  And I hope your conscience never stops killing you!!!"


Song ~ Home ~ Daughtry


Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Chapter 34 - Gen 1 - Lilly

~Bring Me To Life~


The strangest feeling came over me when I tried to open my eyes - I couldn't,  I tried to move and I couldn't do that either - where am I??  My white surroundings are now totally black.
I can no longer see anything and I'm scared, I can feel myself starting to panic.

The strange sensation didn't last for long, it stopped quite abruptly but everything is so black and all I can do is hear noises.  A strange beeping noise that is irritating me because I cant work out what it is.  Running water, I thought I could hear water running but then it stopped suddenly.

Someone or something grabbed my wrist, I tried to pull it away but I couldn't, why is it so dark and what the fudge is going on here?  Why can't I move?  Suddenly something cold is pushed into my mouth, I wanted to bite it but I couldn't even do that - what is wrong with me and where am I?  The cold thing is suddenly removed from my mouth and whatever was holding my wrist tightly has let go of it and is now holding my hand.

"Lilly can you hear me??  If you can try and squeeze my hand."
Who is that?  I recognize the voice, my head is hurting trying to think

I felt something strange and warm down my one side, then something is lay on my shoulder, a head I think because I can hear breathing really close and there is a hand on my chest and another one holding my other hand, it's like someone is lying next to me, who would do that?  I try to pull my hand away from whoever is holding it but I still can't move - this is so frustrating!!
"Lilly can you squeeze my hand?"  the voice said again
Suddenly I realized - Mango - it's Mango!!!
"Please Lilly I need to know you are still in there" 
I try to call out to him but nothing happens, I cant move or speak this is stupid!!
I'm trying to open my eyes, I'm trying to move, I'm trying to call out - but nothing is happening - am I paralized???  In my head I'm screaming at Mango to help me and I can feel him just lying there, he can't hear me no matter how hard I try the words are just not coming out of my mouth.

Suddenly he moved away from me - I'm screaming at him not to leave me.
"Lilly can you hear me?"  I can feel his hand on my shoulder, he is still here but I want him to come back and lie next to me again.

"Lilly, we need you to wake up, please can you try!!"
Wake up??  What does he mean - wake up??

Suddenly I felt my eyelid being pulled back and a light flashes into my eye which startles me.
"Fudge!!"  Mango said then I heard him moving away I'm screaming at him to come back but still nothing is coming out of my mouth. 

 I am listening now and it sounds like he is crying, but he isn't close to me anymore.
I heard a few quiet beeps then Mango spoke  "Dad can you come downstairs please" there is a slight pause  "Yes I know what time it is, I'm sorry, but I need you to double check Lilly for me,  I think she is on her way back."   then I hear a snapping sound, like he's just closed up his phone and he's sobbing again - what is wrong with him??  What is wrong with me??

I am very confused I really can't work out what is going on and I'm tired, I feel so tired,  I can feel myself drifting off into the darkness and I can't stop myself from going. 

A few sounds crept into the silence - a constant tapping like someone is typing on a computer keyboard, that constant beeping again that doesn't stop and  gabbering, like small children talking?!  Am I going mad?!.  The sounds grew quieter as I drifted back into the silence of the darkness.

I heard crying suddenly filling the silent darkness - I wasn't alone in this place!!!
I am confused - who is it and where am I and why is it so black?
"Daddieeee" it sounded like a child  "SSShhhhh, sleep baby"
Mango?  That sounded like Mango
It all went quiet except for the beeping and creaking.
I am sucked back into the darkness again.

"Damn it!!"  I heard a woman say loudly -  this jolted me to become aware of my surroundings again.  Listening all I can hear is the computer keyboard tapping and that damn beeping - what is that?!   I wander where Mango is??  Who is that woman??  the sounds start to get quieter and I can feel myself drifting away again back into the darkness.

A loud cough startled me and brought me back out of the darkness.
"Mulberry you should get Mango to look at that cough, I'm not sure you should be in here, you know we can't afford her catching any infections."  I didn't know the woman's voice.
"Okay, I know, Im sorry"  I heard my brothers voice.
A wave of relief washed over me, I tried to call out to him but I couldn't, I started to feel panic,  I can hear my own heart beat inside my own head getting louder and faster -  what is going on!? None of this makes any sense - why can't I get out of here, and why can nobody hear me?

I heard the beeping noice alter it started to get faster.
"Mulberry can you go and fetch Mango tell him to come quickly."  The woman spoke.
"Is something wrong with Lilly?" 
"Yes now hurry!!"
 What's wrong with me other than I can't get out of this place??
 I felt someone lifting my hand , two fingers pressed into the inside of my wrist.  A sudden flash of light in my left eye alarmed me - I wish they would stop doing that!!
I heard the door bang open  "What's happening?" I heard Mango's voice
"She's a little tachycardic - she's openened her eyes and her reaction to light is a lot quicker."
"Lilly, can you hear me?"  another light flashed into my eye - damn it!!!
I felt a sharp pain in my arm, I think I've just been jabbed with a needle.  I could feel two sets of hands touching different parts of my body, I wished they would just leave me alone.
"Mango what's happening"  Mulberry spoke and I could hear a child crying
"Get him out of here now Mulberry!!!"  Mango shouted
"But Lilly?" Mulberry asked
"She's fine - she's just panicing, please just take him to his room."  I could feel Mango rubbing my arm, then he took hold of my hand "Lilly can you squeeze my hand"
again I tried but couldn't, my head felt fuzzy and I noticed the beeping had slowed back down as I slowly drifted back off into the darkness

I'm not sure how much time has passed when I heard noises again, a child singing is the first thing that crept into the darkness, I lay listening to it trying to work out what child it might be, am I dreaming this or is it real?

"Her temperature is fine, so are all her other vitals"  that same woman spoke - who is she?  why is she always here?
 "Shes just opened and closed her eyes again" Mango said
"She was doing it a lot during the night - She's getting closer isn't she"
"Yes I think she is - Finally!!"
The nearness of their voices told me they are right next to the bed.
"You can go and get some sleep Ocean, I'll sit with her for the rest of your shift, on your way up can you ask Mulberry to feed the boys, tell him I've fed Coral and shes down here with me she woke up early ."  Coral?  Who is Coral?
"OK, I'll be back at six."  the woman said.

 I heard the door open then Mango went silent for what seemed like ages, but I can hear him moving around the room doing different things.   I start to concentrating on the child who is still singing, Coral is that the childs name??  Who is she??

It startled me when I felt Mango suddenly touch my face, I hadn't heard him coming, I could now feel my heart beating heavily in my chest from the fright.
"Lilly!!??  Did you just move, or am I seeing things again?!  Lilly can you hear me?   Can you squeeze my hand please just to let me know you're in there, I'm not sure how much longer I can take this - I need you to come back to me."  I could feel him playing with my hand and fingers, I wanted to squeeze his hand but I couldn't  After a while he placed my hand back down on the bed but didn't let go of it.  Then I heard him crying, it sounded like his head was right by mine, he is sobbing and I'm lying here helpless.  I squeezed his hand ...somehow.
"Lilly!!"  I felt him move "Oh Berry Lilly!!  You can hear me can't you!!!"
 I wished I could answer him, I tried to fight the darkness but it pulled me back in

A phone started ringing.  I lay there listening - there is nothing else I can do.
"Hello"  Mango said answering his phone
"She is fine, no change."  there is a pause. "Its been four days since she squeezed my hand - I'm beginning to think I imagined it." another pause in which he started to laugh  "She's got her eyes open right now but she's just staring into space like she does"  Yes, bring them round Tapestry has been a right little grumpy monster today, maybe Storm can cheer him up, but be warned he is beating everyone up today!!  Mulberry can watch them while you do your hour with Lilly, "  another pause  "Okay I'll see you later"  I heard the bleep as he switched his phone off then silence fell on the room again, I lay there wandering who he had just been talking to and what is he doing now.  Tapestry - Storm - who is Tapestry?  who is Storm?
I drifted back into the darkness

Suddenly I come out of the darkness because I can hear another voice I recognize.  Prelude, he is constantly talking out loud, it takes me a while to realize he is reading out loud - If I could have laughed I would have done - Prelude is reading a book - no never - this has to be a dream!!  His voice got quieter and quieter as I drifted off back into the darkness.

I drift between the darkness and being aware of my surroundings on and off.  Time is still irrelevant, I still didn't know whether it is day or night, I felt like I had just swapped that white place for this dark place, I felt very scared in this dark place, when I am not aware of my surroundings I am having only what I can think are crazy dreams.  A lot of the time I can't tell what is real and what isn't, what is reality and what is a dream.  Sometimes the dreams are bearable sometimes they turn into nightmares, I feel the terror of being trapped in a place I really don't understand and can't get out of it no matter how hard I try because I now realize that on the other side of the darkness is home.

Every time I am aware of my surrounding there seems to be a different person here.  I hear voices that I recognize, voices that I don't.  Mango is here some of the time, I don't like it when I lie here and can't hear his voice. I hear different bits of conversation that don't really make any sense to me, but then on another time I'll take in what is being said.  Lately I've been aware of not always being in bed, I'm sometimes sitting in a chair, my hair is being brushed, something is being rubbed into my skin, my feet are being washed, I can feel everything they do to me, sometimes they hurt me sometimes they don't.

Then there is always the music, Piano music most of the time which I know is Mango's, sometimes I think I can hear a child playing on a xylophone, sometimes its a radio, I'm sure I've even heard Sunny telling me its time to get up and dance.

A high pitched scream jolts me suddenly out of the darkness
"Mango I'm really sorry Tapestry is causing absolute chaos upstairs."  I can hear Prelude trying to talk over the screaming child.  "No one can do anything with him not even Wisty - he wants you and he's having none of it"
"Okay give him here." Mango said "Now what is wrong with you little man?"
The child suddenly stopped crying
"You little monster!!!"  I heard Mango say and the child started giggling
"He's not stupid is he?  He has got you wrapped right round his little finger."
"Tell me about it!!  He's playing on the fact he's my special little soldier and he knows it"  the child giggled again  "He'll have to stay with me until the nurse turns up she's due at three."  Mango spoke again  "Are the other two okay?"
"Yes they are fine, but Tapestry has bit Juniper, he's took a chunk out of her arm, so she's up there screaming the place down" Prelude started laughing  "How is Lilly anymore movement?"
"Not much, shes opening her eyes a lot and her arms and legs have been moving about a little."  there was a pause  "Sit in with me, I was just reading to her but I think she's had enough for today she closed her eyes half way I think that was her way of telling me she had heard enough."

I can tell they are stood over the other side of the room, their conversation is a lot quieter and I have to concentrate on listening to what they are saying - a lot of it is really confusing me - Mango said he was just reading to me, see I didn't even know anything until I heard the screaming child - my arms and legs have been moving - how? when? because whenever I try they don't.  Juniper?  Who is that now?  Do I know these people or have I just forgotten them?

"Do you think she hears you?"  Prelude asked  "I always feel stupid sitting here talking to her."
"I think she does now - we will never know until she completely wakes up - there have been cases with coma patients where they hear and feel everything but are in a paralytic state and other cases where they are just in the dark and don't feel hear or know anything until they wake.  There is no knowing what is going on in that head of hers.  I've read every coma case I can lay my hands and some coma patients have horrific experiences while they are slipping in and out of awareness - I just hope she isn't   The last four years have felt so long and I'd hate to think she has been in there suffering all this time!!!"

FOUR YEARS!!!!!  Oh My Berry - have I really been away that long???

 "Mommy sleepin"  the child said and he sounded really close

"Tapestry come away from Mommies bed!!"  why is Mango yelling like that

"NO!!  SEE MOMMY SLEEPIN!!"  the child yelled back

Then I heard Mango close  "Come here you little monkey,  what has Daddy told you about going close to Mommy's bed!!"


"Quit the attitude little man or you'll be in your room where you can't see Mommy at all!!!"  Mango sounded quite angry talking to the child - why? 

Mommy??  Is he talking about me?

"Do you think she knows about the triplets?"

"She knew she was pregnant when she fell - who know's - either way she is in for a shock - she won't be expecting three of them when she wakes up will she, but she might have been listening all this time, she might know, she might not!!"

TRIPLETS? - THREE? - Three children?

"Mommy wake up"  the child said, Mango and Prelude both started laughing

I could feel myself panicking again - I'm listening to the conversation and getting shock after shock, a few things that I have heard said since I've become aware that I didn't understand now are beginning to make sense - "feed the kids, call the babysitter, are the other two ok " I have children, three of them, Tapestry is my child and I've been away for four years - this can't be happening.  I NEED to get out of this dark place!!!

I heard the beeping getting faster again just before one of the machines started ringing
A pain tore through my arm

"FUDGE!!"  I heard Mango shout  "LILLY"
"What's happening?"  Prelude asked and the child started screaming.
"I don't know yet ........  Lilly ...... Lilly can you hear me."
My eyes are open and I can just see a blur of movement
"She's pulled out her IV, you are going to have to help me, hold her arm still for me"
I realized I was thrashing my arms around
"I'm going to have to put it in her other arm, she's made a right mess of that one"
"OK Lilly, everything is fine, calm down, I'm not trying to hurt you!!"
I felt him pull my hand up onto my shoulder, then I felt a sharp pain like he's jabbed me with a needle again "Prelude can you hold her arm there"
"Why is she doing this?"
"It might have been irritating her, she could be getting panicky and anxious which is a good sign shes getting closer, more aware of her surroundings, don't be alarmed if the next time you come in here and Ive got her arms strapped down."
"Would you really have to do that?"
"Yes if she keeps trying to rip out her IV line I will ..........see she's calming down now"

My head started feeling fuzzy and their voice faded away as I fell back into the darkness again


Song ~ Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence


Sunday, 12 May 2013

Chapter 33 - Gen 1 ~ My Immortal

Chapter 33

~My Immortal ~


Its now been nearly four years

I'm tired and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I thought bringing her home might help her wake out of her coma.  I was wrong.  Three years after bringing her home she is still lay here not the slightest sign that she is coming out of this.  There is no medical reason for her to still be in there - so why is she, does she really not want to come back to us?  It really doesn't make any sense.  The only reason I can come up with for her still being in there is that she wants to be in there, that she doesn't want to come back.

Four year - I think its time I started to face reality - she's gone - I doubt she is every coming back, Coma's that last this long don't usually end well.  If by some minor miracle she does still wake up its doubtful much of her will come back.  Lilly why are you not waking up?? what is keeping you in there??

Some days when I can't get any lower, I so desperately want an end to this.  I sometimes even wish that she would just put me out of my misery because I just can't stand the pain anymore, then I hate myself for thinking that way.   Of course I want nothing more than for her to wake up even if only part of her comes back - but -  if she has to go - I wished she would just go - the longer this drags on the harder it is going to be for me to take if she does go.  Sometimes I think back to before Cosmic died, the pain of watching her with him was nothing compared to the pain I am feeling now, everyday staring at her empty shell, it's mental torture.

I had a battle on my hands just to bring her home, especially with my parents, at first they didn't even want to listen, but eventually I managed to talk them round.  The next step was trying to convince the hospital that I was doing the right thing for Lilly and myself, which was surprisingly a lot easier than convincing my parents.  I had a few rooms in the house altered, the hospital loaned me all the equipment that I needed and I took a years compassionate leave from work, I hired a couple of good nurses and Lilly came home not long after Tapestry finally left the hospital for the first time to come home.

At first I was filled with hope that this way of life wouldn't last for long, she would soon wake up and everything would be fine.  Everything ran like clockwork with the help of rota's that organized all of our lives around Lilly and the triplets.  My life was made so much easier with everyone under the same roof and me not having to worry about work so that I could concentrate on looking after Lilly and the triplets, especially Tapestry who needed far more attention than the other two.

The first year flew by, but then my dilemma started again, Lilly still in the coma and me due back to work, I had not really planned on her being away for that long.  I had no choice but to return to work.  Luckily I had the option to drop all of my surgery schedules and it freed up a lot of time which I could spend at home, so work didn't interfere too much, hiring a doctor to cover the times when I am not home solved the problem, she is well looked after while I am not here but I still hate every minute that I am away from Lilly, scared that something might happen when I am not around.

Most nights I struggle to sleep and find myself sleeping on the sofa in Lilly's room, I don't think that I've had a decent nights sleep in years.  It's a routine that I've gotten myself into that I can't break, it's like I'm scared to be too far away from her, I can't sleep upstairs, I lie awake wandering what is happening down here even though for the last three years there has not been one single problem, not even with her health.  The nurses who do the night shift are more than capable of taking care of her but still I find myself down here, they have had to get used to me snoring on the sofa on and off through the night.

The first ping of the xylophone had me awake and sitting bolt upright.  "Tapestry."

"Mulberry just brought him in, he's been playing holy hell upstairs wanting you and he's refused to eat again."   Ocean informed me when she heard me speak.  Ocean is one of the regular full time nurses, so regular she now lives in, which makes it really handy if I do have to go out anywhere, she can be available at a minutes notice.

Tapestry is another big worry for me, he has been ever since the minute I found out about his existence and it's never stopped, his life so far has been a constant battle.  He's not a normal child, he is nothing like the other three toddlers that we have running around the house, five when Preludes twins are here.  Tapestry has slight problems with his eye sight and hearing, but there is also something else going on in that brain of his - but he is too young yet for us to make a proper diagnosis, he definitely has some kind of neurological disorder, I think I already know what is wrong with him I just need time to prove it.

Music is the only thing that seems to interest him.

Most of the time he seems to be in a little world all of his own.  While Mosaic and Coral are happily singing and playing Tapestry will just sit staring into space doing nothing for hours on end.  While they have been walking and talking for about 18 months Tapestry is only just learning to walk and talk.  He is a nightmare when it comes to feeding, he would only every drink cold bottles and solid food he eats but only when he wants to which isn't often enough in my book.  While he is quiet most of the time when he does springs to life he becomes a total NIGHTMARE, he goes from one extreme to the other.  He has the worst tantrums I've ever seen, he never cries he just screams, and he can be very mean to the other toddlers especially if they go anywhere near the xylophones, he goes mental, a lot of the time he has to be kept apart from all the other toddlers because he can get downright evil with them.  He was hard work when he was a baby, is hard work as a toddler and I know it is only going to get harder the older he gets.

I sat in the rocking chair listening to Tapestry tapping away on the xylophone, while I am rocking backwards and forwards I started to wallow in my own self pity, wandering how my life had come to this!?  It feels like I was never supposed to be happy, all the years that I have loved her and was without her because she was with Cosmic, then he dies and when I do finally get what I want she is snatched away from me again - I couldn't bear to think that the short time we had together is all I'm ever going to get - scared that this is how it is always going to be - scared that Lilly is going to be lay there for many more years before she quietly slips away without ever waking up.  The longer she stays in there the more likely that is how it will happen, with every month that ticks by the lesser the odds of her ever waking up.

I'd give anything right now for her to come back, I'm lonely, tired and miss her so much it is slowly killing me, and I know if she goes she will take most of me with her.

There is a soft knock on the door, then it opens slowly. I glanced up to see Prelude pop his head around the door, I wasn't expecting to see him today, today is one of his 'Lilly free' days, or have I got my days muddled up?! I have started to feel so mentally tired lately that I'm not sure that I'm thinking straight anymore.

"Do you have time for a chat?"  he stood in the doorway looking at me for a minute then ran his hand through his hair nervously, he looked worried and I wasn't too sure why.  Then he asked me why am I crying.  I hadn't even realized that I was crying, for a second I had made him think that there was something wrong with Lilly, relief washed over his face when I told him that I was just feeling a little down, lonely and missing Lilly.

"Do you think she ever really got over losing Cosmic?"   he looked at me a little puzzled but didn't say anything  "I keep wandering why she might be staying in there - maybe she can't face living without him, maybe settling for me is not really what she wanted and that's why she's not coming back!!"

"Mulberry is right, you are beginning to lose the plot Mango - she loves you and you know she does, you are just being stupid!!  Why are you even thinking like that?!"  He stood there looking at me like I'd gone mad, and maybe I have, I've been trying to find a reason for why she might still be in there and I can never get past Cosmic, even though I am a doctor and I should know better than to go looking for stupid reasons to why she is still in that coma.  "You know you seriously need to give yourself a break, you spend way too much time down here, you are going to drive yourself crazy!!!!" 

"I'm fine, really!!!"."  I said smiling at him even though I am far from fine  "Anyway, what are you doing here today?"

He told me that Caramel, who was due to spend time with Lilly today, has come down with a cold and apparently Alpine is a right fruit loop today, so Sunny is having to help her with him.  Prelude is going to sit in with Lilly today instead of Caramel.

I can't help but think about what a mess that woman, Lime,  has made of all our lives, we are all suffering in one way or another, and I now can't even look at Prelude without thinking about her.  I really don't know how he can live with himself loving the woman that has ruined all of our lives, including his own and especially their twins.

We take it in turns to spend an hour or two with her reading and talking to her,  not just me, my parents and her two brothers but Affair, Cherry, Sunny, Ruby, Ice and Caramel also take their turn, only Alpine doesn't get involved because he has enough problems of his own without even trying to understand what is going on with Lilly.  I hoped she might be able to hear us and it might help to encourage her to come back, but over the past three years it doesn't seem to have done anything to help at all.

While Prelude is reading to Lilly I thought I have another go at teaching Tapestry to walk.  Trying to get him walking has just been the worse thing, he has just been plain awkward, he is nearly three years old and he's only now learning things that he should have been learning years ago, his development is way behind Mosaic's and Coral's.

"Come on Tap, walk to Daddy."  I have to speak quite loudly to him so that he can hear me.

"NO!!"  he stands there staring at me with attitude - "No" is his usual response to most thing and his favourite word at the moment.

"Come on Tap, you can do it, walk for Daddy"

He sits down and glares at me  "NO!!!  NO!!!!  PIANO!!!"  He has a fascination with the piano, and quite often I have to play it for him to calm him down when he is having one of his hissy fits.

"NO!!  No piano for Tapestry until you walk to Daddy!!"

"NO WALK - PIANO!!"  I am struggling not to laugh at him because of the look on his face, I would love to know where he gets all of this attitude from.

"NO!!  WALK FIRST THEN PIANO!!"  He sits just looking at me with that pouty face of his and I thought I would be the one who would have to back down first as usual - Tapestry is very good at getting his own way, its game over when he starts screaming because he doesn't stop until he gets what he wants.  "Walk first Tap, then we can go and play the piano!!"

Suddenly he just stood up and started to walk very unsteadily towards me.  Now he is laughing at me - the little monkey - I wouldn't be surprised if he could do this all along and he's just been playing  awkward.

"Clever boy, Tapestry is walking!!"

I picked him up and made a fuss of him which he thinks is highly funny.

"Again"  I said to him as I went to place him on the floor again,

He went stiff, which means he is just about to start having one of his hissy fits, I knew I wouldn't get away with it  "NO!!  NO!!! PIANO!!"

"Okay - Okay - Piano"

As soon as we walked through the door that leads from Lilly's room into the music room Tapestry went stiff and started screaming.  Prelude is playing with Mosaic on the xylophone.  Tapestry seems to think that he is the only one that is allowed to play on the xylophones, he is very obsessive and protective over them.  Prelude quickly picks up Mosaic and moves him onto the logic block laughing as he does it, we all think it's funny how Tapestry gets over all the xylophones in the house.

The music room is right next door to Lilly's room and when I first brought her home I used to spend a lot of time in here playing, I used to prop the door open hoping that she might hear the music, something else that might help to wake her up.  but I've long since lost all hope that anything is going to help to bring her back.   If Tapestry's screaming fits over the past few years haven't woken Lilly up I don't think anything will!!


We have just finished Lilly's daily physio session and Ocean has just left for the rest of the day, it's my turn to do the night shift with Lilly tonight, Mulberry and Ice are taking care of the triplets so I don't have to worry about them until the morning, as long as Tapestry goes to sleep without playing up for me like he does most of the time.

As I'm washing my hands I am listening to the monitor and notice a change in the sound.  The machines have beeped at a constant rate for years, and I've heard the sound so much that it's etched in my brain,  I can even hear it in my head even when I'm upstairs and away from this room, so accustomed to the pattern I can stand here knowing there is a change in the rhythm of the beeping.  Now I'm listening to the beeping which seemed to be a little quicker than normal.

Without even drying my hands I went over to check the monitors.  Her heart rate and BP have increased a little, I stood watching her for ages but there isn't even a twitch.  Something else that has always been a puzzle to me, most coma patients move around and thrash about involuntarily while they are away, in all the time Lilly has lay here I haven't seen so much as a twitch from her.

I checked her temperature worried that she might be getting sick, but it is normal, I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something has changed as I sat holding her wrist feeling her pulse racing away underneath my fingers without slowing down, my mind suddenly starts racing, but I can only think of the negative things, I didn't dare hope that this might be a good sign, I couldn't cope with the disappointment.

"Lilly can you hear me??  If you can try and squeeze my hand."  I say this too her all the time out of habit now hoping that one of these times I might get some sort of reaction or sign that she is in there and aware of us out here, but I never get one. 

I lay down on the edge of the bed, something I have only done once before in the last three years of her being home, even though I have wanted to lie here and hold her a million time I've always stopped myself.  I gently placed my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes as I lay there feeling her heart beating under my hand that's lay across her chest.

I felt quite warm and comfortable lying next to her and after a while I felt myself slowly starting to drift off to sleep but I didn't try to stop myself, quite happy to sleep here next to her, I think for my own sanity I needed to.  My hand that wasn't lay across her chest was holding her hand - I felt her fingers moving but at first it didn't register because I am on the verge of sleep.  Then I suddenly snapped back to reality because I thought I felt her fingers moving again, but I couldn't be sure if I'd imagined it or not.   "Lilly can you squeeze my hand"  I carried on lying there with my eyes closed now concentrating on her hand, willing her fingers to move again.  "Please Lilly I need to know you are still in there!!"

A gurgled sound like a moan escaping her throat, this had me sat up quickly and looking at her face, the first thing I noticed her mouth has opened slightly.  I'd just heard Lilly make a noise now I know I hadn't imagine that!!

"Lilly can you hear me?"

I watched as her eyelids started flickering like she is trying to open them, they half opened then closed and became still again.  For the first time in years I'd seen movement in her face.

"Lilly, we need you to wake up, please can you try!!"  I sat watching her face for ages but it didn't move again.

I got up and took my flashlight out of my pocket to check her eyes, when I flashed the light into her right eye I expected there to be the normal no reaction.  Her eye did react slowly to the light, which startled me and I dropped the flash light in shock.  Fudge!!  I was right, something has changed, but the change is a good one.

Berry!!  It looks like she might be on her way back!!!


Song:  My Immortal ~ Evanescence